Dear Anita

wow, I’ve never really thought about it all like that. I wonder if the feelings I had back then erupted in me wanting to feel helpless/small in my later teenager years.

I’ve received a little therapy regarding my OCD, and I started taking some anti-anxiety medication recently! One of the main things my therapist told me is I’m too judgmental of myself.

elise

Dear Anita

Yes, I suppose that is what I mean. For some reason I liked the idea of myself being “forced”, even though in real life I would never want that to happen.

elise

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Elise.

Dear Anita,

My grandparents have often treated my mom unfairly compared to her siblings and did really crappy things, but of course as child I didn’t realize this or have any understanding really.

Now that I’m older I can recognize that in these fights my mom was in the right, but the way that I felt during those times still hurts. Like when my parents refused to go to a show my class was putting on in elementary school because I’d already invited my grandparents and they didn’t want any drama to start there. Or when they weren’t talking because my grandparents had treated my little brother poorly, and so my grandma secretly came to my school (I was 9 at the time) and told me to email her and eat lunch with her sometimes and not tell my mom. Of course my mom eventually found out and was so upset she told she didn’t “like me right now”.

I’ve been sitting with myself a lot lately and I think I’m starting to recognize why I read those sort of things a few times, why I felt the need to feel “small and helpless”, and I’m understanding it was just fiction, but it’s still hard for me to forgive myself.

Elise

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Elise.

*childhood

Sorry about the typo!