Hi Sheryl, I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s a difficult situation no doubt.

I’ve experienced in-law problems myself, so know first hand how hard it can be to resolve them.  Here are my thoughts on your situation based on what you have said:

Your SIL is probably feeling anxious, jealous, and possibly resentful.  It’s difficult to tell from your post, but it sounds as if she has very firm conservative beliefs, and the fact that you and your boyfriend travel together unmarried upsets her, as well as the fact that you are not Catholic.  You don’t say how old she is so it’s difficult for me to determine if age is a consideration in her behavior.  Does she simply lack the maturity to handle her emotions better?  If she’s young (teens or younger) then there is hope that she will ‘grow up’ over time.  If she is older then I think you may have a much bigger problem.

Your MIL and FIL are allowing the behavior to continue, which makes me wonder if they kind of agree with her but don’t want to be the bad guys to their son…or maybe they just don’t see how destructive her behavior really is.  It sounds like she rules the roost a little. Either way, you are not likely to get much (if any) support from them.  So that leaves your boyfriend.  Have you had a truly honest conversation with him about how his sister’s behavior is making you feel? If not, then that’s where you have to start, because, to be totally honest with you, if he’s not on board and on your side and willing to step in and deal with his family, your marriage will suffer.  Maybe not right away, but over time it will cause resentment, anger, and hurt that can’t be easily forgotten (I say this from my own experience).

If he’s not willing to talk to his sister then I think you need to seriously consider whether you want to marry into that family.  Please understand this, because I wish I had known this before I got married – you are not just marrying the man, you are marrying into the whole family.  It’s a truly sobering thought.  Some people make it work by moving as far away from the troublesome family members as they can, but that’s obviously not an option for everyone.

If you do decide to go ahead with the marriage, my advice to you would be to stand your ground and don’t let your SIL or her parents dictate your behavior.  Make choices that are right for you, that way you are not going to feel as hurt in the future because you made sacrifices which amounted to nothing.  And if your boyfriend is mature enough, and truly loves you, he will understand your choices, even though it complicates things with his family.  Hopefully he can see (and acknowledges to you) how badly his sister is behaving. He may not have the courage to stand up to her if he’s been raised a certain way, but he should not expect you to allow yourself to be treated as a door mat.

I wish you well, and hope things resolve so that you can have a beautiful wedding and marriage!

Sylvia, it can’t have been easy walking away from a 21 year marriage…you have more strength than you know. Keep working through things as best you can, at the end of the day that is all any of us can do. I hope you find some peace and happiness.

Nina

You seem like a really nice person, and you seem to have a lot of insight about yourself. It sounds to me like your parents are basically good people, and maybe they have made some mistakes along the way (who hasn’t). I’m in my forties and I remember being twenty-something and having self doubt and questioning the way my parents brought me up. It’s ok to do a little of that, but be very careful not to let it become a cloud over your head, or an obsession. Try and find ways to work on improving your self confidence without over over analyzing the reasons behind it.

I hope that doesn’t come off as insensitive, as that is not my intention. I’m not trying to minimize your feelings in any way. I truly hope you find peace and self acceptance.

Hi there. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your MIL sounds exactly like mine, so I understand exactly how you are feeling. Wish I could tell you things will get better, but it is very unlikely. This woman is abusing you on purpose. She knows exactly what she is doing. Most likely it comes from deep rooted insecurity and a narcissistic personality.

I’ve been through 8 years of this myself. I knew that my MIL was trying to hurt me on purpose and she succeeded on many occasions. I didn’t want to say anything because because I didn’t want to rock the boat and cause trouble. On the odd occasion that I did say something She would just use it to play the victim. I realize that there was no conversation or understanding that could be reached with her because she didn’t want to have a relationship with me. Everything I tried to do was in vain. I’m constantly amazed at just how horrible she could be.

My husband didn’t want to deal with the situation for a long time…he just made excuses for her behavior, until one day her behavior was so bad even he couldn’t ignore it. I refused to see her for a long time, and my husband severely reduced his contact with her too. I allowed him to take our son to visit with her, but I only did this grudgingly. I do see her again now and then, but the dynamic has changed and she knows that she no longer has the power over me that she used to. A big reason for this is that my husband really stepped up and made it clear that me and our child are his priority. This has been a very difficult process for him as she really puts him through the grinder if he tries to stand up for himself. i don’t think I could have stayed in the marriage if he had not done this.

Is there any chance your boyfriend will do the same for you? It is the only scenario in which you may be able to maintain a basic acquaintance with her. Understand this, she will never change. Even if she starts to be nice, don’t buy into it. People like this are truly toxic and only waiting to lull you into a false sense of security before going for the jugular again. You have to find a way to protect yourself from her. Start by seeing her for what she truly is, and giving yourself permission to protect yourself from her.

You say that you don’t want to say anything to your boyfriend, but maybe it’s time to sit him down and explain how devastating his mother’s behavior is to you, and how much it is impacting you. Don’t be accusatory, stay calm and approach him in a living manner. If you feel the need to cry when talking to him, let the tears come, let him see how hurt you really are. Tell him that you love him and have tried for a long time to protect him but now you need his help. You might be surprised by the reaction you get. He might know deep inside what us happening isn’t right, but just doesn’t want to deal with it. On the other hand, he might just shut down and refuse to understand. Be prepared for this if you do choose to talk to him. If that happens, there is not much you can do. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Your priority has to be to protect yourself.

I truly hope that things improve for you. You sound like such a sweet person. I’m sorry that you don’t have your own mom’s support, but know that there are women everywhere who understand and are rooting for you.