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  • October 23, 2014 at 10:52 pm #66721
    -M
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    Hi Miriam,

    It sounds like you’re in a very difficult place. I don’t know the cultural context so I can’t really take that into account.

    In my view, at least, your husband should stand up for you and ask your FIL to treat you with respect. But given that that does not seem to be occurring, I don’t know what else I would say to you.

    You could perhaps have a very frank conversation with the parties involved. But other than that, I would say that it appears that your only recourse is to leave the situation.

    Life is too short to be disrespected continuously.

    Best wishes,

    October 23, 2014 at 10:47 pm #66720
    -M
    Participant

    You’re in a difficult situation.

    Jaye is probably right. If you truly believe that those videos are indicative of his fantasies, then you have a duty to protect.

    Although you might “overprotect”, the prevention of harm to a child is of paramount importance. I know that the law in Canada is such that even the presence of a threat of future harm is sufficient to enable authorities to intervene.

    Best wishes to you,

    October 23, 2014 at 10:38 pm #66719
    -M
    Participant

    Hi Tyler,

    It sounds like you’re emotional right now. The brutal truth is that you’re probably not feeling like yourself and you’re probably not thinking like yourself either.

    I agree with one of the earlier posts. Actions are all that matter.

    You stated earlier that you did something to hurt her. Every action has a reaction. This is the reaction.

    We all must learn to accept the reality of the reaction. You made a choice and you did the action. Now you have to accept the reaction. There is nothing more empowering than owning your decisions and owning the consequences.

    Of course it is going to hurt. You spent a good chunk of your life with her. It is like taking off your sweater in the cold and now it is raw and open.

    But at least now, you get a chance to really think for yourself again. Focus your energy on sorting out the important question. The important question is not whether she will take you back or whether she loves you. The important question is how you feel about her. Then, you can gauge at what length and the severity of sacrifices that you would make in order to win her back. Then, you will be in a position to focus your energy and be able to act with intention.

    Peace to you,
    M

    July 3, 2014 at 9:37 pm #60178
    -M
    Participant

    Hi Tina,

    First off, the human relationship is complex. And each one is unique. Just like a snowflake, no two are the same.

    In any event, you asked for a “new perspective”. I suppose, any perspective that isn’t yours, will be considered “new” to you. I wish to preface any comments that I make by emphasizing that there is no “right” or “wrong” perspective. This is your relationship, and it is your interpretation of it that is important. My comments are simply my comments. They aren’t “better” or “worse” than any others’, especially yours.

    You state that you “wish”… What I glean from your statement is that you’re feeling uncomfortable with the reality of the situation. Or else, why would you “wish” for anything else?

    You’ve also mentioned that he’s “stuck in the past”. It sounds as though you two aren’t in the same place.

    Relationships are tough for this reason. Every day that we go sleep, we are a different a person than we were when we woke up that morning. The clock ticks, and time continues on; whether we like it or not. Because time continues on inevitably, it is impossible for us to remain unchanged. Things will happen during the day that will alter our perspective on life, and change us.

    If he yearns for a previous version of you, or even himself for that matter, then he is not accepting the real you nor accepting what the reality of the situation is. The reality of the situation is that you two are experiencing difficulties. The “real” you, is the one that you are today.

    It is oft-cited that Einstein once said, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result”. Well, something is not working in your relationship. So, something must be changed. Just as it is easier to push a couch when two people push instead of one, fixing this problem will likely be easier remedied if both people exert effort instead of only one.

    I also do believe in the power of counseling. It would be interesting to see what would happen if he was to surrender and accept some help.

    Lastly, I want to ask you if are familiar with the theory of “sunk cost”. If you don’t, you might find it interesting.

    Ultimately, what’s most important is for you to sort out how you feel. If you feel that it’s “meant to be” and you’re willing to fight for it, then do it. If you feel that both of you have changed such that reconciling is unrealistic, then so be it. Just be willing to make a decision and own it. There are going to be consequences to every decision that we make — so let’s take responsibility for the consequences (whether “good” or “bad”)! To do so is to be empowered!

    Good luck, stay present, and trust yourself! You have the ability to make the right decision for yourself. I also believe that “everything happens for a reason”. Now is the time for you to figure out why this happened! 🙂

    Peace be with you.

    April 19, 2014 at 8:13 pm #55023
    -M
    Participant

    Ruby,

    Interesting story. I see that you’ve asked for opinions.

    First off, is he still living out of the country and only visiting intermittently? The reality is that if this becomes serious, someone will have to move.

    Next, I would agree with Matt. It is easy for us quickly use up our energy speculating. If you genuinely want to know where his head is at, you must ask him. If you do, you should be prepared to disclose where you’re at as well. As Dale Carenegie describes in “How not to Worry”, we should try to gather information before worrying. I believe that you’re in the information-gathering phase.

    Lastly, you mentioned that he struggles with depression. From my experience, persons with depressive tendencies can really take it out of us. Although we may wish to rescue them, that really isn’t our role. Furthermore, though it may appear as though we can rescue them initially, the effect will fade over time. As many of the articles on this site point to, the depressed person must become responsible for addressing his depression himself.

    Most importantly, my thoughts are simply an opinion – not advice. Only you will know what is best for yourself. With matters of the heart, I tend to try to follow my heart more than my head. But you must trust your decision-making ability.

    There is nothing to be scared of. Things work out the way that they should. As quoted before, “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”- Dalai Lama

    The emotions you describe are exciting. Enjoy the ride.
    -M

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