Thinking about it, I wanted to hurt her emotionally. Every time she lied to me, I felt like my heart was ripped apart. Every time I expressed that I was hurt to her, she didn’t reply and she would shut down. I asked her why did some things happen or what was she thinking, and she would only say sorry and never talk or explain to me. So yes, I wanted to hurt her emotions too. I regret that was not the way I should’ve handled it, but that was my intention.

I can promise myself that I will never react this way, because that was the night I first did anything physical, and I don’t want to be that kind of person who hurts their loved ones. I need to be responsible for my actions, but I don’t think this is a mere redirection of anger that stemmed from my childhood. I felt especially more hurt because I was triggered by my childhood trauma, but that doesn’t mean I distorted the reality and took her the wrong way all the time.

I didn’t scare her in the beginning for her to lie to me for two months. I simply said that she lied about it, but even after I asked her to clear up the relationship, she lied to me several times more until that relationship ended completely.

I didn’t create any problem yesterday. I worked late at the company to distract myself, and got on the bus to go back home. It was long and scary rides, as I’ve never been on a bus in this city or at this time. After I got off the bus, I ran between cars and bushes to walk back home. I was scared, and I was sad.

She said she would be back home by 8:30PM, but she didn’t. I came back home at 9:30PM and asked here where she was, and she didn’t answer me. I waited outside the apartment for 30 minutes, because I didn’t have a key. After she went to play pickleball, she went to eat ice cream with them. We had a promise to eat dinner together. She just simply ignored me because it didn’t matter, or maybe she wants to escape the situation again.

After she came back, I cried quietly for 5 minutes. I told her “I’m someone’s daughter too. Just like you are your parent’s precious daughter, I am my mom’s and my dad’s daughter.” I didn’t want to feel anymore emotion and once again she didn’t talk, so we ordered a pizza and ate together. I did my best to not cause a scene anymore.

My fault here is staying in the relationship even though I was lied to several times and felt extremely hurt. Instead of leaving when I needed to, I latched on to it and tried to control the situation in a violent way.

Thank you for all the comments, I appreciate that this is a space that I can talk about my feelings honestly.

Hi everyone, I wanted to give a quick update to what’s been going on, as I greatly appreciated your time and care to help me navigate through this breakup.

On the third day I arrived to her city, we had the biggest fight. It was her company field day, and with her team dinner and everything she said that she was going to be late. I already knew about that before, so I went to work (I can work in any location if there’s an office), enjoyed the day exploring the city, got a bus to go back and got off at some stores, and went back home late. I had a really fun conversation with my Uber driver, and came home a bit past 8PM.

She said that the event was over at 4:30 and went to the restaurant at 5PM, so I asked her if she was still there. She didn’t reply and like 30 minutes later, I called her and she didn’t pick up. I knew something was going on, because when she is lying she will not pick up her phone and not check the message. About another 30 minutes later, she said that she was still at a restaurant and she will be back at maybe 9:30PM. I turned on her iPad and checked where she was, and she was at someone’s apartment.

At that moment, I think the main emotion I felt wasn’t even sadness. I was, extremely exhausted. Yes, I did feel a bit lonely and anxious throughout the day, but I was taking care of my emotions well, and at the end of the day, I was feeling happy and energetic. Then, she goes and completely ruins my mood – it still felt bad to feel betrayed, even though I was here to “discuss breakup”. When she came back, we didn’t discuss, and before going to sleep, she suddenly said that she lied.

She said the company event was over at 2PM, but she went to colleague A’s house with colleague B, stayed there until they went to dinner (it wasn’t even a team dinner), and went back and stayed there longer. She always hangs out with colleague A and B (when I wasn’t here, she played tennis and went to have dinner several times with them), and they were even in the same team in the event. She made up the whole timeline, just because she knew that I wouldn’t like it.

No wonder I don’t like it, not only she never introduced me to them, but she didn’t tell them that she was in a relationship, and she didn’t tell them that I was in town, staying at her place. I was a complete no one to them (or her, honestly).

I told her some nasty things. I told her that I already knew, and I didn’t confront her because it’s a waste of time. I don’t want to care, because you are not my problem anymore. Do whatever you want, hope you can take a breath, and I don’t feel sad that you did this to me, but I feel sad that I let someone like you to come into my life. Friend or not, I don’t care, go sleep with one or the other, you just carry on your pathetic life.

She said sorry, but I was so angry and I went outside. After I came back, I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame (it was styrofoam) in front of her. She suddenly became angry too, and she started picking things up and putting them in the plastic bag to throw away. I stopped her, and she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV. I tried to make her say anything, but she looked away to not make any eye contact and froze and shut down. I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself, and told me, “Lying to your partner, is not love. Throwing things at your partner, is not love.” (I want to make clear that nothing I/her did damaged anything or person. I am not minimizing my wrongdoings, but we have similar strengths and I didn’t create a situation where there’s an absolute power difference. I admit that I created a fearful situation, and I regret it so much.)

I don’t know how things got settled down, but eventually we broke off, and the night passed. After this, we just had a good time. We went to eat, went to arcade that we used to go a lot, laughed a lot. I didn’t ask anything further, and she didn’t say anything further. I did once ask her if she didn’t tell them was because we are going to break up, and she said yes.

Yesterday, when we were taking a shower together, she asked me if she can go play tennis with her colleagues on Thursday night. I leave on Friday. I don’t know. I said she can. But now, I just don’t know.

Today when I was working, I thought about all the things that happened. She tried, I tried, she loved me, and I loved her. But she just couldn’t care if I was hurt or not, when it comes to the time that she wanted to do something. I wasn’t someone who crazily stalked on my partner, that’s how I was so oblivious about the ex situation for two months, because I didn’t even bother to look at her phone once. I just thought, whether I want it or not, this habit of doubting my partner will be with me forever to some extent, because she was someone I thought I could trust the most, and that trust was broken, so many times.

Every time she broke my trust, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. No reason to live. I felt worthless, and that no one cared about me. That’s why I told her that all the time. Because I felt like she didn’t care about me at all. Maybe someone who hurt and broke me was my dad and my mom, the world, but she also broke me into pieces. She wanted some time off because she needed to breathe, but during this whole relationship, I was collecting the broken pieces of mine, by myself, to hold on to this, and fix us. But she just wants to give up and move on, when it’s not her way.

She gave me the world. But to receive that world, I needed to give up on myself. I had to be ok being lied to, I had to ignore her ex’s pain, I had to be okay with my ex not even trying to go to one therapy, I had to be okay with her not posting me on her social media when her Instagram had a lot of pictures of her ex, and I had to be okay with never getting answers or conversations.

But I was never ok. As much as I am terrified to break up, I want to be ok now.

The time is coming. Maybe I still want it to come a bit late. Just until we try one more restaurant, we have one more laugh, we do one more stupid thing together.

I am accepting the fact. She will still pick me up today after work, eat with me, and go to sleep together. But I know she would rather spend this time with other people, and she is waiting for me to leave and be gone. That’s okay.