I’m glad you bring that up Helcat, my aunt is actually in a multi racial relationship. Her fiancee is a white man who’s quite nice. However, this doesn’t stop my mother and aunt from looking down on white people occasionally.

I’m so nervous about the moral implications of staying with him. I do care for him, and I know he cares for me. I just want to make a decision that will end with everyone happy, including myself.

“I would explain things further to your aunt, see if she changes her mind over time. I would explain things (your guilt, your loyalty) to your boyfriend, not accusing him of anything and being kind to him, and plan on a month-long break from contacting and texting each other, a break to be re-evaluated in a month.”

This sounds like a good plan, but I’m not sure if I could bare at the moment. He’s been the only person my age that I’ve been able to talk to. He still makes me feel good and I know he cares for me.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I want to do both. I want to be there for my family and also maintain a good relationship with him. I’ve told him about everything my aunt has done and he was remorseful. I honestly think it’s on me for joking in that way and then giving him the wrong idea.</p>

Hi Roberta. It took me a little while, but I finally understand what you’re saying.

My only question is what I do from now. I do really want to stay with him, but I just can’t shake that guilt. It’s only been that one problem, so I think I’d be able to get over it, but it’s a question of if I need to be more intentful I suppose.

“Hi, Lulu, I think that it is probably not a good idea to share his inappropriate joke with your family. What was the miscommunication that made them not like him in the first place?”

Good morning Hellcat (or evening, lol, I’m not sure because of the time differences), but the miscommunication was that my old therapist had been telling his son, who’s the same age as me, my business, and he was then spreading it around the school. My boyfriend is friends with that son and I thought he had had a hand in spreading that information around. I told my mother and aunt and they told me that it was likely he was fine and even helping to spread that sensitive information, but I found out that he had been the only one defending me, not spreading it.

I tried to communicate this with my mother and aunt, but they said it was best to leave him behind because they believed he was being two-faced, and he’s still in high school. My aunt was particularly adamant about leaving him behind since she was concerned that his friends were talking terribly about me and reporting my old therapist. I managed to convince her that it wasn’t his fault since he was 17 and my therapist was a grown man who breached my security. For now, they staved off on side eyeing him, but I know for certain that if they knew the joke, they would be angry at him and me for not saying anything.

He’s genuinely a really good partner. We text all day, every day, and he’s always showering me with compliments and being an incredibly good support. I just wish he hadn’t made that joke because I thought that so long as he continued doing that, he could “earn” the trust of my family. But that joke feels like another nail in that coffin.

I have no intention of telling my family about the joke. It would be hypocritical; I have joked similarly about his father and his friends, and even worse because I DIRECTLY said I was going to do it. I was joking, but it just feels like a terrible time right now.

My aunt is involved in my life, dating or otherwise, and she has very strong opinions about hanging out with the “right” people. I just know that if this got out, she’d be angry. Even though I have no intention of sharing the joke, I feel incredibly guilty for keeping that a secret.

It’s to the point where I can’t text or contact him without feeling that pang of guilt or imagining that look of anger or hurt on my mother and aunt’s face. They take crime very seriously, and threats even more so. I just know that they’ll be telling me that it’s possible that it’s not a joke or that he’s an actual threat even though I feel otherwise. I just wish I didn’t feel such a heavy pang of guilt. My family loves and values me and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I’m not compromising that.

“I am sorry that your family is not supportive of your efforts. Maybe you could ask them what they would do to achieve and maintain a healthy body & weight? This might actually get them thinking rather than just criticizing. If you are eating health giving foods and not empty junk food and exercising moderately rather than excessively, then ask them ‘what are their fears ?”

Thank you Roberta, for your sympathy. I understand logically WHY my family is worried. If my daughter wasn’t eating for a day or two, perhaps I would be in the same boat. My mom actively said she wants me to count calories and do small meals every single day rather than going cold turkey until it’s the day I’m able to break my fast. She thinks my mindset toward eating is incorrect I argued that we as humans don’t need food everyday and that’s when we started to argue.

My mom’s afraid that I’m going to go the other direction. She warned me before I got fat what the consequences were going to be and I didn’t listen. Now she feels as though I’m going to go in the opposite direction and become anxoreic, which I just don’t see happening. I don’t know how to change her mind that I won’t yoyo when I already got obese in the past against her warnings.

Hi Helcat. Thanks for all the well thought out messages. Believe it or not, I’m reading each and everyone of them with deep consideration.

“The thing is that you are young and still growing, it is hard to continue to grow if you don’t eat enough food. There is also a minimum amount of calories that should be eaten in a day and going under that is just as unhealthy as morbid obesity. People are not just worried about an eating disorder, they are also worried about your health. Eating disorders can kill. Once you get to your goal weight if the behaviour doesn’t stop and you continue this pattern you will quite literally potentially die in a few years. Once fat stores are used, the next thing that your body does is start eating your muscle. Your heart is made of muscle, now you see why eating disorders can be so dangerous?”

I didn’t think of it like that. I just don’t want people to treat me like I’m wrong for wanting to lose weight when I was fatter and they did say anything.

“Your original plan of eating once a day was working, your current plan of eating once every other day is not working. Why do you want to continue a course of action that isn’t getting you closer to your goal weight?”

It’s taking a bit but Alternate Day Fasting has been working. It was one meal a day I hit a stagnation because I think my body was used to it. It’s really frustrating that I’m not losing weight as quickly as I used to, but I just have to be patient.

“Why are you critical of yourself at your current weight? It seems like despite feeling better about your current weight, your mind hasn’t quite absorbed that you are no longer your old weight.”

It’s always scary but a lot of people have rebounds and relapsing in their weight. I’ve worked very hard, and I really don’t want it to be for nothing.

“Eating junk food tends to make me gain weight more than anything else. Portion sizing also helps. Many people simply eat too large a meal portion. Some people find getting a smaller bowl or plate helpful for gauging portion sizing.”

I heavily agree with you. I was snaking way too much.

I really need to start exercising like you mentioned. It would give me a bit more leniency on the amount of calories I consume. I’d also build muscle faster as well, and perhaps my family wouldn’t be so worried.

Hey Anita, this is Lulu.

I had Prom a week ago by now. It went well I think. I haven’t been to that school in a year and since I lost a lot of weight and was wearing make-up, a lot of people didn’t recognize me. It was nice being called beautiful, even when I didn’t feel any different.

I managed to contact with some old friends, particularly the people I haven’t talked to since I left.

After Prom, I got a few messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while. Some apologized for not keeping in contact. Some said they couldn’t believe how much I had changed. I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different.

I spent most of Prom hanging outside in a small tent with an old friend and her friend group. I was congratulated on my acceptance to college, especially since it’s notorious for being difficult to get into since last year’s valedictorian was the only person who got in.

And speaking of valedictorian, this year’s valedictorian has been a good friend of mine since middle school. After my sister got diagnosed and I moved away, we didn’t talk. At least until now. At Prom, we sat down and talked for almost two hours. She hugged me and we cried. She said she hopes to see me at graduation.

I’m still on my antidepressants. Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’m still recovering from that. My mouth and chin are incredibly swollen. According to my mom and sister, I cried when I woke up from surgery and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again. They said I wanted the nurse to love me and I kept apologizing for not being perfect. I just kept saying sorry over and over again for not being perfect. Apparently, the nurse said I was perfect and she loved me, but I’m sure she was just trying to calm me down. My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok.

My mom and siblings are getting ready for North Carolina. I’m staying home so I can take care of our pets. My psychologycollege professor emailed me a few days ago so we can meet via zoom call and talk about some classroom plans.

Some highlights of this week; I got to play Smash Brothers with a guy friend of mine for about two hours. It was nice talking to him, especially since he’s been busy with college classes. I also got invited to another friend’s graduation party at Prom, so that was nice.

My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.

In the meantime, how have you been Anita?

Sometimes, I don’t think about anything that has been happening. Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy and everything feels like it’s feel.

And then there are days where it feels as though the very world is ending for me and I get lost in a sea of bad memories and feelings.

I appreciate you taking the time to dissect my long rant, I know the online guidelines say 1000 to 2000 words, but I just got into such a mood that I felt the urge to blurt it out. I never got the chance to fully communicate my trauma and thoughts to the people in my life outside of my mom and therapist occasionally, so it felt like a weight has been released.

I’m still not sure where I’m going to be once I graduate or how this is going to occur or how North Carolina is, but I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family.

I’ll also try not to rant on here again like I have, but should anything major arise, I’ll provide updates here and there so I can ground myself. I hope that even though Tiny Buddha can’t replace an actual professionally acquired therapist, it can still be a pillar for my mental health as I enter college.

All of this is just to say, it feels good to be acknowledged outside of my trauma and my current situation. It often doesn’t feel like there’s a me outside of it, but right now, it feels like there’s a glimmer in there. Thank you both and have a good night. I’ll continue to float around the website for as long as I feel necessary, and hope to see both you and Anita around here.