Dear hurts:

You asked what makes you so driven to him? I think it is your need to be loved that drives you to him, only what you are getting is sex, not love.

When you have sex with him… you feel wanted by him, don’t you? Being wanted … for any reason, feels like love. When he has sex with you, he touches you. Being touched nicely feels like love. When he calls you so to have sex with you, you know he wants to be with you. That feels like love.

So I am not surprised you are drawn to him, drawn to him as a source of love. And in absence of a man/ a person who truly loves you, you are drawn to what feels closest to love.

Am I correct? Please do post more… more about what love would mean to you, how you would know you are loved?

anita

I agree with Eris. And, mentally, men tend to separate love and sex to a much greater degree than woman…to the point of complete separation at times. So, if you’re thinking having sex with this man will eventually, somehow, lead to aromantic love relationship with him you are likely going to be disappointed time and time again. It’s also very likely nothing to do with YOU specifically. He’s in a place in his life where he’s not available emotionally anyway. Especially if he’s threatened you that he’ll have sex with other women if you say no.

My advice is to, no matter how much it hurts, cut off all contact with him. Work on figuring out what YOU want in a relationship. Picture it in your mind without attaching it to a specific man. Then, focus on other things and go out and have fun (not sex) with a few guys. You’ll be surprised at how much that will attract the right people to you.

I hope that helps a little. It’s just lessons from my personal experience.

Dear Hurts,

It seems like this guy can’t respect you enough to see you as a person with feelings and interests outside the bedroom. When the going gets tough, and it will, will he be there for anything but make-up sex? I’ll lay odds that, if you’re truthful, the answer is no. He’ll be miles away. Kick him to the curb. There are too many other people in the world that are worthwhile. Don’t settle, get what you really want.

Phil

Dear hurts:

My thoughts about Love, Respect and Hurt (your user name: “hurt”):

Love, true love respects the loved one. True love doesn’t hurt.

When I, when you, when anyone submits to another, that is let another do with you as he wishes while you don’t want it done, you submit, surrender, give him the message: “I am not important. You are important. Do with me as you wish!”

When he does with you as he wishes although you don’t want it done, he says: “I am important. you are not important. I will do with you as I wish!”

In case of voluntary submission, as in your case, as used to be in my case, as is in many people’s cases, lives… this is a behavior resulting from both parties agreeing that one is important and the other is not.

You cared for this man then long before sexual contact. It seems to me that he is all excited about sex, maybe with any woman, maybe with any woman or person he finds attractive enough. He is just excited about sex and that is most or all of what he sees. This is his excitement, his playground. That is all he cares about presently. Maybe it will change, maybe he will care about you or another woman in his future. Being his playground, for the day, or the evening, is not going to speed up his potential ability to love and respect you.

What you can do to maximize his potential to love you is to NOT submit to him, no sexual contact whatsoever.

anita

Whenever I give advice like this everyone else hates it LOL!

You can chat and talk with him… but seldom… and brief. If he goes back to “bad” behavior, cut him off. If he treats you like a queen (or a human being in this case), reward him with more contact and longer contact.

Basically through all his years on this planet he’s somehow learned that you can and should treat women this way. Now he’s got to learn a new lesson. We are taught how to treat people, and how to behave. Heck, we’re even taught how and what to think! Even if you’re the only one who makes him treat you with dignity and respect (by you not sleeping with him in this case) you will have planted a seed in his mind. That this woman is different. That this relationship/respect thing could be the way to be.

Maybe one day when he’s grown up emotionally you will see each other again.

Dear hurts:

You are focused on this man and have been focused on him for a long time, waiting for him to find out that he loves you, waiting for him to love you. You wrote in the last post above that “he is too deep in the mud”- maybe, you are deep in the mud with him, waiting for him to dig himself out of the mud.

But your way, way better chance to get out of the mud, out of depressed feelings and unhappiness, is to dig your own way out of the mud. Stop waiting for him to do his digging (he likes it where he is, why would he dig? It is YOU who doesn’t like the mud, so your only chance, really, is to dig your own way).

If you agree with me so far (and please do let me know), how do you dig your way out?

By changing your focus from him to YOU.

And if you agree with this too, would you like to share about you and your life outside this man?

anita