I said no to the recruiter and she was very rude to me, saying I had embarrassed her.

That recruiter is obviously terribly unprofessional and bad at her job if she did that. People who are looking for jobs apply to more than one job at a time – that is just reality.

Its hard to think of it at the time when someone is being horrible to you – it throws you for a loop but try and remember next time that anyone who is being rude to you in a professional capacity to ask to speak to their manager.

Also how good a friend is the person who told you the whole office were talking about you? Are you sure they are not the kind of person who just likes causing trouble?

My final thought is that the only ‘power’ these people have over you is that which you allow them to have. Firstly it will only effect your performance if YOU allow it and why would you care what an unprofessional recruiter and her team of people, who have nothing better to do apparently than plan revenge on every person who doesn’t take a job through them, MIGHT think about you. Secondly, and don’t take this the wrong way, I doubt you are that important to them – maybe you were worth an afternoon of bitching (its not like that takes any effort) – but long term investment in their time and thought apace – unlikely.

Just focus on what you can control and that’s your life (how you do your work in your new job) and feelings (telling that little voice that thinks people are thinking about you a lot that while you know you are amazing and awesome and so people should be thinking about you all the time that most people are going to be too busy wrapped up in their own issues and lives to care THAT much about what you are doing)

🙂

Hi dfh

From reading a lot of posts on this forum I have formed the opinion that anita is a very wise insightful person to talk to. I think she has bought up some very pertinent points that would help you understand this situation

I just wanted to share something I found helped me in my relationships – you are very welcome to discard it as long as you have a think about it first 🙂

The concept is this – that every person you meet is the lead character in their own life and the rest of us our supporting characters in that show. We are also the lead character in our own lives and everyone else is our supporting characters. We can get frustrated when the supporting characters in our life don’t follow our script but thats because they aren’t here just to be in our lives they have their own show to get on with.

When ever you find yourself thinking so and so ‘should’ do this ‘should’ act like this or If they cared then they would do x thing then you are trying to force them to play a role in your show and not seeing them as people with their own story, their own path.

It also helps to try and imagine yourself outside of your leading role and your story and picture what ‘role’you are playing in their life – what kind of supporting character are you being in their story. Is it possible in your story you you are the person struggling through a tough time and being rejected when you ask for help but in your friends story being the character that puts a lot of emotional pressure on them to always be there for them? Are you the character who gives them emotional support and fun times as well as asking for support or are you just always there giving off ‘love me, fix me, be more than you can be or want to be’ type unspoken demands. I don’t know from your posts, only you can answer that question.

I’m not explaining this very well and hopefully I haven’t offended you, apologies if I have written this in a way or expressed myself in a way that does I didn’t mean to, but hopefully you will understand the concept and intent and can see if it helps you to look at the situation in a different way.

Offering support as you negotiate yourself and this sometimes frankly hard life

Eris x

Hi hurts

Think about it from this guys point of view. You let him have sex with you, you talk about wanting him to love you but you still ‘put out’, even if he doesn’t so why would he. Would you love someone if they had sex with you, kept clinging to you even if they treated you badly? Would you respect them?

Many people are capable of having sex with people they don’t even like – actually can’t stand to be around outside of bed. (I’m not saying this is you at all but it is the extreme of the same thing) They obviously aren’t going to say that to the other persons face but they figure well if they let me treat them badly and still come back for more then they must like it really. If she says she wants love but still has sex with me when I don’t give it to her she can’t really want love.

Anyway the guys above me are more insightful and probably helpful but I know what it is like to delude yourself in this way somewhat and have found looking at it from how it must seem to the other side can be useful.

hug

Eris

Hi Thinker

My mum didn’t want to have children. I was unplanned! My parents were married – my Mum just wasn’t particularly bothered about having kids. She was a great Mum.

Now I am an adult I see friends whose parents had kids to fulfil some part of their life and saw their kids as an extension of them selves, not letting them get their hair cut because they wished they had such beautiful hair or not letting them choose their own a-levels because they knew best. Those friends have issues because of it.

Mum didn’t come with any of that having kids to fulfil me/to be a continuation of me baggage which I think made her a better mother ( not perfect but pretty damn good). Now I am not saying all parents who want to have kids do it for their own selfish reasons at all or all people that wanting kids are like that just that not wanting kids doesn’t mean that you will be a bad parent or regret your decision.

I also remember some proper good rows between my parents but we (me and my sister) never felt threatened, we knew they loved us and each other,I guess it depends how you row. Parents can not row but still create a toxic atmosphere in their dealings with each other that is horrible to bring children in to as well.

If you are mean and disrespectful to each other whether you argue or don’t argue then that is a sign of a relationship that is not healthy.

Its the use of the word fight that is interesting to me as that does imply more of a no holds barred/attacking/hurt the other person because they hurt you kind of argument that is not good for anyone! However that could be cultural thing.

Eris