April 18, 2019 at 11:36 am #289601
I really need some help with this as I can’t carry on going through this self inflicted pain.
Years ago I was unfaithful to my husband and ended up pregnant to another man. As I was chicken and also didn’t want to hurt him more than I had, should he find out about the affair and/or pregnancy, I had an abortion.
I finished the affair, not immediately, and over a period of time my husband who was already in poor and became very ill and died. During his illness I began to love my husband more than ever and I did everything in my power to look after him and care for his every need. I told him hundreds of times a day how much I loved him but couldn’t bring myself to admit what I had done.
When he died I was sorting out his things after some period of time and found in his wallet all the details of the abortion written on a piece of paper! I have no idea how he got these details as I thought everything was confidential. Once he passed I would always have felt guilty but knowing he knew I can’t forgive myself for the pain he must have kept inside for years. I beg and plead every day for his forgiveness but obviously don’t know if he hears me.
He was the love of my life and I was an idiot and it cripples me every day and has done for the past 12 years.
I wasApril 18, 2019 at 11:51 am #289611
The notes you found in his wallet had details of your abortion, not of your affair. Maybe he didn’t know about your affair, only about the abortion?
anitaApril 19, 2019 at 1:20 am #289709
It would have been highly unlikely to be pregnant by my husband. Hence part of the reason for the affairApril 19, 2019 at 10:02 am #289777
“I told him hundreds of times a day how much I loved him but couldn’t bring myself to admit what I had done”- if I was you, in your situation at the time, following having an affair that ended, and intending to not resume that affair or start another, I would not try to tell my husband what I did, so not to hurt him. I would make sure that I don’t tell him. It would have been cruel to tell him.
I noticed in your two posts that you didn’t bring up the reasons you had an affair, didn’t try to deflect responsibility by stating things like you having been lonely at the time, or depressed and needing a pick up from outside your marriage. You stated the facts as they were and are. This in itself is an admirable quality of yours, as expressed here.
You found the details of your abortion in his wallet and you were surprised because you thought the details were confidential. Why not call the abortion clinic and find out more, maybe there is information available to you that will help you figure out what you want to understand now.
Your husband was ill (“already in poor”) when your affair started and he continued to be unwell during and after the affair. There was little to no sexual interactions between you and him (“It would have been highly unlikely to be pregnant by my husband”).
If at one point on during your affair he knew about it (and again, you may have information available to you in this regard if you look for it), and said nothing to you, there are a few possibilities:
– maybe it didn’t hurt him that much that you had the affair. If a person hurt a whole lot, usually they will say something, at one point or another, blurt it out. But he didn’t. Maybe his attention was on his physical pain and illness, not much on your affair.
– maybe, just maybe he was okay with it, figuring being ill he can’t give you what you need.
I imagine it did hurt him some though, but maybe it was not his main focus.
I wonder as I type, why he had your abortion details in his wallet and why he didn’t throw away those details. What was his motivation when he obtained those details. When you had your abortion, were you alone or was the man you had the affair with, was he there with you?
anitaApril 20, 2019 at 2:28 am #289895
Thanks for your reply.
I think the reason I had the affair was because I wanted to feel attractive and wanted. My husband was the type who would say “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you”. Plus the other man was quite wealthy and powerful which I found attractive. The other man did take me to have the termination for which he paid. It was my decision. He wanted to leave his wife and marry me.
AThe termination was 25 years ago so there would be no record now. I imagine maybe a letter was posted with perhaps a receipt or follow up appointment. My husband may have been suspicious. I may have acted strangely in the state I was in. He did occasionally make an odd comment like “I know what’s going on” but I just brazened it out.
I was hoping that this site would be cathartic for me but I’m now feeling so much worse. Maybe there is no escape from this guilt
EllydjApril 20, 2019 at 9:17 am #289927
I can empathize with you about this burden of got. I would think that after a while you can come to realize that the the past is the past. You cannot change it. Aren’t you tired of beating yourself up? Don’t you want to move on? There are meditations of self forgiveness. Start with that as a practice. Get out of yourself and go help others. Turn this guilt into something positive in helping the world.
MarkApril 20, 2019 at 10:30 am #289955
I didn’t realize the pregnancy was so long ago. So if I understand correctly, the abortion happened 25 years ago and 13 years later your husband died. Sometime after his death (how long ago?) you found the abortion notes in his wallet.
I suppose you felt guilty during the affair, then after the affair and most intensely since you found the notes, am I correct?
No wonder posting on this site didn’t make you feel better so far- the guilt has been intense for a long time. It will take time and maybe it will not make you feel better, I don’t know.
If you want to try, to give it more effort, share anything you want about your marriage and that affair, your husband’s illness, the experience. I will read attentively when I am back to the computer (it may be as long as 20 hours from now, maybe earlier) and reply.
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 10:48 am #290255
Sorry Mark and Anita it has taken me so long to respond. I think after feeling this way for so long it has become ingrained in my soul.
It was all a long time ago but your words of encouragement have helped a little. Perhaps by continuing to visit this site and learning more about meditation and self belief I will start to forgive myself.
Thanks for your help and the help you obviously give others
EllydjApril 23, 2019 at 12:32 pm #290263
No time requirements as far as I am concerned. You can post whenever you want and I will be glad to read from you whenever you post, and you are welcome.