Sorry Mark and Anita it has taken me so long to respond. I think after feeling this way for so long it has become ingrained in my soul.
It was all a long time ago but your words of encouragement have helped a little. Perhaps by continuing to visit this site and learning more about meditation and self belief I will start to forgive myself.
Thanks for your help and the help you obviously give others
I think the reason I had the affair was because I wanted to feel attractive and wanted. My husband was the type who would say “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you”. Plus the other man was quite wealthy and powerful which I found attractive. The other man did take me to have the termination for which he paid. It was my decision. He wanted to leave his wife and marry me.
AThe termination was 25 years ago so there would be no record now. I imagine maybe a letter was posted with perhaps a receipt or follow up appointment. My husband may have been suspicious. I may have acted strangely in the state I was in. He did occasionally make an odd comment like “I know what’s going on” but I just brazened it out.
I was hoping that this site would be cathartic for me but I’m now feeling so much worse. Maybe there is no escape from this guilt
It would have been highly unlikely to be pregnant by my husband. Hence part of the reason for the affair
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