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Lisa

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  • in reply to: Conflicted emotions, what should I do? #38769
    Lisa
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    Oh boy do I know this scenario! I’ve found myself in it before and it is so tough, especially at the stage you are right now in terms of timing. Believe it or not, the easiest thing to do is also going to be the hardest. Here’s my humble opinion: You are worth more than this suffering that you are experiencing and re-experiencing. What that means is, you deserve a guy who is unattached, whole and who is comfortable enough to be honest with you and all who are around him. It seems to me that your self-esteem, sense of self-worth is low right now and you are hoping for his attention, which will give you a temporary high (and a very good one at that!), but it is temporary. Building your own self worth and having a knowing about what you need from a partner will ultimately bring you joy, happiness, contentment and the right person. When that happens, you’ll already be walking around feeling great. Then when you get attention, affection, and caring from someone it will be the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. So, I think it is best to completely distance yourself from this scenario, get some professional help (therapist), and begin to use the tools available to you to build a deep sense of wholeness with or without a partner. The sooner you employ this distancing, the sooner you can begin to heal. And, please take solace in the fact that many men can find someone attractive, kiss, etc., and walk away without feeling attached (which feels like love to us women often times). Most of us ladies are not wired that way. It is not our fault. Evolution has taught us that if we want to fulfill our deep rooted instinct to find mates and have children (even though you may not be thinking this way, it is rooted deep down in us) that we must adjust ourselves in any way we think potential mates might find attractive, which means fussing over our hair, make up, clothing, even personalities. But, it is only the relationships that are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and real compassion that have any lasting power. Building self-esteem is not about constructing a wall around yourself to keep closeness away, it is not to be used a protective mechanism. It is a necessary and wonderful feeling to know exactly who you are, what you want, and what you deserve, so that if the day comes when you are in a relationship and the other person causes you pain or even ends it, you will feel pain, confusion, tears, etc., but you will not be devastated or empty, because he is/was only the icing on the cake. Now, in order to get him out of your mind, you have to replace that thought every time it comes up with something else–anything will do. Or go and do something that will distract you. I like to go down to the stream and throw rocks in the water. Each rock represents something I’m letting go of. Whatever works for you. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS and you will be better for it! Yours in harmony, LS

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