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Fear of losing loved ones.

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  • #122140
    A. Prashanth
    Participant

    Hi all,
    I’m an emotionally weak person. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I constantly fear about losing my loved ones. I hate arguments and fights and I’m too sensitive to people’s words and feelings. In recent times I worry too much about losing my loved ones, especially my grandma who is 87. She has been the one who has raised me since my childhood (as my mother had to work) and has been there for me during all my problems, even now stays up late to cook for me if I return home late from work, still is the first to care and pray if I fall sick and still gives much of her pension money for me to get something for myself. She as expected is getting weaker and forgetful each day. It makes me so anxious that she might not be with me for long. And whatever good she does for me, it only hurts me more and makes me anxious as to how long will I have her? I don’t know how to cope with this and I’m struggling to get negative thoughts and visuals of her death off my head. She has been my entire world and my pillar of support. I’m afraid of the day she will pass and my life thereafter. I feel completely lost even on days she goes to visit her other grandchildren and great grand child. I’m 27 years old and I should be enjoying life, but I’m not. I’m constantly worried about my grandma. My parents are nearing their late 50s as well and now I’m worried for them as well. I’m afraid of getting into relationships as I worry I will have just one more person (a gf or wife) and through her more people (kids) to be worried about. I don’t know how to deal with this. Please help…I’m done crying, feeling heavy and listening to people tell me to accept that death is a part of life. Every time I see some news of death, I right away visualize my loved ones being in that position in an ice-box, breathless. Whenever they report of back pain or cough a little, it pains me immensely. My mom is a cancer survivor and though I’ve always been anxious about everyone’s health, the initial few days of her diagnosis and the uncertainty of her condition (till the biopsy results came) has made me so much more weaker emotionally. I know I can satisfy myself by doing good things to them while I have them, but these negative thoughts about their health is tormenting me from living a peaceful life.

    #122153
    Peter
    Participant

    Worry can be addictive and though you might hate it your mind and body may have learned to crave it and craving it create it.
    Worry can be the fear of not having control where we never have control. Life lives off life, birth and death are a part of life. To fear death, to fear this cycle, is to fear life and so to many people stop living.

    Never lose the opportunity to worry about something now about what might happen in the future… If it never happens well at least we didn’t waist the opportunity to worry about…

    Sounds silly right but that is what most of us do. We imaging a future of fear and loss and worry about it today.

    The wisdom traditions tell us that the solution is to learn to live in the present. To appreciate the time you have with a loved one in the moment and avoid muddying the moment with fear of the future. This is easier said than done as by now you may have created a dependency on worry.

    I think the first step is to acknowledge the addiction to worry and that the worry stories you tell yourself are ones that you wrote. Avoid making judgments of good or bad, right or wrong on that acknowledgment as that just feeds the worry. It just is. You worry about things that have not happened.

    Worry and fear serve a purpose. These emotions are intended to get our attention. However once the issue at hand has your attention fear and worry are no longer helpful. Instead say thank you to fear and worry for pointing out the concern, you see the problem, and are doing x, y and z to address it… and in those situations where you have no influence over the concern work on acceptance.

    Instead of remaining fixated on the fear of losing my grandmother I’m going to appreciate the preset movement that I have with my grandmother. I am only emotionally week because I tell myself I am emotionally week, I om working on telling myself a better story.

    .
    Give me grace to accept with serenity
    the things that cannot be changed,
    Courage to change the things
    which should be changed,
    and the Wisdom to distinguish
    the one from the other.
    Living one day at a time,
    Enjoying one moment at a time,
    Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
    Taking, as the wisdom traditions suggest,
    This world as it is,
    Not as I would have it,
    So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
    Amen.

    #122159
    anita
    Participant

    Dear presynaras:

    It may help you (it has helped me): whenever you think and imagine a loved one being dead, think and imagine yourself being dead. This may give you the following perspective: death is coming to ALL of us, every single person on the face of this earth. And because it will happen to you too, it is wise to make your life less painful. We only have this time and then it will be over. Don’t suffer unnecessarily.

    anita

    #122231
    Decima
    Participant

    It is estimated that between 5% to 15% of the population are “highly sensitive people” (HSP). It is very likely that you are in that group. HSP struggle with a depth of feeling that most people can not understand. Your intense fear of losing loved ones is not unusual in this group as attachments are on a whole different level. The best advice I can give you is to accept the fear and let it be there instead of fighting and trying to overcome it (which will likely be futile and leave you feeling even more helpless). Accept that you are afraid and allow yourself to think about the fact that one day the people you love will die, and what this means for you.

    Then find things you can do for your loved ones…maybe cook your grandma’s favorite meal for her once a week, or take your parents out to dinner and a movie, it doesn’t really matter what it is as long as it’s something different than what you normally do for them. If you share a religion or belief in spirituality with your loved ones then use that to connect on a deeper level with them. Perhaps you believe that you will all be together in the afterlife, or that we are all connected to the same consciousness and so cannot truly die, only the physical form. Pray for your loved ones every day…this simple ritual can bring a lot of peace.

    Then try to find something for yourself…a hobby that can occupy some of your time and thoughts and maybe bring you into contact with people who have similar interests.

    Lastly, do something on a regular basis that requires physical exertion (hiking, or swimming can be amazing at letting you forget your worries, even if just for a while).

    I don’t know if any of this will help, but I do know that you are stronger than you know. Please post again and let us know how you are getting on.

    #122233
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear presynaras,

    Yes it is understandable if it is a concern for a loved one. But if the concern turns out into a worry then that is bothersome and which is why these troubling feelings are bothering you and you have come down to post here. You did the right thing.
    At first when reading your post I thought the fear of losing the loved one was only for your grandma who is 87, but then it is also extended towards people who are yet to come in your life – gf/spouse, in-laws, kids or who knows may be an upcoming neighbor who is very caring and loving towards you.

    But do not worry. The Divine has given a solution for every single problem, and for an emotional one in this case, from his own garden in the form of flowers.
    There is a Bach Flower Remedy exactly for your state of mind. At first do a web search on what they are and if they intrigue you then follow below.

    Among the many Bach Flower Remedies, ‘Red Chestnut’ is the most suitable to you.
    The below link has the overall list of remedies. You may or may not go through the below link…
    (http://www.bachflower.com/bach-flower-remedy-questionnaire/)
    ….but definitely go through the below links marked in sequence.

    1. (http://mudraguide.com/bach-flower-remedies-red-chestnut-and-letting-go.html)
    2. (http://www.bachflower.org/red_chestnut.htm)
    3. http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/38/redchest.htm

    After going through the links if any of them ring a bell to you then you may go ahead with the Red Chestnut Bach flower remedy.
    Of course not every single statement written in the above 3 links are going to be applicable to your state of mind, because they are for a generalized amount of population as we have different people with different mindsets.

    Below are some links where they are available.
    Make sure you select your country on applicable websites and also check their shipping policies. Alternatively you can check at your local pharmacy stores too.

    – (https://www.amazon.com/Bach-Original-Remedies-Supplement-Chestnut/dp/B000A7I8V6/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1481187916&sr=8-1&keywords=red%2Bchestnut&th=1)
    Zoom in on the image of the bottle and you will find allows you to love without anxiety or fear for the well-being of your loved ones

    – (https://www.luckyvitamin.com/m-309-bach-original-flower-remedies)
    – (http://www.vitacost.com/bach-flower-remedies-1)
    – (http://www.vitacost.com/bach-flower-remedies-essence-oak)
    – (http://www.vitacost.com/bach-flower-remedies-essence-olive)
    – (https://www.evitamins.com/bach-flower-remedies)
    – (http://www.directlyfromnature.com/The_Original_Bach_Flower_Remedies_Information_and_Sale_s/1818.htm)

    Flower Remedies are usually taken by putting 4 drops in a glass of water and sipping them at regular intervals. If you feel you have reached the extreme situation of your fear then you can also take 2-4 drops of the remedy directly on the tongue. This way causes the bottle to get over soon. So if frequently buying the remedies are a problem to you then go with the ‘glass of water’ method.

    ——-Below portion is optional for you——–
    “I hate arguments and fights and I’m too sensitive to people’s words and feelings”
    I first suggest you to heal your fear of losing a loved one.
    Later on when you feel better and in control of your strongest fear, then for a highly sensitive nature you can take the remedies after going through the below link.

    (https://www.flowerspirit.co.uk/3-bach-flower-remedies-for-hsps)

    ————————————————-

    Heal yourself and you will show a positive sense of compassion, love and care instead of worrying about them.

    My best wishes for you to get married, raise kids as love is waiting to be shared to several people in and around you, from you and as you.

    Take care,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by VJ.
    #122235
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi presynaras,

    Please ignore the below two links that I pasted by mistake in your reply. They are ‘Oak’ and ‘Olive’ remedies.. The remedy for you is ‘Red Chestnut’

    Links to ignore.
    – (http://www.vitacost.com/bach-flower-remedies-essence-oak)
    – (http://www.vitacost.com/bach-flower-remedies-essence-olive)

    ~VJ

    #122254
    A. Prashanth
    Participant

    Peter, Anita, Decima and VJ, thank you so much for your responses. It feels so good to see people understand and respond without criticism or mockery. This is something I couldn’t share with many people in real life for I fear they will see me weak (which in an emotional sense is true). All your words have really been comforting and encouraging. Wish I had people like you when those actual days come. Thanks. Will do what I could to tackle this.

    #122261
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, presynaras. Post anytime.
    anita

    #122353
    Tripti
    Participant

    Dear Presynaras,

    I lost my grandparents in quick succession of 2 years and the demise of my grandfather was very sudden. I have always been more attached to them than my parents. After their death, I started seeing my parents as fragile and constantly felt anxious about losing them.

    I was put on homeopathy meds for one month (I trust them more than allopathy). The meds gave me a sense of control over my thoughts. For record, I have never had any meds for emotional distress except for that one month. See if you can find a practitioner who can help you. You might like to research on Homeopathy as a branch of medicine, please do that.

    I hope you get out of your anxieties very soon and instead of worrying about losing loved ones, cherish each loving moment with them 🙂

    Good Luck and God bless

    Tripti

    #127517
    A. Prashanth
    Participant

    Thanks a lot Tripti. I would do my best to think positively and cherish every moment I have with them. I will also try that homeopathy meds that you recommended. And I’m so sorry to hear about your grandparents. Don’t worry, God is with us and watching over us. All will be well. Nothing bad would happen to your parents. And I do believe that we will eventually meet our loved ones who we get temporarily separated from, once our own time comes (provided we don’t kill ourselves and wait for our life to properly and smoothly end on its own at the right time.) There are no “Good Byes” in life. Only “See you soon!” That’s what I’m trying to say to myself to comfort myself.

    #223197
    Fran
    Participant

    Seeing this an year later.

    Well I am now in that situation and from experience I know how much it would have sucked ?

    Hope you are doing well now !

    #325051
    Lostsoul36
    Participant

    Hi Prashanth. I hope your Grandma is still well. I just came across your post, as I too am currently going through a difficult time with my grandma. She has raised me, she is my whole world. She is at the end stages of her illness and the fear of losing her is causing me a great deal of pain. My life seems so meaningless and empty already…

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