She is gone. I constantly kept ignoring her. Didn’t work on myself. I went out to drink to deal with my depression. Which didn’t help with my overthinking or depression. I ignored her love even till this new year and mid Jan. And then she moved on. Gone for good. But it is killing me now. I am a horrible horrible person.

Hi Teak,

Yes, staying at home now is increasing my insecurities. Staying at home for more than a year now and lack of much social contacts apart from my mom dad and sisters family is making my mind worse. Parents are more worried and are unsecured about my marriage as they think I am aging. I am 31.3 years now and according to the normal here ,people get married at the max at 28-29. I know 31-33 is also a normal age to get married but they are so insecured and so worried that I could see that in their eyes and that makes me insecured as well. There are some perks of being at home. I get to okay with my nephews and simply watching them play gives me some happiness. But towards the end of the day I feel low for no reason. One of my greatest fear is that times is moving so fast. I am 31 already and 3 months have gone since my bday. And I will be 32 soon, 35 and 40 soon and I will be leaving this world. This is so scary and depressing. It looks stupid, I know because time doesn’t stop for anyone. But these small things are looking big to me since last one year since I came home. Not just because I am with my parents but because of the lack of enough social network. When I meet people and go to places and office I was more confident or at least normal on these small aspects. Now the world has changed completely for everyone. Even if I go to a different city, I will stay alone in a new rented place. If I think about it sitting at my place now, that also looks scary and depressing. This is how I rejected the Germany job offer. But this time I need to get out and experience how it feels no matter what happens. I am supposed to have moved out this January itself but I stayed here because I wanted to participate in the body transformation challenge. If I am outside I will end up breaking my diet and drinking. Even if I control myself, when a friend asks to drink, I can’t deny. I get tempted and I drink and I leave behind all my life goals. And I realised this last one year that how many years I have wasted just by drinking and partying instead of working on myself, working on a side hustle or creating something new. At the beginning I was so interested in created an app or software or a game. But I always gave priority to partying because I felt I will be left out if I isolate myself and work on myself. I felt I will miss out on all the fun. But on the back of head, these unaccomplishments have been piling up and created a huge regret bad feeling about myself and depression. I always thought I have time to work on those. To get my best physique, to improve dancing and do some stage performance – just within the company I work and in cultural events, not on a bug stage. To start or atleast try out something new on the side like a business. I wanted to do these before I get married. I thought I will someone along this path which I would take and that would be the compatible. But I realise things don’t go as planned. For everyone. I thought meeting her was a mistake because of all the issues that happened and the baggage that I carried. I tend to think a lot about past whenever something doesn’t happen in a good way but I know there is no use of thinking that way. I can’t deny the fact that regardless of us getting together or not, what we had was unique and nice and something in doubt I will ever have someone else. I have had relationship before but this level of closeness is something rate. Be it just friendship, feelings, companion or anything, I love what we had between us, keeping aside my depressions and confusions from it. During my past relationship, I just finished college. We studied together, we were together. We had that attachment as we met everyday. And I wanted to marry. As years passed, marriage became a big decision in my life. We met, we had feelings but it all started with a lot of chaos along and after meeting for a short while we stayed in different cities. My roommates felt what I was doing is not appropriate they didn’t ask me or talk to me about it. But I knew. I knew the kind of ruckus her sister created at my place in front of my roommates. I had to not be at home when she comes. It was messy. And provided we didn’t get to meet each other as well. So slowly things started falling apart. Atleast in my mind. But if I still can’t get over her, and can’t be with her either, not able to think about marrying other girl either, am I doomed ? I am so scared. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable. If this is only because I am overthinking, I will realise it when I move outside and meet friends and get back to normal life. Sitting at home alone in a room and overthinking about everything makes everything look scary.

Hi Anita and Teak,

Thank you for your responses and my apologies for responding late. I have been trying my best to work hard in the body transformation challenge that i am doing and just another month left before which I am trying to see maximum results. I didn’t have patience to write back or process anything complicated in my mind. From the mental health stand point I am still feeling the same. I think about my life thru my own eyes and not let anything else hinder my thoughts. I have been that way most of the time. I have also started interviewing in few companies in Germany London Netherlands etc. But I am still double minded as to whether to stay here and continue working, start a side hustle and make it something, or to move to another country, gain the experience of work and life. I still fully confused. And being stuck at home for more than a year is making it even worse. I still can’t forget her. Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments , I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her, crazy things we could do, I do , the laughter etc. These images and scenes keeps flashing in my mind. I couldn’t forget her. I stalk her insta page , which was public but now she made it private. I know her parents are looking for a guy for her. I am scared of losing her. I am scared that if I don’t make a move now she will be gone and it will be too late.  I didn’t think I will complicate my life to this extent. My parents ask about my marriage and i tell them saying I want to go abroad and work and roam. I am not ready for marrying another girl. Or do i feel this because I have not met any other girl and spoke to her ? Will I change if I meet another girl ? I don’t know myself. As of now, I keep getting her thoughts, a lot.

I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place. A friend’s friend’s friend’s sister. Meeting her in an unplanned tour which I went because of a decision I made while I was high. Which I felt should never have happened. I wonder was it a mistake that I met her in the first place or that’s how people meet the liked ones in the world. Should I realise that it is normal to meet people in strange ways and strange place and cherish what I feel or should I think it as something that happened by mistake. I don’t know how to think about this. I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing. Even about job. I have an interview tomorrow at Bloomberg and I know even if I crack it, from that moment, I will feel negative about the offer and moving to different country. But now when I am here with a different company, I want to try for companies outside. My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process. I wasn’t this confused pre pandemic. I always had people, friends around and that gives me mental strength. Being at home for long time surely taking toll. Same issue with my ex. When I talk to her I don’t want her and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her I feel I want her and I miss her. But had we continued to stay in same city things would have been different. I have been processing this feeling staying away from each other. I have told her plenty of times I hate long chatting in WhatsApp and over phone talking about complicated relationship stuff without even being together, that sucks. Last year technically we weren’t together, as in like in a relationship. But why am I still not able to move on ? Because I haven’t had this closeness with anyone else. Will I get this closeness if I meet some other girl ? I don’t know. Or am I making this too complex? Should I simply accept and cherish the feelings we have and get together ? And try to be happy ? Cuz that’s how arranged marriage is going to be as well. Idk. Sorry i couldn’t reply to you both individually. I literally don’t have mental strength to process things too deep now. I just felt like writing again of my fear.

Thanks Teak and Anita for the response,

I will add some more points to what I had told earlier. I know for sure my mom loved all of us. She took great care of all of us in the childhood. She enjoyed being with us. She used to teach us lessons and help us do our home works. She used to walk for 1-2 kms to come to our school to give us lunch and in the evening she used to make healthy snacks and comes to school, feeds us those and took us back home. Back then, we only had a black and white old tv and with no channels subscription. There was only government shown channel, one or two which didn’t have much. So in the child hood there was no much option for tv. She likes me more than my siblings. She always takes extra care of me. Even now. Treats me special, prepares juice , extra snack food for me. If I am not normal , she will be disturbed too. When my sister started getting those issues late in my childhood, when she was kind of bullied in her school for her looks etc, when she started getting inferiority complex, my mom wasn’t able to address and help my sister. Because my mom is from a village. She doesn’t have much knowledge about these complexes and how it affects. She was worried about her and the whole situation but didn’t know what to do how to help. That’s when things went out of control, we moved to different town etc. My mom has social anxiety. She didn’t have a great relationship with the neighbours as well when we were kids. She always felt people judge her. She isn’t matured enough to support my sister’s issues back then. we bought cable connection/channels subscription in my late childhood only, when I was in 6-7th grade. She watches tv but it’s not like she keeps watching without caring about us. We all together used to watch what is played in the channels, like cartoon movies etc. After the sister issues, my mom became more weak. She has been having lot of insecurities, social anxiety , inferiority complex etc. We all have grown seeing her that way, feeling bad for her , and also went thru similar complexes as ourselves. She was dull if we were dull. She mirrors our feeling. Meaning, if I am dul or the whole family situation is dull, she get so dull room she doesn’t have the energy to turn things around, solve issues of sister or the family. She wasn’t capable of that. She has faced a lot of mental Trauma herself. So slowly being dull became her normal to get dull to happy she wants something to happen talk to us interesting topics, or tv , mvoies going out etc. She likes talking. She has complained a lot that dad doesn’t talk at all.she hasn’t had anyone to talk and share at all. But I have listened to her a lot. She feels like talking, having nice conversation, sensible and funny, and laugh out. She has always wanted that , without that, if the house is silent , she will be dull. Most of the movies here have love stories and I have seen these in my relatives’ , neighbours’ homes and everywhere. Not just my house. I would say that we three gre up so weak. We didn’t know how to face the bullying, the complex, the insecurities because my parents didn’t know themselves. And I liked liking girls for real or for name sake from school. I get attracted to cute girls. My parents don’t know most of these. They don’t know how mu school was, how I got attracted easily, etc. I didn’t share, neither did they find. Dad worked so hard to pay our tuiton fee. He got us admitted to a good English school rather than govt schools. For them, it was a great deal and they thought everything is sorted. But it wasn’t. They couldn’t understand these complexes, and things kids face in a bigger town and a bigger school. So that’s how it was. My mom still loves me a lot. My sister says that my mom is liked obsessed with me. My mom wants me to be happy every single second. But i don’t know I couldn’t handle too much love. Two days back, my mom was feeling low at my home. Mom dad currently stays with my sister’s family  and I stay with them too as cities are locked down and I am working from home. My mom and sister doesn’t get along great. They have their own issues between then. So they fight for various reasons,my sister fights, that’s a different story all together. Two days back when tehre was some fight, my mom was dull, she seeks me all the time. She wants me to be around her. She tells that my presence gives her some strength. So she had some leg pain, she usually applies pain ointment herself, but she bought it to me and asked me to apply. For her, it is something emotional when I apply and massage her legs when she is in pain. She was so fragile amd needy of that emotion I felt. I did apply and massage. I do that many times. But that day as she was needy of that emotion, I felt so heavy inside, it was too much to me. Felt like crying, I don’t know how to explain that. When someone shows too much of emotions , emotional need are is so fragile around me, it makes me very weak and I feel like crying.

Having said that, Yes I still sometimes believe I can turn things around in terms of accomplishments. Since last august, I joined an online community called fittr for body transformations amd workout routines. I had enrolled for a personal coach and had a decent transformation losing some weight. I participated in transformation challenge twice but not consistent. Didn’t achieve my dream body yet. Since January I have been partying so heavy compromising my goals and developing regret all along. That’s when I went to meet my ex in Pune. Came back, got mad,  all these things happened. The day I broke up with her in texts, my mom got ill, and slowly others too including myself. Turns out we all got covid. Past 3 weeks was so hard at home. After much hardship we just over came the illness. There is a transformation challenge again starting tomorrow and this time I am determined to give my hundred percent to get my desired body. That will give me some confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. Along with that , I am planning to join dance class, and/or guitar classes to keep me engaged in something I like. But I am scared if I am making a bad decision leaving my ex. I like her a lot. But too much emotions is something I am not able to handle. I am scared if will be able to be love someone else, I don’t know if I can forget her. Sometimes I think what I am doing is stupid. But there is this baggage of bad vibes and thoughts, regrets of unaccomplshments and a thought that I met my ex under bad circumstances which was not supposed to have happened at all. Sometimes I think I did meet her, it has all happened. Now she loves me a lot so why can’t I accept and reciprocate that happily. I am scared of losing her, scared of living life with her too, thinking what if the negative baggage will haunt me , and scared to marry someone else too thinking what if I wouldn’t be able to forget my ex when I am with someone. So everything is scary

Thanks Teak & Anita for the response,

To add to what I had shared earlier, my mom is not low and depressed all the time, but most of the time when she is inside the home. She loves going out, eating out in restaurants, going for long drives, tours, and specially going to movie theatres to watch movies. Once we plan to go out somewhere, she becomes more happy and enthusiastic. She needs something like this to be able to be normal and happy. With herself, at home, most of the time in my childhood, we used to watch tv a lot. She watches tv programs a lot. She needs some entertainment this way to be normal. Else she is low. She used to tell that it’s so boring and low. My dad doesn’t talk much. He used to work and come back. During my childhood, My dad had a lots of debts. We went through very bad situations in terms of money and debts. And my mom, my sisters and me had inferiority complex. My sister faced a lot of issues in her school due to her inferiority complex, in terms of appearance. Issues at my home used to be too intensive that my sister used to attempt suicide many times and my dad used to hold her tightly and not let her. This happened for years. It was all total nightmare for me and the entire family. We have all been so much stressed about the debts. Gone through the most stressful phase. Eg, we would lock ourselves inside our home when the person whom we had to payback knocks our door. We had to sell two of our own houses. My mom had lot of insecurities that she doesn’t have good education. She didn’t go to college. And also about her attitude and social life. She had complex and insecurities during my childhood. But as we grew up, and my sister had those inferiority complex issues, she even was taking prescribed drugs for controlling emotions. Things went out of hands after that. No time for anybody to think about anything. We all just wanted to face this issue of hers. This is during my 8-9th grade. We moved to a different town, a small town , from a comparatively well developed town. That changed a lot. I joined a school which is had lesser standards. But even before that, since my 5-6-7 th grades, I used to playfully like girls my class. I used to tell my friends that I like her. Partly because I had seen so many movies having all these romance. So I used to like some or the other girl, like a pair or couple. It’s like saying she is the girl I like. Here there is this concept of one side love. A guy first falls in love on a girl, and then tells their friend that she is the girl  he loves. And approaches her, does all sorts of flattering things, to attract her convince her, amd the girl accepts if she really likes. So I was also obsessed with this, liking some girl etc. Since 6th grade. I used to get crushes on teachers. After I moved to a different, smaller town, things changed a lot. That town was even reserved. The school didn’t encourage boys and girls even talking or being together. It wasn’t restricted but not encouraged as well. It was a conservative town. I joined this new school in my 9th grade. I studied in a boys only class of my school. And for 10th, I shifted to a coed class, where boys girls both study. Most of the time I roamed with guys only as talking to a girl and spending time with them is not something students did there. We just talk in class on higher level, and nothing more than that. I used to get a lot of crushes then. After I completed my 10th, board exams, I got bit low marks. So my dad decided to send me to a different school in a totally different town. A school where students join and stay in hostel, and they are forced to wake up at 4.30 am and get ready and study, and study till 10.30 at night. That school is famous for creating state level rank holders. But it was so strict. Boys only school. No option to contact home. Strict hostel and school timings and food. We can talk to our home only when any of the parents come to visit their kid, and we borrow their phone to talk to home for few minutes. I was confident at the beginning for couple of months. My studies was going well. This was for my 11 th grade. Few students used to cry as they were home sick. I used to console them .  After them 2 months, I had to come home for a holiday for couple of days. My dad came to  pick me up and we travelled all the way to my home.  When I had to go back to school after holiday, I left home early in the morning but after this, I started being home sick. I was thinking about home all the time. I started crying and other guys consoled me. But it increased. I became desperate to run away. I created a story that my stomach is getting often troubled because of the hostel food and so I want to quit and go back. I had some stomach issues due to food but not in that level that I should quit and go back. But I made that up to quit. Knowing this, my parents came to visit me and console. But I cried literally that I am not able to sustian here. My dad then took me back home. Quitting the school there. Took me back to my small home town and got me admitted to the same old school which I joined on 9th grade. So same old circle. Conservative circle. I used to roam with seniors and guys in the neighborhood who are elder. In 11 and 12 th grade, I started smoking and drinking, cuz the people I roamed around did that and they were seniors and rowdies in the neighborhood. So everybody used to like and love some girl. I too had crush on a girl in my 12 th. To create sympathy, I have used a razor blade to mark cuts in my hand. Plenty of them. Lot of blood. I had so fragile crush feelings then. But that passed on. After 12 th, I joined a reputed university for my under grad. I used to drink and smoke a lot then. I started living a girl in my class in colege. She was the most beautiful girl so I automatically got crush on her. After sometime she liked me too, we got into relationship. And this went on happily for 3 years. Entire under grad. 2007-10. She was so beautiful. I was average at that time. Had my insecurities. Was so possesive on her. Used to feel bad even if she talks to some other guy or if she likes any actor. Too much possessiveness ruined it. She got pissed off and left me after three years , after we both joined same college for post grad. I was mad for about 1.5 years, 2010 -12. I tried everything to get her back. Went to counseling. Wentto dance classes to impress. But eventually the feelings reduced. I remember during this relationship, she was so soft and fragile . She loved me a lot and I did too. But whenever we were too close, we didn’t have any fight, as she was so soft and fragile, I used to feel something weird, as in something too much , too much that I can handle in my mind. When we used to fight, I felt normal and okay, but being so close, so much attached, it was something that made me so much mad. I don’t know how to explain. So this happened. Coming back to post grad, the new girl who had joined. In 2012, after I kind of moved over the first girl, I started getting crush on thsi new girl. I started talking to her, was behind her. She had just fallen into another relationship m, with a guy outside college. But I barged in, she was responding too. I was all romantic flirty flattering and I had true feelings too. She fellfor me eventually and we had relationship. This was all in the same setup. In front of samel friends and curl in the college who knew I was in a 3 year relationship before. And I was so mad for 1.5 years after she dumped me. I have cried to almost many of my friends about my first girl when she left. Everybody knew that. So when I moved over and started loving another girl, few people spoke bad of me that I am destroying another girls life. It felt so bad. So heart broken to be in that situation. But we continued, me and new girl. I had this guilt and bad feeling about what people were thinking about me. My first girl was also there is same class. She eventually came to know about my new relationship. First girl came back crying, and lot of things happened there. But finally, me and new girl continued. Her father didn’t approve this. I went to her home alone to talk to her dad. It didn’t go well. But somehow later her dad asked my parents to come talk because she was adament on this. When my parents went there , they were not treated so well. Eventually so many issues happened and she got married to some one else. In 2014. After that I moved on soon cuz somewhere I knew that was not going to work out. That’s when I decided I shouldn’t fall for girls so easily. I shouldn’t be so naive. I have some dignity and self respect. But I continued being on low self esteem. I went back to first girl after second girl got married. But I didn’t want to marry first one as well. I used to drink a lot. Get crushes on office colleagues easily. I took things so light. It was like I liked getting crushes and approaching and flirting with gilrs though I wasn’t serious. I am a big time procrastinator. I had this dream of body building and getting to my best physique. Since my 11 th grade in school. In school, I used to do a lot of pushups and workouts and had the best body of my life. But now to the level I want. In college , I wasted under and post grad behind these relationships only. Didn’t follow my passion of workout body building and dancing. I had great interest in dancing during 7th grade. That’s when I knew I could dance decently well. I could have kept on to it, practising new dance forms like folk bboying etc. But I wasted it all since 9tu grade when I moved to different town. So in college I didn’t follow my passion. In 7th and 8th grade I have performed in dance competitions and won. I loved that feeling when teachers and others appreciate my dance. I had a bit of celebrity kind of feeling. But after 9th nothing wentwell. Colelge wasted. So after my second girl got married , I again continued drinking smoking partying falling in crush flirting etc. Didn’t follow dance or workout. I used to pay for gym for years and not go even for a day. I used to flirt and approach girls even though I know their answers,just becuaee I liked doing it. Days passed. I went into depression slowly. And that’s when in 2018 I met the girl, a friend of my friend, the elder sibling. And months later the younger sibling.

    I have been regretting all along of my unaccomplishment. In terms of dance and workout to get six packs. It’s my dream. But I never was consistent. In my life. During 2014 onwards, after second girl got married, I wanted to improve my self esteem, improve myself in every aspect my looks, appearance, personality, join dance clubs in my office, do performances on stage and get that celebrity feeling, workout and get six packs , the dream of mine. Not flirt and fall for anyone easily dress up really good every single day, groom myself up well everyday, gain confidence in myself over the time doing these , and then meet a suitable , maybe in a dance club, in a gym, or in tech clubs entrepreneurs club, basically somewhere where I went following my passion and to meet someone in that path. That would be more compatible and satisfying, than falling behind in my dreams, not improving my self confidence, self respect and constantly falling in love with girls. I regret not doing all those I said. Instead, I did everything I don’t want to, and here I am. Every single day is a night mare.