Hi Anita and Mina,

Thank you both for your responses. There was only one time that he expressed that he was questioning his choices and that was around last Thanksgiving, so he really hasn’t done anything to show me he regrets his decision aside from questioning it then. I think part of me that continues to hold on just knows that I’ve known him so well in the past and I don’t think he’d be the one to initiate a conversation that he did regret what he is doing. He’s a very prideful person and I don’t think he’d initiate it. That said, I’m probably holding onto some kind of false hope and justifying my reasoning to not let go.

Again – I’ve come a long way from where I was, but with the finality of it all hanging over my head, it’s caused me to feel like I should take one last reach to know if this is done for good. But maybe it would only make things worse for me or knock me back – like you’ve both said, it seems like he’s already made his decision. Anyhow, I appreciate both of your input. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s really going to be practical for me to not see him unless I move. I started a job last December that I absolutely love and it would be a terrible career move to leave it…so I think I’m going to have to stay here for the foreseeable future. I’m going to have to learn to live with seeing him around and get used to it. I don’t want to forfeit all my interests, the places I like to visit, my friends, and everything else because I might come across him.

Again, I appreciate your input and I’m going to have to continue to work on myself. Maybe I can get through this without asking him that lingering question, we will see…

Thanks to all of you for responding. I really appreciate it. Anita – I was apologizing to you and anyone else who was put off by my knee jerk reactions to responses they may have left.

I didn’t have a particularly good weekend. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t very good. I decided to go out on a date with a guy I’d met. He was plenty nice and REALLY into me, which I suppose was flattering. That said, it’s impossible for me not to compare him (or anyone else) to my ex. I know I’m not really ready to date because I am still very much in love with my husband…but I’m so unbelievably lonely, I miss being with someone (I don’t mean physically necessarily, just in general). I don’t really know how to be alone, it’s been so long.

I know I need to worry about myself and take care of myself. I know that’s been a resounding theme coming from everyone – it’s not easy. At least it doesn’t come easily to me. I know part of it is that I just don’t have the motivation to do it and I still have it in my head that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’ve done this to myself and this is what I get. It’s like toxic waste seeping into my brain at all times…sometimes I can fight it, but most of the time I just let it win. I know I’m not in a healthy place mentally and I know that I’m not taking the steps I need to to get there…but knowing and doing are two wildly different things.

I know I shouldn’t wait for him, I know the chances of him coming back are slim to none, I know I’m not handling this well. All of this just compounds things because then I feel like I should be able to do better. I should be handling this better, I should be able to work on myself, I should look at this as an opportunity to better myself. I can think all those things and say all those things, but again…taking action seems impossible. I’m surprised I’ve made it this long, I just don’t know how long I can keep fighting for myself, it’s exhausting and for what?

Again, thank you all for being so supportive. I’m sorry that I’m so weak and for not always being kind.

Thanks for sharing, Brandy. I know other people are going through or have gone through the same thing I am. It’s such a shame, sounds like your friend may be better in the long run. Perhaps that will be me down the road, time will tell.

@Brandy,

You’re totally right in most everything  you said. My husband treated me incredibly well for a long time, that’s why I chose to marry him. That being said, once this relationship with his employee started (even their “friendship”), it’s like everything went out the window, I guess. He used to be incredible to me, I know that’s what I miss so  much about him. Not only the way he treated me, but just who he was as a person (or who I thought he was/who he used to be). To respond to your comments:

1. You’re totally right. I looked at it as him having a drink with a friend, nothing else. If I could go back and change it, I would. We’d all gone out and gotten drinks, hung out, etc. before…but I should have set boundaries and he should have respected me enough that I should have never had to ask him to do that. He should have just known that it wasn’t appropriate as a married man.

2. The way that he responded after all this was devastating to me. I pretty much knew he was going to leave me when that was how he responded. Supposedly, she freaked out when that happened and started saying she was going to move out of the country, blah blah blah and he decided to comfort her instead of me. It was incredibly disrespectful. I shouldn’t have called him,  you’re right. I should have locked him out of the house and forced him to think about what he did…but I didn’t.

3. I don’t know why I didn’t. I foolishly believed the both of them when they told me what they did. In hindsight, I would have handled everything differently than I did. It’s too late to change it all now, I regret it every second of every day.

I’m sure my judgement is getting blurred by my pain. I know that it is, but I don’t know what to do with it. I hurt all the time, every day. I regret not treating him better in our relationship/marriage, I regret the way I reacted when all of this began, I regret so many things. I know that he was/is in the wrong and he disrespected me to the deepest level he could, but I still love him and I miss him. I know I need to move on, I tell myself that all the time, but I just can’t. Maybe I’m weak, maybe I’m naive, I don’t know.

@Claudia,

I don’t know why I’m not angry. I mean, I am angry that this has happened. But to be honest, I get more angry at myself than anyone else. Well, and angry at this girl that I thought was my friend. I know I should be angry with him…I guess part of me thinks, if he was so unhappy, then I should let him go so that he can truly be happy. As much as he is wronged me, that’s what I want for him, I guess even if it’s at my expense.

I don’t know if he knows that I’m here waiting for him. He and I haven’t spoken in 2 1/2 months. I have no idea what he knows about what I’m feeling, doing, etc. That being said – he KNOWS me. So, I don’t know. I have cut him off completely. Though he claims that nothing happened between him and his employee until after he left me, I don’t believe that. We have mutual friends (men and women) that also think they had something going on before he left, as well. Of course, I have no hard evidence, but if I think it and everyone else does…there’s probably some truth to that.

I know that I’ve been mistreated. I just have a very hard time not feeling like maybe I deserved this. It’s hard to communicate what I’m feeling because it changes every minute, hour, day. Today’s not a particularly good day – which can probably be deduced by my tone in all this.

Anyway, I appreciate your insight. Hoping I can get through this, but sometimes I don’t know if I really care.

@Valora,

Yeah, I know you’re right. It’s a shame that he’s doing what he’s doing and I know in my head that I need to take this time to focus on myself…easier said than done, you know? I have some days I really feel like I’m doing well, keeping my mind off him, not trying to constantly make sense of things, and actually find joy in some of the activities/interactions I’m having. Then there are those bad days, those take a toll on me and tend to knock me back pretty far. Regardless, I know I’ve come a ways from where I was when this all started, but those hard days…they’re tough.

@Mark,

Thanks for clarifying, that makes a lot more sense. I guess I didn’t consider moving forward with things as forcing him to accept this as reality, too. I know I need to take that next step to get the ball rolling, it’s incredibly hard for me. As I mentioned above, in my head, it’s pretty clear most of the time, but my emotions through this certainly get the best or me more often than I’d like to admit and prevent me from taking the steps I need to be taking.

@Brandy,

Thanks for your response. It is tough and I’m trying to make sense of it all. I think trying to make sense of it is part of what is holding me back. I’m a relatively analytical person and I have a tendency to over analyze every situation…no matter what part of my life. I always want to be able to find a reason for why something happened and I need to remember that I can’t read someone else’s mind nor am I ever going to know more of what they’re thinking than they are. I still don’t think he’s a bad person, I think he’s bad at dealing with things when they get hard. That’s a huge flaw, don’t get me wrong, but I do think that if he puts the time in to deal with his problems, that he could be the person that I know him to be. That being said, he’s the only one who can make that decision. If I sit around and wait for him to do something he may or may not do – I’m wasting my life. Only time will tell what happens in the end of this all, I know that I’ll always love him in some way. I really, truly think he’s a good man, but one who doesn’t know how to deal with his problems and when the going gets tough, he runs or numbs or whatever to not deal with his internal issues.

@Anita,

You may be right. I do think he has a pretty good relationship with his parents – I’ve never felt that it was too strained for him. I’ve been close with his parents and his family for a long time, but we physically have seen them more since moving back east, of course. I do know that he has always talked to his parents with some kind of filter – to this day, I don’t think they know how deep of a hole he was in after his brother passed away. I do think he’s using his new girlfriend as a buffer, a way to distance himself from his past life. Whether that’s his family, himself, whatever – I do think that she’s a “getaway” of sorts for him. I think this experience has opened my eyes that he still has lot of growing up to do and I don’t think he wants to do that. I think he still has this wanderlust and desire to have some kind of impermanence. I do think all of the very permanent things that happened in his life (really our life) is what threw him for a loop. At the end of the day, I understand that no matter how much I psychoanalyze him, it’s not going to get me anywhere. As I mentioned above, it’s just incredibly hard for me to get my head and my heart on the same page to do what’s best for me. I like to think I’m making some progress, but going back to being my own biggest critic – I feel like I should be further along than I am…

@Anita,

Thanks for your insight and perhaps I used the wrong words. Up until this point he’s been incredibly loyal and trustworthy. I do think that he hasn’t been the best communicator, or perhaps we could  have discussed what he was feeling before it came to this. That being said (and maybe I’m in denial), but I don’t believe that this is who he is as a person. I don’t think that his actions of the past few months are his true character. I think he’s going through some kind of existential crisis – but then again, this is me making assumption after assumption about him. I can’t know what’s going on in his head. That being said, while a lot of marriages fall apart due to infidelity and actions that cannot be forgiven, I think assuming that there’s absolutely no way of coming back from this to be a bit short-sighted. Of course, that’s assuming that he has any interest in the future of working on our marriage.

Otherwise, I do think it could be beneficial for me to go back to therapy. I need to make time for it. As far as divorce proceedings go, it’s just incredibly hard to take that step. It’s so final. Financially, I’m not concerned. When I first met with the lawyer and spoke to her about what I should be paying, what’s I’m entitled to, etc – she helped me to understand what my rights are and what I can do within legal bounds. That was helpful, I’m just not sure I’m ready to make the leap with everything…which may not be right for me emotionally, but it’s what I feel.

@Valora,

Again, I’m sorry that you can relate on so many levels. It’s so hard…

I know I need to be easier on myself and I truly am trying, I’ve always been my own toughest critic. Thank you for saying what you said though, hearing it does at least make me feel a tad better. I’ve been told time and time again by people to work on myself and worry about myself – it’s just so much easier said then done. I’m trying to be healthy and make smart decisions, but sometimes it’s just easier not to.

How are you faring in your situation? How far out of it are you?

Valora,

It’s interesting that you say that. That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking is going on with him. It kills me to see him like this, but at the same time, he’s making his own choices and without any regard towards my feelings…which of course is incredibly hurtful. It’s just so bizarre, it’s like a switch flipped with him. He never communicated with me that anything was wrong with us (we had talked about him being stressed at work and wanting a break from work, etc) and then all of a sudden he is leaving me. I really do  hope he can figure things out. I do think a lot of it is his internal struggle, but I also feel like this is all somehow my fault. How did I not see this coming and I must have been a bad wife, a bad best friend to let it get to this…that’s where my mind keeps going.

I’m trying to find ways to work on myself. I’m doing slightly better than I was when this all started…I still get pulled into a really dark headspace more than I’d like to admit. I know there are other people out there, just wrapping my head around the fact that my future might not be with him is so difficult. We weren’t without our faults in our relationship, but we had a great life (especially prior to the business opening) and I know we could get back there. I just feel worthless…it was so seemingly easy for him to give up on me and throw me out like I was an insignificant part of his life. Sorry for the rambling, thanks for sharing some of your story. I’m sorry that  you’ve gone through something similar, I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy.