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Dan

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  • #407793
    Dan
    Participant

    Yeah. I am in therapy but I’ve also been sabotaging myself a bit with drinking and stuff. Im having a hard time. I know what I need to do I just can’t get started and would rather drown my pain.

    #407629
    Dan
    Participant

    Thanks Anita.  I was sexually abused, not by my parents but by my brother who is 8 years older than me. It was ongoing a bit as a young kid (I think I was 4-6). And then once when I was about 8-9. It’s not something I talk about a lot. I’ve only told maybe 3 people outside of my family. Anyhow. I think this also affected my teenage years as well and probably most of my life. I have no resentment towards my brother we still talk and see one another on occasion. I also have a mental health condition which I’ve taken medication for over the past 20 years. I’m lucky as I haven’t dealt with another “episode” since I was 23. I’m not almost 43.  I actually can’t believe I’m typing this all out on the internet but it’s my story.

    #407622
    Dan
    Participant

    To add to this I know I have childhood trauma that I have not really dealt with. It’s something I just avoided talking about but now I can see what attachment wounds are and that they are very real.

    #407619
    Dan
    Participant

    @Anita. Thank you so much for the book recommendations. I also enjoy watching a person on YouTube named Alan Roberge. He is a psychotherapist and talks a lot about childhood attachment wounds and how they show up in our adult life. If you have a moment check him out, he has many good videos.


    @Tee
    . I just now read your last two posts and I can say that you pretty much nailed it. What you wrote in your first post is something that I can fully agree with. What I’m going through now is not really wanting another relationship. What I need is a better relationship with myself and until that has developed a little bit then perhaps down the road I would consider another romantic relationship. To be honest though. I’m still holding onto hope that maybe in a few years my wife and I could possibly get back together. With how things went down I do keep that hope alive. Although we aren’t communicating anymore I think it’s a good time to work on myself, improve myself and who knows what the future holds?  I do appreciate your comments.

    #407313
    Dan
    Participant

    Hi Anita. I would like that. How do we go about doing that?

    #407211
    Dan
    Participant

    Yes.

    #407188
    Dan
    Participant

    I think part of the problem was that I cared too much. If I felt tension I would always want to know what was wrong and I often burdened myself with wanting to make things right. I would often ask what did I do wrong. I was hard on myself.

    #407173
    Dan
    Participant

    I guess I should say through when we were being intimate with one another it was good. We had very good chemistry in that regard.

    #407172
    Dan
    Participant

    I would agree that there was a lack of communication. As for me not being there to help in challenging times that is incorrect. I was always there to help her and I did, I did a lot to help with anything and she knew that. She even said that she felt like she was using me as I was always willing to help. When we got back together for a few weeks but then she said she needed space I asked her why. She told me that she needed to gather herself a bit as I think the feelings my have started becoming a bit too intense for her. I said that’s fine and she said it was hard to tell me that because I am always there to help and that I’m always nice. So that theory is a bit of a stretch, but I do understand what you’re saying and there could be a sliver of truth to it. Her mom did move out at the end of January however she did move back in in June and that’s when we stopped seeing one another again.


    @Helcat
    .

    The father wasn’t overly abusive however I know he didn’t really step up as a father. He didn’t pay child support and my wife didn’t ask for it. I provided more for the kids than he did. In fact, with the settlement of the house happened, the only reason I didn’t take 50% of what I was entitled to is simply because of the kids. I took them in to full consideration.

    As for my needs. Again it’s hard for me to say exactly what. I would often want to go on a mini vacation as we really didn’t have a honeymoon and she wouldn’t want to go. I also feel closet with her through physical touch. At some point that wasnt being reciprocated. I’m not just talking about sex but just any kind of physical affection. Anyhow, I may have wanted that too much and I think sometimes for her being more of a dismissive avoidant style of attachment this wasn’t always easy for her to do.

    #407046
    Dan
    Participant

    My wife told me that she wanted a separation because she was emotionally tapped out. She couldn’t do it all. Be a wife, mother and caretaker. She said that she loves me but wasn’t in love with me. She said a lot of things that at that time I don’t think she meant. As when we got back together she said she was in love with me. I think it was all just too much to handle and I came at the bottom of the totem pole.

    #407045
    Dan
    Participant

    What happened was before her mom moved in I was in the master bedroom. My wife was downstairs and her son would sometimes sleep in his own room. Once her mom moved in she took my bed and I slept on the couch. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t sleep in my stepson’s room. I think it was because I didn’t want to as it’s his space. I suppose I could have had I wanted to.

    I know there was a lack of communication. My wife is very independent and does have trouble communicating. She is more dismissive avoidant type whereas I’m anxious pre occupied and this is where my “neediness” shows up.  I’ve done some reading on these styles and a lot of it makes sense into the dynamics of the relationship.

    Im just hurt and thought we could still see one another and we did up until her mom moved in. I’m trying to find some peace within myself but it’s not easy.

    #407042
    Dan
    Participant

    I’m having a hard time letting go as I think that there could still be a future for us just not at this moment. I like to think that once the kids grow up the parents are out of the house that we can make it work. Like I said, I think this was more circumstantial than a failed marriage. Could things have been done differently?  Yes but I can’t change the past. I need to move.

    #407040
    Dan
    Participant

    @Helcat

    I think you’ve pointed out some interesting things. I don’t know why the cried when they knew I was seeing her. Their father is likely to have some influence over it. I can see him talking poorly about the situation. My wife left him because he was abusive. And I agree that it’s abusive for her to let her son sleep next to her. I think she feels guilty about some things and lets her kids dictate aspects where there should be boundaries.

    I don’t know why I didn’t sleep in his bed when I was on the couch. It’s a good question. About my neediness. I think I wanted more attention than I was getting. Much of my happiness came from her which isn’t healthy. I would try to please her while neglecting my own needs. So I suppose I was just trying to be a good husband in the only way I knew how.

    I love my wife my than anything and I have a really hard time being mad at her.  I would like to think that in a few years when the kids get older than we could reconcile as she even hinted at that when we stared seeing one another shortly after our separation


    @Tee

    When I say needs I can’t really pinpoint what exactly. I only really felt her pulling away near Christmas. Was there a lack of communication?  For sure there was. As for the sleeping arrangements. I do believe that she wasn’t getting good sleep being next to me. I do snore quite loudly. Whether the fact the her son played a role in it is hard to say.

    As for her son. I don’t think when the sleeping arrangements changed is when he started distancing himself. I also can’t pinpoint exactly when this started happening but it was probably around Oct 2021. We had a good relationship and something happened and I don’t know what.  My wife said he was going through some stuff but didn’t tell me what that stuff was. I tried not to pry.


    @Anita

    I certainly always tried to please my wife. Was I a “yes man”?  I don’t know. I am who I am. Can I work on some aspects of my life?  For sure. I know my strengths and weaknesses. In my first relationship I did voice myself more but I can say that I didn’t really love her. It was my first relationship we were both lonely and we just stayed together too long. The feelings I have for my wife is unconditional love. I want her to be happy and I tried to do that. I did a lot of good things. I was good with the kids and I was good ti her. And I will always be good to her and I will never hurt her. Have I been hurt?  Yes.  But I’m trying to take things in stride as much as it hurts.

    #407026
    Dan
    Participant

    Thanks so much Tee.  So before Covid we had the kids one week on one week off. Because of our house we only had two bedrooms as the other one had been flooded. So her son slept in his own bed but it was in our bedroom. Once we had the other room finished her daughter went into that bedroom and her son went into his own bedroom.

    Im not easy to sleep with as I snore loudly and about 4 months before our separation my wife said she needed her own bed as she wasn’t getting good sleep. So we bought a bed and set it up in the basement. This now allowed her son to start sleeping with her again. I didn’t mind because at least she was getting better sleep.

    Once her mom moved in, her mom took my bed which basically left me with no bed to sleep on, so I had to sleep on the couch. Did I resent that her son was sleeping in her bed while I was on the couch?  Yes I can honestly say part of me did. Maybe that’s me being selfish, I don’t know.

    I would love to hear more about self parenting. I am in therapy right now however I’m not sure if I have the right therapist. I’ve also done a lot of reading and watching videos on attachment styles. Again, thanks for your help.

    #407023
    Dan
    Participant

    Also. I didn’t show any frustration. I maybe should have but I didn’t. But I think she did sense. Actually she said one time that she thought I was jealous of her son. This is farthest from the truth but I guess she was being pulled in all different directions.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)