I think my low self-esteem and self-hatred comes from my childhood, because my parents fought all the time. My father physically abused us and yelled profanities when he came back home late after drinking or when he got extremely angry. I was always so afraid at night when he was coming home late, and we could never expect when he was going to piss off. Because of that, I developed bulimia and gained so much weight in high school. Highschool is when I moved to the US, and I was completely alone in the high school I went to. When I went to college I made a lot of friends and lost a lot of weight, but my body has all the stretch marks and I just feel like it’s not loveable.

I always threw up before I met my current gf, and having food at home was a scary thing for me. I didn’t know how to take care of myself, but now I learned from her to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. I could never fully open up to anyone, but she loved me always, and I became a much brighter person. In fact, I said love-bombing because I thought she was nice to me to hide the two month lie and pull away from the relationship out of nowhere, but I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year.

I didn’t think that once it became a long-distance, it’s over for her. I think she definitely feels guilty about her ex and me, and she wants to end the discomfort the relationship is causing her.

I am so scared. I came to her place today. She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice, but everything is not like before. She seems a bit uneasy to hug or touch me, and she doesn’t hold hands anymore. She won’t kiss me at all if I don’t ask her. I know this is very normal for couples trying to break up, but it breaks me so much, because a month ago it wasn’t like this. I just wish I never listened to her asking for time off, or that I just had some more support group to endure this no contact period, so she can have her time fully.

She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like “If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.” She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up, and she didn’t want to feel like the love was conditional, depending on whether the actions that I/her parents want her to do was completed or not.

Nothing would’ve changed this, I know, but I am getting more and more scared whenever she treats me so nicely. I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared. She feels pressured to go hang out with her friends when I am at home waiting, and I don’t want to be a burden. Because of the ticket price, I would need to wait until next Wednesday to go back. All the good things we will do together until then, scares me already.

I don’t want to be alone…  I don’t want to lose her… I am still so scared… Please help…