Matt, i’m really grateful for you respond, it’s highly appreciated 🙂
I just got back from a night out with friends and your comment really warmed my heart.
I think that those vicious circles and the horror stories i’m telling myself in my head are my best friends, I know it sounds odd, but in the minute I don’t let myself connect to my biggest fears and push them to the side they seem even bigger than what they really are. If I brainwash myself into positive thinking I immediately don’t let my fears take place and they are really important to me. I don’t want to experience my fears in real life, I don’t want to be an homeless and a parasite in real life, so I imagine myself in to most horrible situations and this is when I really realize that they are not real, that in the end of all these horror stories there is a good end, because I know myself, I know I have my consciousness and my powers.
In the end of the day I think fear is really important to feel, so we could overcome it.

I think your absolutely right about my selfishness, I know I am selfish, and this year is going to be only about selfishness, since last year I volunteered as an assistant to teachers in an elementary school of deaf children, I learned a lot of it, I found myself identifying with the children so much, sometimes they reached to the 5th grade without knowing how to read, they were neglected by the system and by they’re teachers sometimes, the problem was, I couldn’t identify with the teachers and understand how miserable they were that they couldn’t get the right guidance how to reach the kids and answer they’re emotional needs. I found myself criticizing them for slacking around drinking coffee and leaving me with the kids alone. I was also trying to solve my own problems and felt like I can’t really find my place there, or at home with my mother.
now I really feel it’s a good time to invest in myself and stop neglecting myself so I could also invest in the people around me hopefully 🙂

Your’re so right!! I have to start being a little kid again!! I forgot it or never knew how to do it, since I also tried to only survive growing up… there is a great moving energy about being 18 and thinking every perception you have on the world is just what your parents and environment thought you, and now you have a full choice to teach yourself something else, something alternative, Its pretty much like the whole world is waiting for me to take a look at and I have to do it in baby steps, try out everyday something a bit different… and stop avoiding the things I feel and the things the world offers me…
I dont know If I love myself but I’m just starting to understand I’m not perfect and the people around me can’t always confirm my feelings… I’m starting to understand proportions, I’m starting to understand all my unnecessary defense mechanisms, I’m starting listening to the people around me, to differentiate between illusion and reality.

🙂
I thank you greatly