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Lucy

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  • #53407
    Lucy
    Participant

    If I were you I’d go on another fun date to validate for sure that you want to get back together, and that the last date was not just a fun reunion date. At the end of the fun date let her know your thoughts, honestly, tell her she doesn’t need to give you an answer right away, that if she needs a few days to think on it, she can take those days. If she says yes, you two are going to need to sit down and really assess if the problems that existed in the previous relationship are gone. This may take a couple of hours, and you will want to do it somewhere quiet and private where you two can talk. If they aren’t, you two will inevitably fall apart for the same reason, guaranteed. At that point, if things look good, take it sloooow. If things don’t, gracefully bow out. Take a few days to collect yourself if you need to, but don’t contact her for awhile. Could be several months or a year or so, but only contact her when you WANT to be PLATONIC FRIENDS.

    Second chances are wonderful things, but they take lots of work. But if the second chance/attempt at reconcilliation doesn’t work, you have to let it go. Good luck

    Lucy

    #53250
    Lucy
    Participant

    The fact that we are taught that negative feelings are “bad”, and should thereby try try to avoid them by any means is not a healthy thing to be taught. The best thing you can do is learn that it is okay to have negative feelings, because everyone does at some point at another, and how to deal with them constructively and acting in a way to deal with them so that you can cope with them and prevent them from spreading. There are many ways to do this, as you recognize. Feeling gratitude for the good things in life is a good way to handle it. Thanks for sharing! It’s always inspiring to hear from others who may feel down, but rise above by being cognizant of the good things that they have going for them!

    #53078
    Lucy
    Participant

    Sigma Lambda Pi

    The greek letters of the first letter of every virtue your team embodies. When people ask about it, you can tell them what it means. 🙂

    #53009
    Lucy
    Participant

    Chad:

    Thank you once again for your insightful observations and suggestions. I really appreciate your thoughts on the nature of forgiveness and acceptance, because those are two keys to moving forward. I also think your suggestion for visualizing a future without him as a major player is spot on, because that visualization shows that life goes on even though he’s “gone”. There are many lessons to be learned from this experience, and I want to be able to take them with me so I can treat others well, and build new relationships, both romantic and platonic, that will be fulfilling; as well as live a happier life. I am hopeful that by taking your suggestions, things will get better in time. Thank you once again.

    Take care,
    Lucy

    #52987
    Lucy
    Participant

    Chad:

    Thank you for the kind and thoughtful reply. It is exactly what I need right now. It is true that I am very much at a crossroads for what I want: balancing my need to be wholly happy with myself, and wanting to be a part of a relationship with him. What I want most, though, is to know I have done right: by me, by him, and I feel that by not having given it my all at a time that I couldn’t, that I lost someone who was so special to me. But I did what I could at the time: thinking that if I gave him the chance to leave, he would recognize my understanding and acceptance, of the situation, and of him. And I hoped that he would come back, after realizing that the whole reason I let go was because it was broken, and we would need to start anew, if “we” wanted to be together.

    The reason my wanting him fluctuates is because he left me. What I miss most about the relationship was him, and being with him, being able to talk to him, and feeling like I had an equal who supported me for who I was and what my goals were, and that I had someone that I could support fully as well. That last part went by the wayside, obviously, with how I was treated during my law school trials. It gets harder by the day to see him as my equal, because he abandoned ship, and was no longer himself at the end. And since we’ve broken up, I’ve learned and realized some illuminating things that indicate that he was just taking the easy route to avoid his troubles, while at the same time treating others unkindly. His actions, I am sure, will come back to haunt him. But it’s so hard to reconcile loving someone fully and completely with the weight of rejection and the realizations that he was not able to be the person I thought he was.

    I feel like we were both trying to take from the relationship at the same time and were unable to fully lean on each other without collapsing under the weight of our own issues. Again, it feels very situational. A and B were no longer adding up to 100, but rather, 50, or some lower percentage. The bad situation keeps giving me pause. Even if he were to return tomorrow and admit his utter mistake, I would not take him back right away. He would need to prove that he is worthy of my love and respect, and though I want to give it, I just can’t without a lot of reflection on my part, and lots of affirmative behavior on his. I realize how unlikely this scenario is, but I am willing to forgive, because he still is a good man, deep down. In the mean time, I want to find inner strength to fully let go and be ready for whatever life throws at me, and I just feel so frustrated that I still get hung up on this because what we had was wonderful and I am grateful that I was able to have that relationship. I just want to be able to see my possibilities for the best life, fully, and not be lost.

    Any further thoughts would be most welcome.

    #52893
    Lucy
    Participant

    Hi: I feel we have very similar problems. When you say “Is it not more rewarding, fulfilling to make someone happy to give than just looking at your own belly button? Are you not feeling more powerful when you know that you can share? That someone relies on your actions?” I wonder if you have taken the opportunity to do some volunteer work or spend time in the presence of other people who love and support you, who can help you find meaning when you are having difficulty on your own. That may help.

    When you put a lot of energy into a relationship, it is easy to be sucked into their world, and forget the rest of the world exists. Rediscovering it can be daunting and scary, but also exciting because you haven’t seen it for quite some time on your own. This duplicity is what makes it difficult, you may be roaring and ready to go forth and find your purpose, but easily discouraged if you don’t get results right away, especially if you are seeking another person, or a vague ideal such as “happiness” or “purpose”. Little goals and little steps. Be content with simply being, and recognize the good days with the bad. You haven’t lost or fooled yourself, you’ve just found ways that haven’t worked. You don’t have to find your purpose right away, as long as you push yourself to try, and try different ways to feel better, you will be okay.

    Best wishes,
    Lucy

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Lucy.
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