Thank you Anita for your always genuine amazing advice. I definitely agree with you that I have to learn that I’m never going to be “safe”, it is something I struggle with having anxiety and all. I want to ask you how you feel about this situation.

So the other day my boyfriend and I were talking about how or phones had gotten stolen multiple times in our life. I told him oh remember when yours got stolen that night at college (while we were broken up that time with the girl) and he goes my phone never got stolen? Just my wallet and my keys that night. He went to sleep. I panicked and panicked omg why did he lie WHERE was he, WHO was he with, if he had his phone…. he could’ve been anywhere. At the time we shared locations and his was off because his phone was off. The thing is I remember at this time that he sent me a police report stating how they had found an iPhone wallet and keys, so I knew he must have forgot. But then it went to…. HE said HE slept at home, but how if he didn’t have his keys? Panicked. I woke him up at 6am saying I’m sorry but are you sure you slept at home if you didn’t have your keys and he’s like idk I probably slept on the couch that was so long ago and I was so drunk that night I don’t know. Then… 5 minutes later he goes ACTUALLY I slept outside of Starbucks on campus I didn’t want to tell you because it’s so embarrassing and I didn’t want you telling anyone.

I know this makes sense because his belongings were found on campus and he said he lost it walking super drunk and he got frustrated because he didn’t know where he was and he just sat down and fell asleep.

But I’m just so annoyed that I didn’t know this before… I know I’ve asked about that night before maybe not in a really really long time but I definitely did. Do you think he has like a lying issue??? Is this even something serious??? Why do I feel like I have the need to know everything about my boyfriend. Like if I don’t know something it’s considered hiding. Like at the time we weren’t together it was so stupid and irrelevant with everything else’s going on I’m sure he didn’t care about it but why does it bother me so much that he kept this from me…

Anita,

I wanted to come and write to you because I have been in therapy for 3 weeks now. I think the first 3 sessions the therapist is just trying to get to know me, my anxieties, my thoughts, my obsessions, etc. Last week (and the first week) I talked to her about my previous ocd obsessions as a child (the ones caused by the movie, the ones about me being afraid of older men etc). Today I broke the news to her about the animal incident. She didn’t seemed phased by it and she actually made me feel very comfortable about it and really enlightened me on how this is something I really shouldn’t be driving myself crazy over. But this is where it got me (and she said we will talk next time on it, but I don’t know if i can wait a whole week without understanding a little bit more of it and I was wondering if you had any insight because I cannot figure it out myself).

She said there is a reason that I am letting these two things bother me. A deeper issue. She also mentioned how both of these have to do with sexuality and that maybe something is wrong there, maybe there is a deeper understanding. THAT is where I freaked out. I kept thinking to myself the past 2 hours, what is wrong with me sexually? Am I not interested in men… and it went from there and now I am semi-panicking. I even asked her omg is that what you mean, and she said noo not at all. But I can’t seem to stop thinking WHAT she means by that. I know both obsessions have to do with sexual things, but do you think there is a connection between them…. I am so confused and I hate that we ran out of time in the middle of that conversation. I am going out of town this weekend and I want to enjoy my weekend and not be thinking about what sexuality problems I might have… I told her I am very comfortable with my sexuality and it is something I have never struggled with. I have a great intimacy life with my boyfriend.

Can you maybe just help me understand what she might have meant by that? It would mean the world if I can get a knowledgable persons opinion on her choice of words.

thank you always.

anita it’s funny because my grandma told me he should’ve never told me either, that he was so stupid to do so.

Hi again everyone, thanks for taking your time to respond.

Anita, I know you’ve been through this with me from day one and you know much backside to the story and that’s why your answer is different than anyone else’s because you understand and see where it is stemming from. I really do think all I have left to try is therapy because I really don’t want to lose him.

Inky and Eliana, I see where you both are coming from. I, a sufferer of anxiety and OCD since a young age, tend to really never know what’s my gut and what’s my fear. So it’s hard to say that I’m feeling this way because of a gut feeling. I would have to throw in that right now, I do trust him. I have no doubt in my mind he’s not doing something. He is seriously a changed man, we have talked many times about the incident. He answers everything I need. Tells me that with his past girlfriends things just didn’t work and he was never in love and when they broke up he just didn’t care and would move on. So when I broke up with him he was devestated and just saw it as another relationship that didn’t work. He says very confidently that he would NEVER do that now and I am so so so positive he wouldn’t. We weren’t only dating for 4 months before he did this and he was 19, NEW to college, just thinking whatever. He says his mind has changed, going through all of this has made him realize that you know what idc if I’m missing out in college life, she’s the love of my life and I will sacrifice that for her.

Ofcourse it’s not easy, and OFCOURSE I have anxiety about it all or I wouldn’t be here. But I really don’t know if I should break up with someone because of how they were, if I should break up with the guy that I can see myself marrying and having kids with if I can get past this stupid mistake. Do you think in 4 years if our relationship stays this good, that I’m going to even give relevance to the fact that when we were dating for 4 months and we broke up that he slept with an old fling? Like is that going to matter? It wasn’t a random girl, he didn’t even try, he went to a party she was all over him he was drinking I had just kicked him out of my apartment and he said he just said “f it”. He regretted it immediately came running home to me, has had her blocked on everything since THAT day, I just don’t know what I’m feeling, and if this situation is actually worth a break up or worth me fixing.

Anita,

Thank you once again for always taking time out of your day to help me.

I absolutely didn’t think that yesterday was going to trigger me because we have gone to lunch before spent the day together etc, but you are absolutely right. Its the fact that I am lying about what I was actually doing with my step dad, which was my worst nightmare as a child. So I feel calm knowing yes I am experiencing anxiety, yes I know why, and yes it is understandable. So I just have to let that pass and act as normal as I can to let myself know that I am not going to let this trigger me and put me down for weeks. What happens is since all my old emotions came flooding in last night, they started flooding in about everything I have ever been anxious about in my lifetime.

And I remember the day I found out what I was doing was wrong, it was the worst 2 months of my life after that. I was so young and my OCD was SO strong and I remember thinking omg God wants me to die for doing that I should turn myself into the police, I avoided anything remotely sexual for a VERY long time, didn’t even want to talk to boys not even a simple kiss because I felt that I did not deserve to show any love in that way. It was a nightmare. So whenever I think about that incident when I was 14, it was the worst mistake of my life and the hardest thing I have ever had to go through personally because it wasn’t a thought it was FACT. Its crazy how when you’re a kid you really don’t know what you’re doing and grown ups were always right when they said you didn’t. That was the hardest lesson of my entire life and I think I am going to punish myself over it forever because as much as I say its common I am not the only one, that wasn’t me, that was young immature naive unknowing me, its still so hurtful that I would ever do something unmoral in my own eyes.

I completely agree that it is so uncomfortable, I would think you’re crazy if you said it was fine and comfortable because it is not! As many times as my OCD tries to convince me “omg you must like animals” “omg you’re a crazy person” “omg you should be in jail” I try to tell myself constantly that if I was any of those things, I wouldn’t have cared, I wouldn’t have panicked for months, I wouldn’t feel so guilty and horrible, I wouldn’t have stopped because it was what I wanted. BUT IT WAS NOT. Ever since that day I have never never never again or even been close to it, NOTHING. I don’t even like my dog sleeping under the covers because I am traumatized and think what if she does it herself. I want to make sure nothing like that even happens by MISTAKE. I know its not who I am and I shouldn’t let a decision made 7 years ago as a child effect me because its not who I am, it never was, its like you said sexual desires by all kids are so strong because its when we are becoming aware, and that is just part of being a human and I couldn’t control it. Another thing is as kids you know were always taught never touch anyone and never let anyone touch you, but no one ever teaches us that was wrong I just thought it was weird and unheard of, so I went in innocent minded and thats the only reason I let it happen, I try to remind myself about that too when reading the other posts in the other thread involving actual children siblings etc, I was never TAUGHT that specifically what I did was wrong obviously so I have to also tell myself that, I am not a bad person, I just didn’t know it was bad at the time because I was naive and innocent minded like all children.

Good morning Anita,

had a pretty tough night last night I think because I was so anxious what you were going to write in the other thread I posted in. Do you have any insight on that? I think your advice on there was amazing and said a lot of what I usually tell myself, you were a child, curious, unaware of what your actions would do to you in the future, 35,z but what scared me was when you said the person is deplorable if they make a mistake more than once, and that’s what I did. I made the mistake several times because I AT the time didn’t know it was wrong I thought it was just strange or I actually didn’t even put much attention to it until I got a little older like most kids. I always say I forgive myself but I don’t think I have. I know you’ve written to be so many times on here wondering what it is why I can’t let myself HAPPY do you think this has something to do with it? Also I’m going to tell you what happened to me yesterday and would appreciate ABY advice you can give me as it took me spiraling down.

My step dad and I spent all day together yesterday alone something we haven’t done in a while. We had the entire day planned to go pick out a new ring for my mom together and eat lunch and that’s what we did. While I was there I was having fun loved looking at rings I was perfectly comfortable etc. occasionally thoughts from my childhood worries would come like “omg imagine he just touched me right now or says something inappropriate or weird and ruins my whole life etc.” remember how this was my biggest scare after watching that movie. But I would ignore the thoughts and still enjoyed the day. And then when I got home the anxiety came flooding in. Idk if it was because I wasn’t able to tell my mom where we were and I was scared she would suspect something weird since we had “lunch” for four hours (becusse she didn’t know about the ring and I can’t tell her) or idk if I was scared she was going to ask me what’s wrong or if I looked weird or something and I was going to have a panic attack because I know my OCD would be like omg lie to her tell her he tried something tell her this etc (childhood again), but pretty much yesterday was NOT a good day for me and I really don’t want to ruin my summer and go into a big slump because of this. I am getting a dog next week and I am so excited and I really just want my OCD to stop ruining my happy days.

If you could please give me some advice on both of these topics I think it would make my entire weekend maybe put me at ease put things into perspective. Because right now I’m thinking I’m some crazy person who was screwed up as a kid and now is still screwed up as an adult for thinking all these weird things. I just want to forgive myself for my previous stupid mistakes and I want a relationship with my dad that doesn’t have these ridiculous thoughts.

Thank you always.

Hey Anita!

Jusr wanted to write back since I came back from  Mexico. The trip was amazing. I found myself many times in my head and thinking “am I faking this” “do I really love him” but I would never panic over the thoughts. When we got back from the trip, I find that it really went down. The like almost like the anxiety PURPOSEFULLY happened to see if I would have a bad time or if I was control and was not going to let it affect me. I also think the days together (7) made me comfortable again and I was sure of my relationship and really felt that love again. Now it’s been 2 days that I haven’t seen him and my anxiety I feel is back again….

it is so annoying because I think the root of the problem is that since I am with him every single day in college, I feel that this change (not seeing him everyday) is making me seem that I am not interested or in love anymore since I find myself fine being independent. How do you think I can overcome this? He writes me such nice messages and I can’t help but feel guilty feeling this way and constantly questioning my own feelings.

I have been waiting my entire relationship to be HOW is now… and now that he’s everything I ever wanted him to be it’s like I don’t want it anymore. That’s what my mind is telling me. Do you think I am just scared that since he is so perfect and I actually am probably the most in love I’ve ever been with him, I’m scared. Scared to accept him, scared to fall so hard, scared that I really might marry him and that I’ve finally gotten my dream guy. He is so amazing I can’t express it. And it sucks that I have these thoughts. I feel they only happen when I’m alone/without him. Like last night I freaked out over our past and got so mad again. And he helped me and answered everything I needed and we moved on from it.

I really just want some clarification from your point of view on why I’m feeling this way. Do you think it’s comethjng deeper? Do you think I really just want to be alone? Idk how to feel and I can’t express why I feel this way… and it’s horrible because it’s the happiest we have ever been and I want to enjoy the present and focus on this amazing relationship we have right now.

Thank you so much for your responses and really always helping me understand myself better than I can on my own. Hope to hear from you soon.

I can totally see how telling him was not the right decision. Now he might be insecure and now I might obsess that he thinks I want to break up and it’ll probably have a bigger impact on me than him. I just felt guilty not telling him. I felt guilty that I was thinking this and I almost just anted him to tell me yes sometimes I do want other girls to find me attractive and I thought I would feel better (temporary relief) but instead he told me everything I didn’t want to hear “I don’t do that, I only like to look good for you, I like being told we’re a good looking couple that’s why I like to look good, are you too good for me? ;9 you want to be single? And it KILLED ME. I told him I no longer wanted to talk about it because it increased my anxiety and I made it a real life issue and not an issue in my head like before.

About the childhood thing… a moment specifically doesn’t come to mind but I’m sure there are some stuff there? It’s just so weird it’s always happened to me. I remember I got a really nice car as my first car and the entire time I couldn’t be happy about it I was like did my parents really want to get me this? Do I deserve this? Do they have this kind of money? I never can ENJOY something without thinking bad about it. So I know I’m going to Mexico and I just want to have a good time and I was excited for so long and now I’m like what if I ruin it what if I have an anxiety attack what if my OCD ruins the whole trip and I can’t control it what if I act on my OCD and break up with him. What if I can’t have a good time because I’m so stuck in my headS I notice this every time I go somewhere exciting. I can say that my OCD random attacks as a young kid really did ruin HAPPY moments in my life transferring to a new school, summer vacation, etc. so I can see that I was excited about all of those things and my OCD ruined it for me . Getting a car, a dog, school, everything.