dear Anita

thank you for sharing these infos

i remember when i was a teenage and we were outside shopping , i chose stuff that i thought my mom would like not something i would constantly and i pretended i liked . i was scared my mom disprove it.

i was the golden child because i chose what my parents wanted to me to study , i dont say i dont like it because i do , i m a health care provider and i like interacting with people , but that was basically what my parents wanted me to do , i originally wanted to pursue art and i tried it , i was accepted in uni and i studied for a while but i realized i dont like it as a job but more as a hobby . and ultimately i changed my major to pursue my current job , my dad loved it and he was always bragging about me and how i can speak in several languages and im so and so , obviously i found it endearing but i knew his obssession over me was too much , he was very controlling over his children specially me , sometimes he was competing with me , sometimes impressing me , i knew that was unusual but i thought it was because i was his baby child , i lost my mom and he felt more responsible from me , i think my theory is not 100% wrong , he was worried about my well being and he wanted me to succeed in life but his intentions were very selfish too , he didnt tell me when he was getting married , he didnt want me socialize with people and he was disgusted whenever a man wanted to get close to me , and im sure he didnt want me to get married .i felt so free when he passed , not at the beginning at least now that im living in different place , i feel more free .

farnaz

dear Anita

thank you i`m gonna google it , but if read the book could you tell me how that can affect my romantic life ?

far

dear Anita

about your first question ?i mean i believed my dad was living in reality in general sense , i think we all meet people who are living in a fantasy world , people are 100% bad  or perfect , stuff magically happened without any preparation  in their world , they say stuff without actually knowing about it or judging a situation and presuming the reason behind it and be close minded about it . my mom and also my siblings specially my brother have these mindset as i said before , they believed there is only one good way to do something or one thing will definitely leads to something else , for example being educated equal to being happy or have a good life without worrying about money , well this example may applied in old days but the world we are living is not predictable. everything would change , my dad was ok with it and he lived in more peace , he knew somehow he should change instead of trying to force everything and everybody else to change, this made him happier in his life comparing with my mom and he wasnt as angry as her , i know i cant blame this mindset of my mom for all her misery , but that didn`t help her in anyway.

regarding him lie harder , i remember a situation which is still uncomfortable for me , when he got married , his wife gradually showed her true colors , she wasnt a wife material at all , she was and still is very competitive to me , she tried to cut me from my dad completely .once i was home  in summer break my dad and i was arguing over her behavior and he said very angrily that if you were a good daughter , he wouldnt get married , she was there too . it was obvious to me that he wasn`t really happy with his marriage not from that incident alone  but from another clues , once when we were alone i almost begged him to tell me the truth about his marriage , that was foolish i know  but i needed his approval that her behavior is not fair , but he was adamant that his wife is so perfect , the harder i tried he tried to complemented her and tell me she was way better that my mom , because he know that would upset me .

i just wanted to add my brother also took my stepmoms side in the past . now that she is always asking money from him and bothering him in one way or other , my brother doesnt even tell me (i know it from a relative) because he doesn`t want to give me the satisfaction of  his acknowledgement that i was right about her and i knew her much better than he did.

farnaz

dear Anita

yes , especially the first one is challenging , i`m gonna answer tomorrow

the second one too , lol

do i believe they thought they were good people ?YES , I believe they did . i think it is one thing to not feel good about yourself , but in relation to others , they felt they were kind and nice to others , im not sure about the reason but sometimes people tend to be selfish in very obvious way or some people actively plot against others while smiling in their faces , my parents didnt do anything like it , although they weren`t nice to their children they were decent people in general , ethically . i remembered choosing NICE in that context , but i know people who were too faced and pretended to be nice for a long time that they believed it after a while also people who are not nice but believe other people should be nice to them .

reads like he rejected the truth because it was inconvenient truth, for him. Whatever was inconvenient for him to admit at any one time- he rejected EXACTLY

you mean that you accepted (for a while) men who blatantly lied to you yes and not only lying but being indifferent and not actually liking me   , you know NICE guys who believed they are god gift to women , and i should do whatever takes to impress them and they are just better than me by merely existing , my parents were like that specially my mom , she thought she deserved respect without doing anything OR maybe she thought she is providing for us so thats more than enough , she thought we were her hostage and we dont have anywhere to go so what`s the point of trying to make us love her in normal mother children way

guys i met specially the last one , who should win the prize for biggest ahole of all the time , werent providing , they werent even contacting me unless it was convenient for them , i dont know what was their deal ?LOL , in my language there is a idiom: first  you have to prove that you are the child or brother if you want inheritance , these men came and they wanted to claim everything without proving anything . i didnt benefit from them only they did for a while, then why i should try to make it work ?i find out these kind of pattern of behavior early on  and i don`t invest emotionally  these days but it was so disappointing in past until i realized this is not personal , and this is the kind of people they are and they do it with everybody who let them , as i did for a while .

i`m gonna answer your first 2 questions tomorrow  Anita, have a good day

Farnaz

dear Anita , thank you for your note

farnaz

dear Anita

I think that you think of your mother as a high hanging fruit (educated, hard-working & motivated, professionally & financially successful), maybe in the past when i just lost her , but now , not really . i told you about her achievements and in my mind there is a contrast about in her career and family life , and i believed she could control her profession much better , she was smart in that area and developed good skills during years , it was not hard to manage for her  but in her personal life , she was weak , didnt develop emotional and social skills to manage her emotions and was too closeminded to change ,i dont idolize her anymore actually im older than that i could idolize anyone , i actually i admire my dad more because he was living in reality and he didnt expect me to be perfect and he was generally more peaceful with his life , was he perfect or even close to it , no way .

i used low hanging fruits about people i chose to keep in my life . i couldn’t choose my family but my friends , i could do better

did you CHOOSE (above quote) to be with low hanging fruit: did you notice that a particular man, let’s say, is uneducated and professionally unsuccessful, and that awakened a motivation in you to reach out to him and you proceeded to try to get his attention , i actually choose people who were successful apparently but were living a sad, little  life, i found out later OR people who were obviously not relationship material and i thought i could change them . in one sentence i chose people because of their superficial traits and i was never considered there should be some depth in relationship , they should be able to be trustworthy , affectionate and have a positive aproach towards life , they also care only about the appearance

far

dear Anita

thank you , you too

F

Dear Anita

yes , it does make sense , i believe my mom and most likely yours too , were afraid that if we socialize with more successful people or people in general we gonna abandon them and it was scarier than intimidation for them  if im isolated it is more likely to be dependent to someone and gonna ignore their flaws and most likely to idolize them as i remember you told about the experience you had with your mom in front of your friend. she wasnt happy about you having friends . successful people can easily recognize unsuccessful people , i mean usually 2 people who are not particularly doing good in their life cant say or realize the another one is not doing well , they cant even realize about themselves .

i remember all these LOSERS beside my mom , wanted me to be isolated , it was the ultimate goal

i`m struggling to describe my point of view in second language here , i hope you understand what i mean

To separate and isolate a highly social individual animal, such as a human, is the same as breaking him or her. thats true but i dont feel comfortable about it , that`s not a life sentence , is it?and did you have the same experience with people too , i mean your surrounding in general , do you feel intimidated like me ?

Farnaz