Thank you Inky and Anita
I appreciate hearing the other side. After a few days of processing and getting various opinions from the rest of the bridal party, it seems it may have been a combination of oversight and sparing me. Everyone was someone “present” in her life. I live away and therefore was not considered “there” enough. I also am the only one who wasn’t recently married or engaged, so apparently I’m not “wedding positive”. Whatever the case, I listened to the things anita mentioned about value, and I definitely have all of those aspects in the positive of our friendship. So yes, perhaps it was just oversight.
Either way I was still extremely hurt in the moment. I deeply regret that I couldn’t not just suck it up and deal with it enough to stick out the entire wedding. I left just before the dancing/fun started. I’m sure the bride is not happy with me right now, and it will take time. I just wish I had known or been involved in some other aspect. Being sideline sucked and I was not prepared to handle that.

Hi Anita.

I did not know about a wedding party. I had assumed there wasn’t a wedding party honestly because I couldn’t imagine not being in it, and all of my other friends were in it and never said anything. But the truth is I was terrified this would happen. At the rehearsal dinner all seemed fine and I was treated just like everyone else. I just didn’t think this would be something that would make me reevaluate my friendship with her so blatantly. Right now I feel like that’s the only thing I can do.

I guess I’m also my own example here. Being in the 20 year relationship that was repeatedly hurtful and unsuccessful I chose to see only the hope of improvement, when there was overwhelming evidence that it wasn’t going anywhere but hurt. Previously you had mentioned this may have been a reason for my anger (post from a while ago), as it was trying to relay this message to me. The same was true when I was in the abusive bipolar relationship. In that case however I was so determined to get away from the 20 year guy’s cycle I ignored the indications of his personality disorder even though I was well aware of what his medications were prescribed for and what his behavior was indicative of. I certainly had the flight signal blaring out loud, but I stayed and ended up in the fight instead.

So yes, I remember all of these things and denying that voice that knows better. Its also a reason why I try not to get involved in other people’s situations even if I feel like they need some kind of enlightenment.

Recently I’ve been trying to understand guilt and ultimately shame. I mentioned feeling these briefly as this guy of 20 years displaced his personal guilt and shame on me, even though I personally had never felt it before. I’m happy to say now free of him, I dont feel these things about myself or actions as they were never really mine. However the more I try to understand these concepts the more it seems common place for people to carry deeply rooted guilt and shame that have huge effects on their behavior and actions towards others.

I had a wonderful early education at a school (13 years of it) that really taught us to understand all sides of a story, regardless if we agreed with them or not. I remember being seriously defensive of my opinions in my early adolescence, then after some great teaching, I have always been aware of thoughts from other peoples perspectives. My own was always subject to change the more aware I became. So it is difficult to see people unaware or becoming aware so much later on after other issues arise from it.

It still difficult for me to fully understand guilt and shame, but its something I wish i knew how to deal with when it comes up as people become more aware of theirs. I feel like you must face those things to move on, but at the same time it seems so easy to let them stew below the surface. I wish I knew how to recognize if one is carrying shame especially. I feel if it isn’t something they can become aware of it just gets thrown on to someone else.

Glad to be back.
Thanks for your insight on how to think about ‘toxic’. I definitely try not to throw it around as much as I used to. For example in past posts I mentioned a past friend/lover who definitely was toxic after many years of trying to convince myself otherwise. On the other hand I’ve had a friend struggling with addiction and depression who I perceived as toxic, but who really just needed someone to care. Happy to report the former is out of my life nearly a year, and the latter has after an intervention taken steps to improve upon her life and is a joy to have around.
That said I do regret rushing to judgement on others in the past just because I wasn’t willing/strong enough at the time to really consider the entire situation. Sometimes it just seems so easy when you read posts on how to cleanse your life of negativity, but as you mentioned, negativity doesn’t mean intentionally hurtful.

So then it is possible for X to feel guilt, but only if X values Y.
And X does not value Y if X treats treats Y poorly?

I mean logically it makes sense. The harder part I’m having is understanding why X would only treat Y poorly and not Z or Q? Is it because Y devalues themself, so X does as well? Does X view Z and Q with actual value and not value Y, or is value only what X can get from Y, Z and Q?

and I was trying to simplify it.

We met when I was a freshman playing travel soccer with his sister at separate schools,. He was 1 year older and her ride to practice, like every day and weekend. They were a family of 6 and his youngest sister (by 8 years) is his best friend here in New York.

From 16-20something we had the same friends from home, we ended up at the same partied, and we ended up with each other at the end of the night. We lived apart but stayed in contact as genuine friends, but I was living around the country with a long term boyfruend for my studies and career. To note, I never cheated on my long term relationships with this person.
at 25 newly single, 2 years after my mom died, and fresh out of grad school, I ended up in NYC where he already was/had been since 18 in college.

In New York, for 10 years n New York now, We are both 35. At first I was still dealing with my Mom so not interested in a relationship. He was into partying, socializing, and he had a girlfriend the first 3 years, but I only heard about her later when my friend warned me. It happened again, but at that point we were not sexually active (boundary established).

In New York I never was introduced to any of his friends. at first it was because I was the ‘other woman’, but then it continued for those 10 years. I only met his roommates, who kept his ‘dirty little secret’.

6 years ago his 8 year younger sister, his best friend, not the one I played soccer with at 15, moved to New York. They had a great time and shared friends, but he never involved me in her life. The last time I saw her, was sneaking around her when I was 18 back home.

he only communicated with me through email the whole time. With or without a girlfriend constantly. His social life is an escape from a boring finance job, which pays well, but is ultimately boring.

I was a cognitive neuroscience major in school, but my experience was mostly biological. I haven’t tried CBT before, but I will bring that up as a possible interest to pursue. If your post (s) are any indication of CBT, I’ve been responsive.

For me it would be aid in closure to figure out what motivated him to keep me at arms reach and to repeatedly not respect my clearly stated boundaries. In the past relationship that brought me to therapy a few years back, hearing that his abusive actions were because he had a biological mental health problem. He was bipolar, off meds, so he wasn’t the person I thought he was when I fell in love with him. iT was easier to forgive myself for the failure of that relationship. I learned how to look for signs of this and it has been helpful in avoiding situations with this type of person I am obviously not able to deal with.

I think I have a better chance of figuring myself out than I do this guy out. As my friends had concluded many years ago, and as he has recently concluded for himself, he is “just a bad person who does bad things to me”. My conclusion, which as you said is most likely not true, is that he was an unhappy person inside and he uses people to feel better about himself. He took my forgiveness was like him forgiving himself for the past actions although he never fully accepted responsibility. As for keeping me at arms length, I’d like to think it was because he knew he was such a bad person he didn’t want to hurt me by messing up a relationship doomed from the start. As to why he would isolate me and keep me away from his friends and family? Possibly that I represented guilt and shame?
These questions are distracting me in the short term but I can’t get them out of my thoughts.

Thank you again anita. I have my first therapy session coming up next week, so this helps me get a little better oriented with what my larger goals are to work on besides just the one man.

I have felt unlovable since my mother’s death 10 years ago, and it is something I also dealt with as a child. Prior to her death I was in a healthy long term relationship that probably would have continued if I hadn’t suffered the trauma of how she chose died. I ended that relationship and avoided any others for 6 years while I was absorbed in my Masters Degree. It was around that time this cycle started with the guy I’ve mentioned. I allowed him not to love me for obvious reasons at first, to replace the non love of my parents, but as I came to realize this, I was honest with him and drew my boundaries. Again, to no avail. It really was my last bit of faith in someone loving me. The love was proven as he returned every time I pushed him away and no one else did. I thought he was there when no one else was.

I do love myself, let me be clear about that. The first real relationship I had following the 6 year hiatus was with someone who was bipolar and stopped taking his meds. I found myself in an abusive relationship that lasted a year. I was diagnosed with PTSD and worked with a therapist at that time on gaining self esteem. I haven’t dated anyone else seriously in 4 years partly for fear, but then to continue trying to work things out with this guy giving time space and boundaries while he just didn’t know what he wanted.

As much as my heart is broken, I do feel happy knowing he is out of my life and there is now time and space to heal. I enjoy being alone, but I would like to start dating again. I just don’t know how to be loved or how to date someone who would treat me any differently.

I am also hoping to open communications with my father, but it doesnt feel right. I feel like the distance with him is also a reason I have a problem with trusting men in general.