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being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 246 total)
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  • #410966
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    yes , especially the first one is challenging , i`m gonna answer tomorrow

    the second one too , lol

    do i believe they thought they were good people ?YES , I believe they did . i think it is one thing to not feel good about yourself , but in relation to others , they felt they were kind and nice to others , im not sure about the reason but sometimes people tend to be selfish in very obvious way or some people actively plot against others while smiling in their faces , my parents didnt do anything like it , although they weren`t nice to their children they were decent people in general , ethically . i remembered choosing NICE in that context , but i know people who were too faced and pretended to be nice for a long time that they believed it after a while also people who are not nice but believe other people should be nice to them .

    reads like he rejected the truth because it was inconvenient truth, for him. Whatever was inconvenient for him to admit at any one time- he rejected EXACTLY

    you mean that you accepted (for a while) men who blatantly lied to you yes and not only lying but being indifferent and not actually liking me   , you know NICE guys who believed they are god gift to women , and i should do whatever takes to impress them and they are just better than me by merely existing , my parents were like that specially my mom , she thought she deserved respect without doing anything OR maybe she thought she is providing for us so thats more than enough , she thought we were her hostage and we dont have anywhere to go so what`s the point of trying to make us love her in normal mother children way

    guys i met specially the last one , who should win the prize for biggest ahole of all the time , werent providing , they werent even contacting me unless it was convenient for them , i dont know what was their deal ?LOL , in my language there is a idiom: first  you have to prove that you are the child or brother if you want inheritance , these men came and they wanted to claim everything without proving anything . i didnt benefit from them only they did for a while, then why i should try to make it work ?i find out these kind of pattern of behavior early on  and i don`t invest emotionally  these days but it was so disappointing in past until i realized this is not personal , and this is the kind of people they are and they do it with everybody who let them , as i did for a while .

    i`m gonna answer your first 2 questions tomorrow  Anita, have a good day

    Farnaz

    #410969
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    I appreciate you taking your time and I will do the same and read & reply further Wed morning. Have a good night!

    anita

    #410978
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear anita

    thank you

    i`m gonna answer you at the end of the day

    far

    #411010
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    about your first question ?i mean i believed my dad was living in reality in general sense , i think we all meet people who are living in a fantasy world , people are 100% bad  or perfect , stuff magically happened without any preparation  in their world , they say stuff without actually knowing about it or judging a situation and presuming the reason behind it and be close minded about it . my mom and also my siblings specially my brother have these mindset as i said before , they believed there is only one good way to do something or one thing will definitely leads to something else , for example being educated equal to being happy or have a good life without worrying about money , well this example may applied in old days but the world we are living is not predictable. everything would change , my dad was ok with it and he lived in more peace , he knew somehow he should change instead of trying to force everything and everybody else to change, this made him happier in his life comparing with my mom and he wasnt as angry as her , i know i cant blame this mindset of my mom for all her misery , but that didn`t help her in anyway.

    regarding him lie harder , i remember a situation which is still uncomfortable for me , when he got married , his wife gradually showed her true colors , she wasnt a wife material at all , she was and still is very competitive to me , she tried to cut me from my dad completely .once i was home  in summer break my dad and i was arguing over her behavior and he said very angrily that if you were a good daughter , he wouldnt get married , she was there too . it was obvious to me that he wasn`t really happy with his marriage not from that incident alone  but from another clues , once when we were alone i almost begged him to tell me the truth about his marriage , that was foolish i know  but i needed his approval that her behavior is not fair , but he was adamant that his wife is so perfect , the harder i tried he tried to complemented her and tell me she was way better that my mom , because he know that would upset me .

    i just wanted to add my brother also took my stepmoms side in the past . now that she is always asking money from him and bothering him in one way or other , my brother doesnt even tell me (i know it from a relative) because he doesn`t want to give me the satisfaction of  his acknowledgement that i was right about her and i knew her much better than he did.

    farnaz

    #411011
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    Although they weren’t nice to their children they were decent people in general, ethically“- good thing for the other people, the people in general.

    Once I was home in summer break, my dad and I were arguing over her behavior, and he said very angrily..  if (I) was a good daughter, he wouldn’t get married…it was obvious to me that he wasn’t really happy with his marriage… Once when we were alone, I almost begged him to tell me the truth about his marriage…  but he was adamant that his wife is so perfect“-

    – reads like the relationship between you and your father- after your mother’s death, if not before- was somewhat emotionally incestuous.  Are you familiar with the term emotional incest aka covert incest?

    anita

    #411012
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    i`ve never heard of it ,but i guess my father seeing me as his wife emotionally ?

    #411013
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    Yes, saying that if you were a better daughter, he wouldn’t have married a wife.. is comparing a daughter to a wife: that sounds like emotional incest on his part. You can google emotional incest (there is a book about it as well) and see if any of it fits your story…?

    If there is something to it, I figure that your negative experience with men as an adult, in the romantic context, is significantly affected by this.

    anita

    #411014
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    thank you i`m gonna google it , but if read the book could you tell me how that can affect my romantic life ?

    far

     

    #411015
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    I didn’t read the book but I came across the title when I googled it today (and earlier). I suffered from emotional incest myself, coming from my mother (it’s not gender specific). As far as how it could have affected your romantic life: could be that you’d feel that partnering with a man would mean betraying your father… could be that you kept replaying the dynamic with your father in the romantic context.

    anita

    #411035
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    thank you for introducing me the topic , i googled it a little last night before sleep and based on what i read so far apparently i had this kind of relationship with both parents of mine . i gonna read a little more today .

    i remember my dad got very upset when a guy tried to get closer to me

    farnaz

     

     

    #411056
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    You are welcome. According to the list provided by  Healthline/ emotional incest, I suffered from all the “possible outcomes of childhood emotional incest“, including: (1) difficulty individuating/ establishing a sense of self and setting boundaries with others, (2) trouble establishing lasting, healthy friendships and adult romantic relationships, resulting in loneliness and isolation, (3) perfectionistic tendencies and a sense of superiority, (4) feelings of guilt, shame, and a low self-esteem; depression, anxiety and personality disorders.

    In the book I mentioned, titled Silently Seduced, it reads: “the covert victim feels idealized and privileged. Yet underneath the thin mask of feeling special and privileged rests the same trauma of the overt victim: rage, anger, shame and guilt”-

    – I remember my mother telling me how special and superior (to peers), how most intelligent and pretty and meant-for-great-things I was, on one hand,  and telling me that I was “a big zero” during long raging and shaming sessions, on the other hand.

    More from the book: “The boundary between caring and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those of the child…. a disregard for personal boundaries. The child becomes an object“- I very much felt like an object in her hands, literally. My very existence- my body- was her property, hers to do with it whatever she wanted. She was The Person, I was object.

    Over time, the child becomes preoccupied with the parent’s needs… The child’s core needs are rejected, not served. The child feels like an object, not a person“,  “There’s nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of a parent rather than the child“.

    As long as the abuse or neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within, we re-recreate our family in adult relationships”, “Assigning responsibility where it rightfully belongs is the first crucial step in gaining access to one’s true feelings, needs, and wants”, “Even as adults, we do not gain freedom of choice until we see the past clearly and experience our feelings about it“.

    anita

     

    #411062
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    thank you for sharing these infos

    i remember when i was a teenage and we were outside shopping , i chose stuff that i thought my mom would like not something i would constantly and i pretended i liked . i was scared my mom disprove it.

    i was the golden child because i chose what my parents wanted to me to study , i dont say i dont like it because i do , i m a health care provider and i like interacting with people , but that was basically what my parents wanted me to do , i originally wanted to pursue art and i tried it , i was accepted in uni and i studied for a while but i realized i dont like it as a job but more as a hobby . and ultimately i changed my major to pursue my current job , my dad loved it and he was always bragging about me and how i can speak in several languages and im so and so , obviously i found it endearing but i knew his obssession over me was too much , he was very controlling over his children specially me , sometimes he was competing with me , sometimes impressing me , i knew that was unusual but i thought it was because i was his baby child , i lost my mom and he felt more responsible from me , i think my theory is not 100% wrong , he was worried about my well being and he wanted me to succeed in life but his intentions were very selfish too , he didnt tell me when he was getting married , he didnt want me socialize with people and he was disgusted whenever a man wanted to get close to me , and im sure he didnt want me to get married .i felt so free when he passed , not at the beginning at least now that im living in different place , i feel more free .

    farnaz

    #411064
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    You are welcome. He wanted you all to himself, didn’t he? He didn’t want to tell you that he was getting married because… it was an inconvenient truth that he didn’t want to admit to, or to share with you: he didn’t want to tell you that he chose a wife, in fear that you will follow suit and choose a husband?

    anita

    #411068
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear anita

    yes , to all the your questions? and he was comparing me to his wife , yikessss .

    im assuming that your mother was similar , wasnt she?

    far

    #411069
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    I’m assuming that your mother was similar, wasn’t she?“- I hope she wasn’t similar to your father in this regard: I was 20 something, was on a date, his name was Benny. I returned home late, she waited for me, sitting in the dark waiting, and she said a lot of things, I remember so little of what she said (at that time and at so many other times), but I remember this, she said, paraphrased: I know why you are with him, because he has a (a vulgar way to say penis) and I don’t!

    I never shared this here. And in my mind, you will not want to talk to me anymore because of these words… the sentiment.. from a mother, it is too vulgar, too wrong. I never brought it up to her, never asked her about these words. I don’t quite understand.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 246 total)

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