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Elise

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #365795
    Elise
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    wow, I’ve never really thought about it all like that. I wonder if the feelings I had back then erupted in me wanting to feel helpless/small in my later teenager years.

    I’ve received a little therapy regarding my OCD, and I started taking some anti-anxiety medication recently! One of the main things my therapist told me is I’m too judgmental of myself.

    elise

    #365777
    Elise
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes, I’ve been suffering from a great amount of anxiety since I was about 11, when all the intrusive thoughts started.

    i don’t really know if I felt like I deserved to be punished…I don’t really know how I felt.

    My mom’s dad was sometimes violent or kind of crazy towards my mom and her siblings. But for me, my parents spanked me and whatnot when I was young but as I got older it was just words.

    elise

    #365763
    Elise
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes, I suppose that is what I mean. For some reason I liked the idea of myself being “forced”, even though in real life I would never want that to happen.

    elise

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by Elise.
    #365761
    Elise
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I mean I felt guilty when I was a child but not now, I’m an adult and I can recognize I did nothing wrong

    #365756
    Elise
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My grandparents have often treated my mom unfairly compared to her siblings and did really crappy things, but of course as child I didn’t realize this or have any understanding really.

    Now that I’m older I can recognize that in these fights my mom was in the right, but the way that I felt during those times still hurts. Like when my parents refused to go to a show my class was putting on in elementary school because I’d already invited my grandparents and they didn’t want any drama to start there. Or when they weren’t talking because my grandparents had treated my little brother poorly, and so my grandma secretly came to my school (I was 9 at the time) and told me to email her and eat lunch with her sometimes and not tell my mom. Of course my mom eventually found out and was so upset she told she didn’t “like me right now”.

    I’ve been sitting with myself a lot lately and I think I’m starting to recognize why I read those sort of things a few times, why I felt the need to feel “small and helpless”, and I’m understanding it was just fiction, but it’s still hard for me to forgive myself.

    Elise

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by Elise.
    #365752
    Elise
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Ah okay, I understand! I agree I don’t think it’s a normal sexual exploration experience, and that’s part of why I feel so guilty.

    The instances that I felt like that…I think the first would have to be that my mom and grandparents used to have a lot of arguments and animosity towards eachother when I was young (8-11?). I was close to my grandma and so sometimes my mom would act suspicious of me “telling her things” or make me feel bad.

    Another instance is when at 13-14 I told my mom I was struggling with intrusive thoughts and she kind of didn’t take her seriously and blamed it on my “online friends” (I didn’t have many friends at that time and mainly chatted with other kids online).

    And a big one is when I was 15 and came out to my parents, and their reaction was very bad. A few days later I “took it back” so I didn’t have to deal with how they were treating me.

    All of these made me feel very out of control and frustrated.

    Elise

    #365747
    Elise
    Participant

    *childhood

    Sorry about the typo!

    #365746
    Elise
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for the response! I’d like to ask, in what way do you view it differently?

    I mean, as a child there we instanced were I felt small and helpless or not in control. But I figured it was normal to feel like that at times. I had a fairly good child, minus a few incidents.

    Elise

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)