Sometimes, I don’t think about anything that has been happening. Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy and everything feels like it’s feel.

And then there are days where it feels as though the very world is ending for me and I get lost in a sea of bad memories and feelings.

I appreciate you taking the time to dissect my long rant, I know the online guidelines say 1000 to 2000 words, but I just got into such a mood that I felt the urge to blurt it out. I never got the chance to fully communicate my trauma and thoughts to the people in my life outside of my mom and therapist occasionally, so it felt like a weight has been released.

I’m still not sure where I’m going to be once I graduate or how this is going to occur or how North Carolina is, but I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family.

I’ll also try not to rant on here again like I have, but should anything major arise, I’ll provide updates here and there so I can ground myself. I hope that even though Tiny Buddha can’t replace an actual professionally acquired therapist, it can still be a pillar for my mental health as I enter college.

All of this is just to say, it feels good to be acknowledged outside of my trauma and my current situation. It often doesn’t feel like there’s a me outside of it, but right now, it feels like there’s a glimmer in there. Thank you both and have a good night. I’ll continue to float around the website for as long as I feel necessary, and hope to see both you and Anita around here.

“Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go“- can you elaborate on this sentence?”

Certainly, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate.

I always felt that my issue was my environment, I think. There was always some excuse, “I’m in a  predominantly white area, I’m just not the right type of personality,” to the point where it’s like, no matter where I go, I won’t fit in I think. Like, I’m just doomed essentially to always be an outcast because I’m me and not any other reason if that makes sense.

A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others. I want, more than anything, to have a sense of normalcy and be able to not only take care and support myself, but also be a pillar for people who feel like me; out of place.