Dear anita,

Thank you again for your kind words.

(1) i wasnt diagnosed with a specific class of ptsd. My therapist at the time told me that i had it, but because she wasnt specialised i was told to go to a specialist, for which im still searching. She gave me this advice at the end of the therapy.

(2) she was diagnosed with bpd in a clinic, later on she went to a therapist regularly who – as she told me – wasnt sure about the bpd diagnosis and wanted to check that through a longer process and also thought that my ex might have codependent personality disorder. After shutting down communication with me my ex never told what her therapist diagnosed. What do you mean with ,,something i came up with”?

(3) her anger wasnt destructive. My ex was very passive-aggressive and very tense, up until when she would try to start an argument. She did storm out a few times during arguments, but not very often.

Ed

Dear anita,

i felt very distressed before.

“Are you okay with continuing this discussion?…  can’t pay you any more in return for your work than expressions about my honest appreciation”/ “When I submit this post, the paragraph above becomes public record and you and I will hold me accountable for what it says.” – i hope me writing this doesnt bring any legal trouble, kind of sounds like it if i interpret it correctly? i had a bad moment of self-hate and correlating stress when writing this, no legal harm intended.

“My input: it takes courage to do what you did here: to talk about what’s causing you self-doubt and distress. Addressing issues that cause us distress is difficult and should be done with care, in small portions and gently.” – thank you and you are right. i learned this just with my previous post (small portions and gently).

“When people were not exact in what they said, if what they said over time had any inconsistencies, I was immediately suspicious that they were lying. I didn’t understand that everyone’s memories are imperfect and that at different times people remember different aspects of the same experience” – i understand. i often feel the same way, especially when stressed.

Ed

Dear anita,

are you okay with continuing this discussion? i just want to be sure about that, because i dont want you to feel pressured in any way to continue investing your time and thoughts if you feel like you said enough. i dont and cant pay you any more in return for your work than expressions about my honest appreciation.

,,so you believed that the bad part or parts of you caused another person to treat you accordingly, as in: bad treatment for bad Ed, justice served. Right?” – yes. me writing this was part of me saying what i learned, not something more for debate, because i think we did discuss this enough (?), at least for my part.

i cant really say when my ex started gaslighting, it was more like me feeling increasingly uneasy with things she said or how she behaved. the most common moments which felt wrong were mostly when i tried to talk to her about the state of the relationship, her and my feelings. after her behaviour towards me changed, i tried to talk to her about that for a long time. in the beginning she told me that she would be sorry, that she was ,,going to do better” (i am still confused about that wording) and that she wouldnt know why she grew increasingly distanced. after half a year later and things getting worse she told me that ,,things wouldnt be so bad” as i made them out to be, that she would be doing ,,so much” for me and that i wouldnt recognize all those things and that i would be wrong about my point of view.

she would also deny having said certain things in arguments or altering them slightly to make them sound less harsh. for example at one point, she admitted to let off steam by being mean or aggressive to me and when i later wanted to talk about that she pretended to be unsure about her having said that.

after reading again about the definition of gaslighting, i can add her telling people we both knew at the time how irresponsible i was concerning my mental health and that i would be getting worse. up to the point when 2 former friends approached me to tell me that i should end the relationship and when i asked my ex later what she told them about me, she denied ever telling them something. later another former friend told me that she did vent to him about me.

i have thought a lot about me having made a mistake concerning my feelings and perspective for a long time and i am afraid of me being wrong all along. then again she would behave like i used to know her when with friends or family and then suddenly change when she was with me alone.

gaslighting was pretty common with my parents. it would start with little lies about food me or my siblings bought for ourselves; when my parents ate it and told us that it was never there. promises my parents made but then denied ever making. accusations or hurtful things they said but then also denied ever saying.

still with gratitude,

Ed

Dear anita,

I still dont know what to say.

But i want to express my deepest gratitude for your undoubtedly hard work (i never thought you would invest hours of your time to make a post) and kind words.

Thank you so much.

I will take some time to try to really understand things, my head is spinning (in a weirdly good way).

With gratitude,

Ed

* sorry for my bad grammar and spelling these posts. Writing about this is freeing but stressful.

Thank you for asking about this.

I hope youre doing better after i triggered you.

Ed

*to make my wording clearer: after 6 months without knock-out days i was critised for having them.

Dear anita,

It is good to hear that i didnt hurt you. I was afraid that i did. Im glad that you are learning more about yourself and that it helps you healing.

This moment we had in our conversation showed me something too: i am desperate for a judgement about my past, in the sense that i am desperate to know if i did wrong and deserved what i experienced or if i am allowed to free myself and move on. I also learned that only i can decide that.

The situation i had with my last ex just woke up this life-long conflict in me and made my desperation real again after i thought that i had grown out of it.

Ed

Dear anita,

I will talk about myself and pause my questions.

Ed