Hi Anita,

Yes it’s been a while since i logged in. I have been traveling to various places all these days, thanks for checking.

Teak,

As a first step in accept i have drinking issue. When i start drinking i have no control, my friends have also told this.  But have not drink since last week though. Right now I am not tempted to go back to friends and drink. I will see how this goes. When i go to Bangalore i will try to diagnose and understand myself. I want to also do a clinical depression diagnosis.  My thoughts are so jumbled now as always, couldn’t articulate my mind clearly. But i realise i have some core issues that makes me heavy while in an emotional relationship, and Also the trouble with alcohol. Now i realise i want to heal myself from inside and want to be completely reborn. I want to go through the pain now because there is no option. Will post in few days.

Hi Teak, thanks for your time to reply for these.

I was devasted when she said she doesn’t want me. I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life. She knows that because i told her. I may have not written it down clearly. I have this obsessive overthinking like Anita had told. I am not able to write things or articulate my thoughts clearly. I accept i have drinking issues and it is not just the company. I will get myself diagnosed to understand how severe it is, if there is a test for it. Last week when i went to my friends, i surprisingly resisted and said I don’t want to drink, in the first party i didn’t drink while my friends had. In the second party i denied a lot that i don’t want to drink but when they insisted so much, i gave in and started drinking. But me saying no at first is an improvement in me i feel. I want to continue with that. I confronted my friends who forced me to drink that day and told them not to do it again. Also told them i am quitting. But i want to analyse myself further to understand how severe addition i have. I will check with some rehab centres Anita had suggested. I loved her a lot, but i was so obsessed with working out of country, body building and some career that i thought that is more important than love and marriage life. Now i realise what is important in life and what was important to me in my mind deep inside. Because these body body building or whatever doesn’t even make sense without her. I will work on the rehab thing.

Hi Teak,

Yes I agree I need to address the inner phychological issues of me. Thinking of being perfect all the time and getting confidence or a positive mindset only from it is also not feasible. I need to accept for what and how i am and start being happy about. Last year i didn’t even have the mental strength to continue the conversation here. I was feeling so depressed and lonely. I was running away from any complicated conversations. But since the starting of this year i stared feeling better. I made peace with my dream of going out for work, i started feeling normal and happy about being here, had plans for business of something. But by the time i slowly recovered, she was moving away. I was never able to forget her and look for other girls. It just that i did not express and kept this suppressed in my mind. But i realised I can’t be without her and she is the one. I need to work on my issues to be able to be in a relationship. I was already getting better. On this Jan 26th when i went to my friends place to attend a marriage i got stuck there and had to drink of peer pressure. But the thing is I already decided that was the last few of my drinking days, atleast regular drinking spree. I had already decided and made up my mind not to keep drinking like last year and this year i need to work on some potential side business and be productive. She messaged me that asking if i drank and i said yes, she asked me to stop how much ever i drank but i playfully said just two more. She got upset and said i had absolutely no hope, for which I sent a smiley. I was not like before with an intention to drink always and not to care about anything. I changed, i drank that day only because of a social gathering. It hurts me because i didn’t want to get stuck there at all that day. There was covid lockdown here and i couldn’t leave as i wouldn’t have been able to reach back home before lockdown at night. These things keep running in my mind now like i shouldn’t have and i should have done this done that replied this way, called her and made her understand.

But now she is gone. None of the dreams are making sense now. I couldn’t sleep even today. Getting panic attacks and waking up. It ended in a brutal way, teak. In a painful way. It hurts so much to hear those words from her. I ignored her pushed her away multiple times, i know, but i didn’t do it for another girl or some other happy reason. I did it with a heavy heart not being able to handle or process the emotional relationship. But that is also painful right ? I was in pain too last year. Different kind of pain than what it feels to get ignored. Now all together it is hurting my soul. Practically i know i need to go through this pain, and suffer. I don’t know how to treat my inner issues. I want to treat it now. But don’t know how. But again, nothing makes sense to me, i feel like what is the use of treating me now, she is gone. I feel like everything is gone. Right now I don’t even feel like having a life . 🙁

And yes, i can have a stable healthy lifestyle without drinking for months and years also . I am not addicted to alcohol, like i need alcohol into my blood. I craved for that happy gathering that we have while drinking. It hurts because she thought i am addicted and can never come out of it. But the point is I also replaced that pleasure from drinks with the habit of workouts. Working out and seeking results is itself a getting high feeling. I replace that with other productive things. But she thinks i am a drunkard. I am not a drunkard. And i missed my chance to prove it to her in last couple of weeks. That hurts a lot.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dandan.

Thank you Anita & Teak for your responses,

Long post warning.

It is true that we don’t value things when we have it and we feel bad after we lose it. I couldn’t understand in my case what it was. I wasn’t able to move on, till now. It felt bad to to look at other marriage profiles. Also to date someone. Her thoughts were constantly running in my. Always. I realised recently the reason for my depression. Atleast the major reason. It is because of the unhealthy life style i was living since my school. During my 7th grade I did my first stage dance performance on my school. I did dance decently for a first time. People praised and I liked that. I used to dance in other completions within school and I got a bit famous of it. Not so big but a little bit. I liked that feeling. I wanted it more. But the people I liked being with were a year seniors, and not guys who study well and be polite. I liked roaming with seniors and guys who were last benchers. Though I was an introvert myself. They introduced me to porn at 7th grade. For 9th grade I moved to near by town to a different school. There was no option for dancing or any sports. Again, the kind of PPL was with all had bad habits, they thought me smoking, and eventually drinking from 11th grade. It was kind of cool. I used to study well though. Along with these habits from school. Slowly these habits became the main entertainment of my life, though internally i had this wish for dancing. But I didn’t do anything for that. I used to get crush easily back then. Because I was so weak. I was introduced to gym and workout by one of my friend. Also a senior. We among friends had this healthy and egoistic thing for body building. I had my best physique in 12 th grade. Just with home workouts.   I joined college, had first relationship. Drinking was on and off. But I was so obsessed with relationship and physical intimacy that i didn’t bother dancing or body building. 6 years went. I did nothing in college except getting placed. And in my first job, work was important. People noticed me dancing during a DJ and they appreciated. But again, the friends I joined at work, they induced smoking and drinking again. It was a new kind of fun drinking with new Ppl from different states of India. My drinking worsened since then. Every Friday we drank. All were crazy drinkers. I like drinking too but I remember I easily agreed to drink even when I did not feel like because of my friends. Also to the addiction to the party situation and not the alcohol. From then, for next 5-6 years, drinking was the only thing i had to do. I used to pay for gym every month but never hit the gym a single day. I was so bad at saying no. And also easily give in to the party addiction. But I worked hard. I learnt many technologies and switched companies cracking interviews with higher salaries. Though the truth is i could have landed in FAANG companies had i worked harder. Because partying was my priority. I have made bad decisions due to drinking. During 2018 i started realising i have wasted so many years and still didn’t do workout and get my dream physique. And learn dance professionally and express myself. That regret of unaccomplishment piled up in my brain. But still I continued drinking only, cuz drinking numbs the ambitions. I have never had a healthy lifestyle. I read somewhere that dopomine bubbles are created when we do productive activities like workout, running, books, work, etc and those bubbles are bursted when we do unproductive things like drinking binge watching etc. I have been bursting those dopomine bubbles all my life. And the fear that i am aging, and still havent accomplished those creates anxiety. But still I did not work on those and went back drinking. That is one of the main reason. I think a lot, so when I don’t have anything to do i have time and energy to think a lot of unnecessary stuffs. During the starting stage of this relationship i had some bad baggage of feelings because of the sister issues which I had told about earlier. But since lockdown I went into depression, sitting and working at home. Part of which is because i couldn’t go work outside India, didn’t get my dream physique, didn’t learn dancing or do anything in arts. I didn’t do anything at home during the lockdown and that increases my overthinking. Last year when I asked her to move on, i was carrying all these baggages, i wasn’t able to commmit myself. I saw her struggling so with a heavy heart i said it to her. That exact day I also had a meeting with my manager about onsite opportunities, working in different country for few months and he said no there is no option. That was also bugging me. My mom was sick that day and we were worried if it is covid. It later turned out it was covid.  But that day when she asked about my decision, i asked her move on. I continued typing something and she had blocked by the time. I didn’t want text her again because i did not have an answer with me so no point in contacting. I worked on my physique for 3 months. During which i was so hurt too and had created this post here. But again later kn September i went back to drink and lost all progress that i made till then. It was on and off. Kept trying till new year. But we started talking casually since September i guess. Initially it was all normal. Initially it was all normal. One day she sent long text emotionally asking was it so difficult eing with her, and ended with saying their family has zeroed in on a potential groom. Hearing this i got triggered. I couldn’t stand it. Messaged what i felt. And i started messaging in whatsapp well. Again it was on and off. I was still struggling with my workouts. Lost progress. I was so obsessed with six packs abs.  But kept drinking till the end. We have spoke about us getting back couple of times. And i was the same. Whenever she asked me if i was able to look at other girls for marriage my answer was no. I couldn’t look for other profiles and infact that used to give me anxiety. During this new year she asked something about this. She said she misses me, and that we both are anyway not able to move apart, and stuff like that. I was upset because i didn’t make abs till now. And have to start all over again. I couldn’t tell her anything. On Jan 14 she asked how much have i moved on, i did not answer at all cuz i know i was the same as before. She said she moved on 4.5 out of 5. And that everytime I go to my friends to drink her feelings decreases. I didn’t pay attention even still. Even in Feb starting. My parents got serious about marriage and i started realising i wont be able to look at other profiles and i had her deep in mind. Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily. The first day she asked me if i had met someone in the marriage i went and i said no. I was drinking then, she asked me to think about my belly and stop. I said 2 more. And she said i have absolutely no hope. I sent a laughing smiley cuz i was high. 5 days later, i got a message from her saying she agreed to her parents to look for profiles for her. I was so regretting going to friends that time. I was anyway not able to forget her. And as she told it i broke down, i asked aren’t we gonna try us again, she asked if the reasons i left her last year was overcome or not. And we spoke normaly till next day when she said she feels guilty talking to me when she agreed to her father to look for grooms. She got ao mad that day and said she doesn’t want this and i was so late etc. Hours and hours of conversation. But i broke down and started convincing her. She didn’t agree. Next day she said this wont workout at all. That day evening o started talking casually with her. She too replied. I understood it was a casual conversation with ex. We had casual chat for a week i guess. And again last Sunday i had to go to meet friends for another marriage. This time i resisted a lot for drinking. But finally they forced me and gave in. Drank. And that time she had sent me a video and asked translation for it on my language, i didn’t reply for long. She somehow found i was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call as i for paniked. Didn’t have any excuse to tell. She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life and she doesn’t care. The next day when i texted, she again said we shouldn’t text. She had explained everything already. It was a lengthy conversation. She said everything, asking me to leave her alone etc. And that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company. And also other reasons like she had already moved on when i left her last year. She says it is not a sudden decision the the process that haplened since last year. I understood that.

Now bodybuilding or dancing doesn’t even make sense. I don’t feel like doing it. It hurts a lot. I also realise what is important in life. Abs or dancing is not permanent. A girl who loved me unconditionally, whom i also loved, i wasn’t able to express my love, become a bit bold and handle the heaviness.  I regret i didn’t take a stand earlier. I keep thinking of each and every time she asked me even during recent days. I shouldn’t have gone for drinking, things could have been different. I should not have let her go last year. All these thoughts now. Now my mind is full of her thoughts. Imagining gifs of her laughs smiles, walk, dressing, hugging, intimacy, everything. I miss her. I was so stupid to let her go.

Sorry for the long lost. I couldn’t stop thinking about these so wrote.

Hi Samy,

Thanks for your response, yes once upon a time i wanted to go out and experience the life once. But now inam slowly settling down with where i work, trying to do different things like a new side business or something. Though right now I am going through a tough phase, i will get back on the career track hopefully soon. Once again thanks for your response.

Hi Anita,

My intention is really not to make her read this thread. Earlier my user name was kpd something i guess. My First post was in relationship category which I deleted cuz i didn’t want her to read it and created another one in purpose category. I don’t want her to read this by any chance. I can also change the username. Do you suggest I not post here anymore as she might read ?

Lot of things happened towards the end of last year. We were not in touch for about 5 months or so.  But we started being in touch since September or October. Things became more complicated. I wanted her to actually move on and be happy, coming out of this complicated thing. I didn’t go back to her for more than 5 months. She pinged me on insta asking how am I. (Though I was also tempted to send her a message but resisted myself, sent Hi couple of times but unsent it cuz i felt guilty to start that again) when she pinged me asking how i am, we spoke casually. In few days she says she is ok for casual conversation every now and then. I was struggling to move on even till then. I wasn’t able to look for other profiles for marriage. This conversations went next level when one day she sent an emotional message starting with something like, was it so difficult being with me, etc… Ending with some message about her marriage progress. This emotional message triggered back the feelings in my mind to front. I couldn’t resist. I was chating with her about this and told her the truth that i wasn’t able to move on and i am in the same mind set. It all started again. Now she is gone, moved on. She doesn’t want this. She told me all possible words that I can’t hear from her. I am still the same, in the same mindset, not being able to forget her. I was only running away from as it was heavy to handle, the emotion. I should have taken a stand at some time. I feel horrible. Couldn’t sleep at all last two days and been walking with anxiety for more than 20km a day. I am scared that i will go completely mad, or that my life is gone as i am not able to forget her still and couldn’t tolerate this pain.

She does not have a link to this topic, nor does she know the title so she can’t read this.