Thanks Anita,

I’m not going to pretend either. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do as I haven’t officially been made aware of it by her, so I guess I’ll cross that bridge as it arises. I think the most likely thing is that next time I’m speaking with my son, he’ll tell me he’s going to be a big brother (this is what I’d prefer to happen, because then I can respond to him and not to her or her fella).

My son doesn’t know about how I feel and wont know either. You’re right about her already knowing my true feelings about her, and thus, there is no need to bring that stuff to the surface.

I don’t actually have any legal rights as I’m not named on my child’s birth certificate nor do I have parental responsibility. These are just a couple of the injustices I’ve been dealt at her hands, which in turn are contributory to why I hate her. There was a time when I was going to take it to court to have these legal rights but I decided against it after the first hearing as it helped nobody. I’m not willing to drag me and my sons name through court for anything. She hasn’t stopped me seeing him so I’m satisfied with that.

Even if she offered me my legal rights now I’d tell her to stick them, she’s too late. In light of her being pregnant again, if she gets married or whatever, I know she won’t change my sons surname (she told me this before) and it would cause a serious fallout if she did. I hate the idea of my son having and answering to a step-dad, in or outside marriage, so again I’m indifferent about that thought. As long as my son never tells me anything is wrong there will be no problems from me.

Like I said before I’m pretty much detached from everything to do with her and her life. This is how I like to deal with her after what she did to me – with minimal and completely emotionless contact.

Hi Anita,

You’re always here, on hand to bless people with your wisdom 🙂

I’ll actually talk to my son first as I’d rather hear anything from him because obviously I’ll trust absolutely anything he tells me. She’s a good mother and I know my boy is safe – I’ve never ever lost a nights sleep worrying about him.

Today she changed her Whatsapp picture to one of her, my son, and the guy, all smiling happy families and stuff. The thing is, this would have killed me a few years ago and I would have flew off the handle about it. Now it just sort of mildly disappoints me. She knows it’s not something I like because I have said it to her before about me not liking these type of pictures, and I know that they would be on her social media (not that I see, I’m blocked, and I don’t use Facebook anyway) and I can just imagine people commenting how nice of a family they look etc.

I can’t control it, so what I do is just completely detach myself from anything to do with her. I will only ever be doing the absolute bare minimum required to communicate about my boy and no more. I think that, as much as she’d probably like it if I was to be more friendly, open and accepting of her and her live-in partner, i’m not going to give her that for one main reason..

For a very long time she excluded me from being present in my child’s early life, including all the terrible things she done whilst pregnant etc. So, despite things having changed a lot over the years for the better, I’m going to remain as non-existent in her life as possible. You excluded me? Ok, I’ll stay that way, and I’ll be as cold and distant to you as you were to me.

I’m so detached and busy living my life at this point that even if she was to come to me now and tell me I could have parental responsibility and my name on the birth certificate – things I tried hard to get for a long time – I would tell her she can stick them up her a**.

Dan

I’ve often tried to utilise the fact that my ex is such a great mother in an attempt to overwrite the wrongs of the past, but the pain from her past actions was too strong and outweighed her being a great mum and therefore keeping the flames alive.

I DO feel about 80% less anger than I used to a few years ago. This is a very positive thing because the pain I used to feel as a result of all the burning rage was literally cremating my soul.

I am unsure if I’ve completely forgiven her, but I am not as painfully angry as I was say, 3 years ago where it burned constantly and I seethed from morning to night. I know that the process of time, and also the fact that I made my life better as a result of all this, have contributed to me not being so livid anymore.

I am most certainly at the “I will not forget it” stage, I always will be. Because there is no possibility to wipe the memories away.

That is possibly what this is now about – I will not forget it… So I don’t want her to either.

Hi there,

I just wanted to say how things are now.

Since back then things are much better (in regards to my mindset). Myself and my boy have a good relationship and see each other at least every 2 weeks.

But some things still get to me. Obviously deep down I’ll never forget what she did when she was pregnant etc, but the other day I asked her agin to put my name on my child’s birth certificate. The answer was the same as it’s always been “NO, I have full say over him until he’s 16 and your name will not be going on the birth certificate”

This of course, is not something that makes me happy. And only serves to remind me of the awful things she did.

On top of this she has introduced my son to her new boyfriend (apparently the first boyfriend she’s introduced to him but this is not true as she had a man sleeping in the same bed a with her and my son when he was a baby, which was/is one of the things that enraged me). She said she would not have introduced him unless he was a decent guy and it was serious.

Of course, who she sees is none of my business, but who’s in my boy’s life, is.

The thing is I’m feeling a little uncooperative or something – as I’ve said in previous posts on this thread things like “I would not want to be friends or civil to a step dad in my child’s life playing daddy”

Well that time has come apparently. What it is is this – because of what she did to me, covered in the original post on this thread, I don’t feel like I will be truly cooperative or embracing of a step-dad, if ever, in response to what she did. I feel like I want to punish her by not letting her forget it, and not being accepting of her boyfriend.

Any opinions or suggestions or experiences are welcome.

Aside from that. Life is great and to be truly honest, all the amazing things I have in my life now in my career and more, are a direct result of what she did, because I utilised that pain and turned my life around. It’s bittersweet because it came from such hurt, but here I am.

My kids mum rejected me & now i’m all pissed off & stuff.

She looked incredible last night in her whatsapp picture & i told her so. Then i mentioned again about getting back together. Lately she had been sending me lots of little cosy photos of her & my boy, planting a seed i believe, & then at the end she just tells me its never gunna happen, that she is moving on & gunna start dating again now that our son is that bit older.

Im not totally pissed about the rejection itself so much, because deep down i still truly hate her guts. What annoys me is the idea of another man playing daddy to my son.

Shes told me before that she would never change his surname, nor would he ever call anyone else daddy, so at least i don’t have to worry about that. However it does piss me right off the possibility of some other man building a bond with MY boy since they will no doubt spend more time in his company.

I just hate it all. I don’t want to be friends with my ex & some other man, & i cant see a scenario where we are all friendly – yes most likely due my stubbornness, & deep hurt from the shit she did, but thats the way it is.

I am so with you on that one Anita! That we should not feel forced into forgiveness. There has to be a flipside too where if you don’t feel they deserve it then you don’t give it. However I do understand the reasons why forgiveness is good for us too. It’s just that if you aren’t feeling it then it should be allowed or even encouraged that you simply feel the anger instead, forgiveness surely isn’t the only way. I believe you can simply move on without the need or the requirement that you forgive the perpretrators.

I understand the possibility that the abandonment by my mother has helped to increase the intensity of my anger at my ex. I completely get that, & I am aware that many people who have been wronged were able to relate their hurt to a traumatic event in their past. However, it is not my mums fault that my ex did what she did.

I really appreciate your understanding of my pain Anita. Many have said to me that it was none of my business as she was single to do as she pleases, but you understand that that doesn’t do anything to alleviate my pain in any way. It could even have been worse since I was so powerless to stop her.

I do not hold anything against mum I never have & I do not wish to, but this has certainly given me something to think about. It will take a while for me to get my head around this…….. As for the single most painful part, my ex having sex pregnant, that was something I had a personal belief about that if & when I ever had childen that the mother would not be having sex with anyone else whilst pregnant. I never got that, i lost that after year & years of holding this wish close to my heart. That, i think, was intense enough for a lot of the anger i felt, alongside the monumantal rejection by my ex of me & the exclusion from absolutely everything to do with my sons initiation into the world & the first couple of years after. I did move away 9 months after he was born but that was because even though i only lived a few miles away i was not allowed to see him, & in those 9 months i think i had met him about 5 brief times… Writing about this is bringing it all back & i can feel the shadows rising & the rage beginning to boil.

Most of what you are saying is making sense, although it has taken a few reads over & it may take afew more to fully grasp everything you mean through you analogies etc.

I am not sure if Matt is still here but he helped me on my initial thread from February or March 2014 titled “struggling to forgive my childs mother” (did you read it too?) … In defence of forgiveness Matt really gave me some deep and meaningful analogies and advice, which i often came back to when i needed some help, just to read, and remember how well i was doing.

I know i did the right thing by moving away. My future brother in law told me 7 months ago that he thought it was a bit of a cop out, not in a bad way but that i should have “stayed and fought” however i reminded him in no uncertain terms how far i was being pushed into commiting violent acts if i hadnt gone… I am not finished 🙁 deep down i still crave those guys to suffer & even on rare occasions when i do think about them, that “some day” i will get them back.

Since you have given me a whole new view on this Anita, do you happen to also have any new ways to deal with the urge i occasionally get to hurt or wish to see hurt on them?

In light of this new perspective i may get some more counselling to see what might happen when i discuss it with a professional, considering this new perspective.