I wanted to be a writer for a long time. I’ve always felt the urge to create something new, to share my own experiences and ideas and then package them into digestible portions of entertainment and whimsy for anyone interested.

However, as time went on, I noticed that becoming an author, let alone having your book published, let alone having people interested is a massive endeavor, one that often is very time and money-consuming for results that are more often than not stellar. So I decided to switch to psychology to become either a psychologist or a therapist my sophomore year. I was encouraged to abandon my English degree since I’m a low-income minority and it’s all but taboo for a low-income person to not pursue something STEM-related to not be working minimum wage for the rest of their life. No, Liberal Arts majors were seen as purely for the privileged, the ones who can afford to “waste daddy’s money on a useless degree.”

I grew up in a predominantly white town as a black person, let alone a black female. My high school has a population of 3% black kids, and I was the only black person in my advanced/college classes and the only black person in NHS. I was always made aware of my “otherwise,” beyond my skin color, I’ve always had a very loud personality type. My therapist had long suspected that I have autism or something along those lines.

As a result, my mental health wasn’t taken seriously by anyone. No one could ever really understand my intentions or feelings, even very close friends of mine, so I never had the chance to talk it out with anyone. Even if my friends supported it, no one ever really understood it, if that makes sense. I’ve always been a social outcast even amongst other black people, so I know it’s largely a personality thing and not a race thing (though my school, is a rural small town with a majority being Republican/traditional and as a result, I’ve heard my fair share of racist comments or microaggressions.)

So I wanted to bring the gap between my race and mental health because both have affected me so much in almost all areas of my life. My journalism/Honors English teacher suggested that I look into Howard University, the “pivotal black excellence experience,” so I worked on getting accepted my entire junior year.

Now a year later, I’ve been accepted, but I’m not going. I was so excited at the end of January to be let into such a prestigious academy for people JUST like me, but there’s a large issue; the subcultures. You see, even if I were to be around black excellence, my perception of myself wouldn’t change because it’s never an issue of “not seeing people who look like me,” it’s never seeing people who ACT like me.

Howard has a lot of structural and foundational problems as well. Their graduation rates are low, the financial aid is known to be terrible, and the people there can be quite uppity (but that isn’t a Howard-specific problem, just a college problem in general) but the real kicker is that I’m essentially going to be paying a lot of money just to be an “another black person.” There’s nothing unique or intriguing about me that I feel is important enough to represent the black community. And even then, I can’t say for sure that my want to represent the community is real or if I just want to fill the void of always being the only black person in the room.

I got accepted into a very good school. It’s close to home, the financial aid is generous and the psychology field is amazing. If I play my cards right, I can essentially walk out of that school debt-free.

However, there are several issues that I’ve considered over and over again. One, the school is majority white, which isn’t an issue, it’s the fact that most if not all of them are incredibly well off. It’s no secret, it’s literally in their description when you look them up. Most of them are pretty and preppy and have perfect stats and money and friends and community. I don’t have that. They’re automated going to feel a sense of belongingness and sameness and safeness. They never look out of place, always smiling, always on top of things. The few minorities and low income that are there have proven themselves to be gifted and devoted, so the air of confidence they exude outshines the physical qualities that otherwise might make them “other.”
<p style=”text-align: left;”>They seem quiet. Polite. Invention. Accomplished. Distinguished. And most of all, neurotypical. The stats are way above my range to be completely frank. I’m autistic and if I’m not very quiet and practically a fly on the wall, I’m in your face loud. If I go to this school, I might not be able to handle the academics or the socializing, and if I can’t do that, then what right do I have to be there? I’m there on an extensive scholarship that’s merit-based and covering a LOT, so if I don’t succeed, I’ll be in debt. I have no income, no savings, no one will catch me if and when I fall.</p>
And I’m doing all this for a degree that is only good for becoming one thing, maybe two, and nothing else because it’s not generalized or broad enough go affect any day to day job like stem does. It’s clear these people are of a different caliber, and if I do poorly, it’ll reflect badly on me. I already look like a diversity hirer, I don’t want to prove anyone right by being incompetent and unable to make valuae social connections.

In terms of the liberal arts field, this school outranks Howard by miles. They’re very interested in me, very tight knit and the classes are small enough for professors to get to know you and the academics are considered top rate. It’s very elitist and private, a “hidden Ivy league.” There’s pretty much no cons there. And yet I can’t help but feel uncomfortable with both Howard and this school.

Or maybe the discomfort is just me. Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go.