Hi Anita,

Thank you so much, it made so much sense.

I am still at home, and I find it hard.

I feel like everything is my fault. And that somehow that I am unlovable. I am angry, and ashamed of being angry. I want to tell people how I feel and be completely honest but what good would that do? It’s hard being at home here. I have so many conflicting feelings. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be affected by this energy but I am. I grew up with a mum and dad that I’ve never seem kiss or hug. It was a very hostile environment and it always seemed like life was hard work. There was little joy. They talked to us (children) about each other and it was always only blame. It feels the same, still. There is so much passive aggression going on. My mum is in so much pain, which is horrible to see. She never speaks about her feelings, she complains about many things. Especially my dad and the lack of money. She thinks he doesn’t help enough, and she gives comments that are full of blame and aggression. It’s such a tense energy to be around. My dad is quite unaware that he has anything to do with it, he just thinks she is too sensitive.

It’s been like this for so many years so why do I still care? Why do I feel more awful than ever. I always felt it was my responsibility to make them happy. To solve their problems, to be a good buddhist. A good girl. Just take all the pain and swallow it because that’s what a good girl does. I can see how my mum just placed her happiness in others. And my dad did not take care of her happiness. He is aloof and emotionally disconnected. He hurt me a few times when I’ve been back. He mocked me for how I continually find myself in broken relationships, and how I am not as strong as I think. I feel bad for talking to my mum about it, because taking back the power or becoming empowered is something she has struggled with. It’s like they’ve not seen their own potential and then blame each other for it. I feel bad for writing this down here. I really want to protect them but I don’t have the energy. I do exactly the opposite to what I should be doing. A good buddhist should look at others good qualities and not their faults.

It’s hard to describe the energy, I wish I had the strength to focus on the good things instead if the bad. I feel run down and hopeless. I know it will change but I find it hard at the moment. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

My ex partner took contact with me over the phone. He was scared that I had already moved on. I think he was relieved when I said that I was still upset. I talked to him yesterday. He said the things that I’ve been waiting 4 years to hear. That he took accountability for his actions and how he had mistreated me. That he was really upset to have to let go of me because he really loved me and that I deserve much better. He said that he will change now because that’s what he does when he is alone and vulnerable. He makes it sound like he really wanted to be with me but that he has to let me go because I deserve better. After hanging up, I am left with so much anger and sadness and guilt. Why do I keep on doing this to myself? I long to speak to him and wish that he could just want to be with me. Why do I want to be with someone that treats me that way. I don’t know why he needed to talk to me. Just to let me know that he have understood everything but still thinks it’s best if we don’t continue seeing each other. He just kept on saying that I broke up with him, but I said that I didn’t have a choice. I really didn’t have a choice. He could change but only once we broke up. So he didn’t want to change with me. It makes me feel unloved, unlovable. It’s hard to talk to him when he kind because I miss him. That part of him. He said that he didn’t trust me, that once I realised my attachment to him that I would leave. That I was too attached to him, it wasn’t good for me. That I wouldn’t be able to deal with his life. That I am fee spirit and shouldn’t settle. He then said that he had a dream the other night about me moving on and meeting someone else and how hard that was for him. He always seemed so attached, and said that he wouldn’t miss me and now he is showing me quite the opposite.

I feel like I’ve been the manipulative person in the relationship, I so desperately wanted him to like me. I tried to meet his needs of needing space, being less dependant and emotional. I was jealous, that he wanted to be with someone else. And in reality he did have attraction for another in the house we were sharing, he e expressed it to her and I couldnt help but to become upset. And he blamed me for not being open minded. I started to look at his phone, because I didn’t trust him, and I regret that. He said that he didn’t watch porn as the same time as removing intimare and sex from our relationship. But he did, there was a period where he was doing it everyday and still I couldnt really ask about it as he would have said that I was beeing controlling and not as open minded as I once used to be. I thought I was overreacting, and I tortured myself of the pain of looking at his phone. Maybe I don’t deserve love because I am controlling.

Maybe it was my fault, maybe I’m the problem. I have very little energy, I don’t want to many things. I find it hard to sleep. I feel judged and ashamed. Broken and alone. Selfish.

I talked to an amazing woman online, dealing with covert emotional abuse. It really helped talking to her. After I spoke to her, I really felt that it wasn’t my fault. Doesn’t mean I don’t need to heal it’s just that the things I hold myself accountable for was not my fault. The day after I spoke to her I woke up happier than I’ve been in a long time. But slowly I go back to the pattern of feeling unlovade and at fault. There must be something wrong with me that my expartner doesn’t want me. It was free spritiness, my anxious attachment, my naiveness, my trusting heart, my lack of boundaries, I made him feel insecure that I someday would just leave him when I realise that I want something different.

He didn’t want to connect and work together. We broke up and then he realised everything. That breaks my heart. Because that’s what I asked for in the relationship. It’s like he wouldn’t do that for me, I feel abandonded. Again.

Thank you for reading and trying understand me. I hope I didn’t repeat myself to many times. I find it hard to be clear today with my words.

Thank you.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Elisa.

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for reaching out. And replying on my last message. Truly appreciate it.

The last sentence really made me think about things, how I deserve to be happy. Without feeling so down of so much shame.

And also how instead of protecting myself I want to protect him.

This last few weeks have been eye opening for me. Things seem to have falllen in to place.

I connected to my childhood wound, as early as I can remember. How terrible scared I was as I felt so alone. Carrying the responsibillity to heal my whole family. I went back there and connected to so much compassion and realised in order to never feel so lonely and scared every again I built defense mechanisms around me. To keep me stuck in a loop of not feeling good enough. I realised that out of my attachment I have stayed in relationships that was damaging in many ways. My mantra was, if only he could accept then I would be lovable. I was always focusing on the other person and if they could accept me. I felt like I let go of the attachment, and beneath that was only love. Love for myself. I reconnected to who I really am. I am lovable and I deserve to be loved. It was a beautiful experience that I have never felt before. This will be my reference point from now on.

It was also helpful to connect to the reality of the situation instead of the potential of the situation. I have endured a lot of abuse. And I found it so hard to walk away as I didn’t know if it was my fault or not, if only I could have changed. I uncovered that my belief of love is that it is about being used or abused. I guess this relationship didn’t seem so bad as the other ones.

I really wanted to be with him. I admire him and still find him beautiful. But when I look back over the relationship it’s been very hot and cold, and often I felt like I had very little to do with it. I guess I still have a sense of that I meant nothing to him and that this is easy for him. That he is much happier without me, whilst I need to grieve and go through the pain. It’s not what I want in a relationship and although we share the same faith, we didn’t seem to be getting along. He used to say that it was unconscious neediness that made him to be mean to me. I realised that he was blaming my wounding from childhood to justify his behaviour. I worked very hard of becoming more securely attached.

I just talked to him this evening. He says that he is going to move out. I still talk to him, and most of the time he acts quite cold. But just now he came in and gave me a hug and said that he is probably doing a mistake of letting me go. Sometimes I wonder that he just wants to run away, he is like a scared boy. Instead of becoming more conscious and open he is closing off. But I can’t change that I never will.

I am starting to see through his behaviour also, instead of viewing him on a pedastal, I notice that sometimes he hides behind  a mask. And instead of listening to the words he says I am feeling the energy behind it.

I know I still sound confused but I have grown so much. Sure I am still sad, broken and down. But something in me has re- awaken. I no longer need to be with people that directly and indirectly tell me that I am not good enough. I no longer need to take other peoples bad behaviour personal or like it’s my fault. I have the freedom to leave at any time as I don’t need the other person. I will and I can meet my own needs and start to appreciate and accept myself. It’s interesting how I have projected my needs outside myself to people that could never give me what I was looking for. It was hard being my partner, never knowing if he was going to like me or not, complain about me, make fun of me, giving me the silent treatment, contempt and never really owning his actions. I just tried to understand and understand until I realised that he is not my dad, and I don’t depend on him for my survival so I can let go. Perhaps I don’t need to be special to him. I can appreciate myself.

There’s only one thing in the back of my mind. That now when we have broken up, he will suddenly change and become the being that I wanted to be with. And that I have lost him. That creates sadness in me. It just came up this evening after speaking to him. He spoke about all his future plans and show very little emotion about the breakup. I guess I still like the idea of him, I like his qualities, and sometimes I wonder why it was so hard for him to be nice to me. But then again, I am focusing on him and not me. I need to take care of myself now and give myself the love that my inner child needs.

Thank you again.

Love

Elisa

I just wrote a long reply but it didn’t send properly so I will try to remember what I wrote!

A truly appreciate your insights.

I will share about my experience about my partner as I don’t think he suffers from a psychological condition. He was raised in a household with two alcoholics and a bullying older brother. His upbringing sounds more about survival than thriving. He then later started taking drugs and became somewhat addicted (at the weekends) and started taking steroids for his appearance. Then he found, in his mid 20s, Buddhism and it transformed his life. He has a healing relationship with his family now. His mum and dad are still together but I wouldn’t say their relationship is a loving or affectionate one. I think they struggle to understand each other. So he is been through a lot, and sometimes I wonder if he has adopted a shame personality, that comes out sometimes. It is almost like he fulfills his own prophecy by acting a certain way that induce shame. Saying “I don’t like the way I am with you”, sounds like he has no control over the way he is. He retreats back into a little child, and before anyone else hurts him he will hurt them. And he feels intense shame. He deals with things very differently from me. The other week whe I came from therapy, I explained that I was going through a few things but that I was ok. He started to explain how he didn’t think therapy works and that I am becoming more sad. He totally ignored me, and just went into a defensive mode about what I am doing is “wrong”. I felt intense shame. But realised that it wasn’t mine. Underneath I felt hurt. Only now do I realised how much shame I have been carrying around.

I would add that he fulfills the condtions of an avoidant attachment style. Perhaps he is trying to avoid looking a their own feelings and blame it on someone else. Only he would know that. When he speaks he sounds like he got everything together, that he understands a lot. Sometimes it doesn’t add up with reality. It sometimes feels that it knowledge not embodied.

A month ago, we shared a truly beautiful day, were I felt he was utterly vulnerable with me. We laid down out denses and shared what was on our hearts. He took full responsibillity over the way he has acted in this relationship and he managed to do so by seperating himself from the actions. I guess that’s when I realised that if I ever want to have relationship, I would like to have one were we don’t have to pretend and act from our defenses. Perhpas being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to heal, but maybe that only exists in fairytales. I have a feeling like I am always asking for too much. And perhaps that if only I change just a little bit more then he can become more vulnerable, it feels like it’s my responsibillity. If only I changed.

100% responsibillity is when one listens to the gut feeling, and trust it. And take the consequences that follows it. Living lightly and being authentic. And accepting were one is at the present moment, without shame or guilt. I have a vision of stepping into my own power. Whenever I wish to do so, the voice comes up, who do you think you are?

Fear, I think it’s coming from abandonment, rejection and not feeling special. I long for feeling special, I realised that my whole life I have worked for making others feel special, I have pleased everyone that I have met. I realised that it was an refelction of my need/ lack of feeling special. There is also guilt/ shame attached to it. How dare you? I chose a man that has two ex girlfriend and two children, that I rarely can come first. But he has spend a lot of time with me, he says he puts first (although of course he puts his children first). I don’t want to feel like I am taking their dads attention away from them, that would be horrific! I guess that I already feel abandoned in relationship sometimes.

I retreat to a little child, totally vulnerable and helpless. Being abandoned feels like someone took away your worth and that you are only a half person. Worthless and hopeless. That my happiness is taken away from me and now I can’t be happy anymore.

I contemplated this the other day, if these relationship fulfilled some form of addiction for me. As they are so up and down. Drama. When he comes towards me I feel ok and when he leaves I feel withrawal. It doesn’t seem to be good for my health.

Much love.

Thank you Anita from the depths of my heart. I felt your virtual hug. Such kindness in your words.

Of course, I don’t think I gave sufficient information at all and it must all sound quite unclear.

I contemplated a bit later after I wrote this and wondered that he wanted me to commit to spending my future with him but I thought it was such a decision to make when I had time after time, experienced that he didn’t want to be with me. He used to ignore me for days, and be angry and I would feel that I was a problem in his life, a burden. Although I have really started to see that it is an open wound in me that is beginning to heal (which is wonderful!) and that I am now able to put more boundaries than ever before. I felt in order to be good (to be loved) I would need to accept everything. I guess a part of me still feels that way, that I am somehow the issue why he can’t change. It’s beautiful how this relation has really made me see what’s in me that is still wounded. Perhaps I am worthy of love without bending myself out of shape. I that I can give that love for self before anyone else does it. He ignored me this weekend when he was with his little girl, and said that we can spend a nice day on Sunday together, but he I never heard from him until later. It reminded me of times when he made plans with me but they never followed through. I realised the other day that in my life, all I ever wanted to feel was special, but I have chosen partners that somhow made me feel less than special. I also have shame around wishing to feel special.

1. “it turned out that he had 2 children from two previous relationships”- is this something he hid from you, didn’t reveal to you.. has he been involved in his children lives/ financially supporting them?

He revealed it straight away to me. He is a kind and gentle man in many regards and try to be there for his children. He tries his best to support his children financially. One of them lives 4 hours away so he can only see him every other month. The other lives closer and he sees her 1-3 times a week. He is a good father, really tries to give, at least one of the child, a good supportive upbringing. He thinks that I, for the future, am not that kind of person that wants to settle down and be with his children. I am 33 years old so I am no longer a child, I have never known if I want children, I have mainly focused on my spiritual ways in life and find great fulfillment doing that. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I wanted to settle down with someone elses children either. He is determined never to have more children, although sometimes he has shared that he would like to with me ( I perceived that this time was when he was deeply in love). I totally respect that he doesn’t want more children but somehow I feel that I will need to once again accomodate him but that I can not share this with him. Perhaps I feel that if he was more open to the idea it would have been easier for me to make a decision.

2. “If I showed too much emotion, he would respond by ignoring me for a week”- can you give me an example or two of incidents when you showed too much emotion, (in what ways did you show too much emotion, ex., crying, yelling?), and in what ways did he ignore you for a week or so? How did it come about that connection was resumed?

So sometimes if I am overwhelmed I react by crying, I remember once that all in the same day, I lost my flat, I just finished a final end of year project for college, stopped taking birth control pills, and I just ended up crying that day. I think I regress back into a child sometimes and sends signals for him to take my pain away. He just retreats back and left me that night because he thought I was overreacting. We live in a commune together so usually he just stops talking to me and gives me the cold shoulder. We have different rooms so he just spends his time there. Don’t get me wrong, he has also grown and I have seen times when he has been with me. I guess I trigger something inside of him. I can understand this, but I don’t feel that sometimes he tries to understand me, I have experienced a lot of shame for my reaction, which is essentially my trauma. I’m slowly letting shame go now, understanding that it’s not mind. I try to feel the feelings which shame covers.

3.  moment he wanted to marry me and the next he thought I was the source of all his problems”- did he elaborate on his claim that you were the source of all his problems: what problems, how were you responsible for those? Did he make that claim soon after suggesting to marry you?

Yeah he says sometimes that we should either break up or get married. That he would change if we actually commited to one another. I guess that he has never said that directly, it was more was I was sensing. He has just said that he feels that I am too much of a responsibillity, that he feels that sometimes he has too much responsibillity, that I am just too much for him. I feel from my side, that I never really ask for anything. Perhpas just spending some time together. I guess he feels overwhelmed by life and just wants to hide away. When he is in that state he just wants to cut me out.

4. “One moment he was in love and then the other he was angry”- can you give an example or two of such incidents?

So that is span of a week. He would be very loving and I would feel that we were quite a strong couple. Sometimes he would even cook for me, wee signs that he wanted to cherish me and for me to be happy. Then the other half of the week he would suddenly become distant and I would barely be able to talk to him, and if I did (which I normally do) as I have a need to fix things, to ease the pain I’m feeling. It would end up with him saying something hurtful and I would be crying. If I leave him long enough he usually comes back saying sorry. Sometimes his sorry is insincere and sometimes it is from the heart.

5. “He said today that he wanted to break up with me because I’ve changed”- did he say in what ways he believed that you changed?

He says that I’ve changed since going to therapy, that I am starting to accept myself more. And of course, that makes me question this relationship and what I would like for the future. The other week he said that he thought that the therapy was a bad idea and now it’s a good idea. I guess that we all have different sides to us. I see his kind side and I fell in love with him. I guess I feel confused when he changes his mind. But I am slowly learning not to listen to him when he is in a triggered state.

6. “it strengthened my belief that it is something wrong with me”- can you elaborate on this belief you have, that there is something wrong with you: when did this belief originate and in what circumstance?

I never felt an emotional connection when I grew up. I never knew what do to with my emotions so I guess I learned to supress them. I never really felt seen and heard. My relation with my sister was not helpful, she used to be quite jealous and blame me for things that had nothing to do with me. I guess I internalised the feeling that you are not that important, as noone wants to see or hear you, I am in a real way. I kept on choosing the same path in intimate relations in my adulthood. I just thought this one would be a bit different as we are both practising spiritual teachings. And I still have strong sense that I should be able to make it work.

He came into my room last night after he broke up with me and wanted to share intimacy, I knew that I should have said no, but I don’t want to hurt him and a part of me still wants to be with him. It happened from a sense of compulsion. I wish I had the strength to just say no and perhaps just hugged him. He sounds so confused. He shared that one hand he wants to be with me and that his gutfeeling says yes. But also that he wants to be by himself.

It’s been the same patterns for 3 years. I guess I thought he would want to be with me by now.

I wished that I could have put more boundaries earlier and perhaps given the clear sign of what’s acceptable. Perhaps only then would he have changed. I can’t help to have a part of me that thinks it’s my fault and that I am the problem. That why can I not have the power to tell him what I am worth.

Thank you so much.

Thank you all three for your kind responses and they all make a lot of sense. So thank you the support shown.

For Nan, yes I have heard the term gaslightning – and I can honestly say that I have never been more confused in my whole life as
I have in this relationship. I do not have other relationships that bring me this amount of confusion. I have gone through all the excuses
in the world from ranging to that I do not trust people to it must have been something wrong with my childhood – so the problem always
lies on me.

When I explained for my boyfriend what I’ve read – he went hysteric and cried and cried and even trying to throw up several times. It ended up with me feeling sorry for him, although it felt wrong. He said that he was a victim and that he needed someone to talk to that would understand him. So he went to talk to his friends about it but only told them 1/10 of the story – of course they gave him the support he wanted and then he started to feel good again.

And to Inky, I absolutely understand your point. I would never do the same thing again and I would never have done it if I wasn’t feeling the way I was feeling at the time (which is no excuse). I just really tried to be honest with her and him. I asked if she liked him during this period and that I would be fine with that but then I said that we couldn’t continoue with this.

It just feels like it wasn’t the first time my friend acted like this. We had been friends for a very long time and throughout this time it’s been constant feelings of hurt from my behalf. She slept with a man I dated for a month. She was never around after my ex boyfriend broke up with me and her excuse was that I left her for him. She never included me in any of her plans although we stayed together. And for example if I wore a new dress she would always say that that dress would look so good on her because she has the right curves.

I am not trying to act like a victim here – it’s just that I am so confused that I do not know right from wrong.

I just felt very lonely during that period of my life.

It all ended over a year ago and he really just had contact with her about art work- I trust him that much. It was just during this period they were sending messages to each other. So it ended then. He was talking really bad about her and he seemed that he wanted the best for me. I do not think he ever wanted to be with her but that he liked the attention and admiration. She on the other hand got infatuated in him, which I completely understand as he is very charming.

It’s just that the most hurtful thing I read was when we were all at a festival and that I tried to talk to him and he refused to listen – an already hurt me just left and I stayed away for hours. We were there with other people as well. It just felt like I’ve had enough – I couldn’t take it anymore. And then what I read was that they both went and looked for me but that they had given up fast and gone back to the tent where he said that this was really hard and that me and her was opposites and that he loved her. Then they kissed and held hands and she gave him a massage.
I understand that my behaviour was immature but I couldn’t help it. When I came back I felt really bad, it felt like I was constantly the one that was sad, upset and boring. Deep down I think I just wanted him to care for me. To really care for me. Or even her.

I just got used to be ignored and treated in a certain way. I’ve had a abusive relationship before, and it was different from this one. At least he did not stalk me, forced me to have intercourse and so on. This was so different. But yet so much more confusing. So many times I have told me that I am destroyed from the last relationship and so has he, numerous times.

But I did feel there was something wrong – that he did not care – that she did not care. It’s just hard to understand that he was disgusted by her and the whole situation when he acted like he did. And if what I read is true.

Kind wishes,

Elisa