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  • October 9, 2016 at 7:51 am #117590
    flyby
    Participant

    I had been looking forward to my best friends wedding. She had been there for me for 20 years and was finally getting married. I lived far away but every time I came back, I’d stay with her. Neither of us had sisters so we called each other a sister. I had been so excited for this wedding. I brought a few dresses bought some new shoes and left a nice check as a gift.
    And then I walked into the wedding. I couldn’t tell which side I was supposed to sit on because I didn’t recognize anyone. I took a seat in the back wondering where everyone was… then I saw all my friends husbands. My friends weren’t there. They were all in the wedding.
    The music began and I watched every single one of them, line up as the wedding party. I ended up crying, but for all the wrong reasons.
    As the night continued I was stuck in the back with people I didn’t know, single without a date because I didn’t get a plus one.
    It shouldn’t have been about me at all, but I couldn’t take the overwhelming feeling of being left out. I excused myself early and wont be showing up to brunch.
    I have never been in a wedding, but this girl would have been my maid of honor. Do I have a right to be hurt? I mean I am extremely hurt. When is it appropriate to discuss this with her? Definitely not something I can let go.

    October 9, 2016 at 9:43 am #117612
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear flyby:

    It could be a glitch in the wedding planning part. The person or persons who planned the wedding didn’t do a good job and … forgot you are a guest and where you should sit etc.

    Regarding not being a bride’s maid, you knew that ahead of time: did you have a problem with that before the wedding; knowing you will not have that role?

    I hope you do talk to her soon about that, when she is a bit settled in her marriage, following her honeymoon or so.

    anita

    October 9, 2016 at 10:32 am #117615
    flyby
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    I did not know about a wedding party. I had assumed there wasn’t a wedding party honestly because I couldn’t imagine not being in it, and all of my other friends were in it and never said anything. But the truth is I was terrified this would happen. At the rehearsal dinner all seemed fine and I was treated just like everyone else. I just didn’t think this would be something that would make me reevaluate my friendship with her so blatantly. Right now I feel like that’s the only thing I can do.

    October 9, 2016 at 10:47 am #117622
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear flyby:

    Re-evaluating friendships makes sense. Whatever is unclear to you, ask her later, ask for information, so that you have the information you can still acquire for an accurate re-evaluation.

    anita

    October 9, 2016 at 1:28 pm #117634
    flyby
    Participant

    Anita, or anyone else,
    What are things to consider in evaluating a friendship?

    October 9, 2016 at 7:34 pm #117650
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear flyby:

    A few things to consider in evaluating a friendship:

    * Truthfulness: do you trust what she tells you to be true; do you tell her the truth?
    * Respect: Is the communication, both ways, respectful: no yelling, no name calling, no threats, no put downs..?
    * Dependability: does she walk her talk with you; do you?
    * Mutuality: Do you initiate talking to/ seeing her about as often as she initiates connecting with you?

    anita

    October 10, 2016 at 5:28 am #117687
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi flyby,

    At every wedding, someone (many people!) always gets hurt. And the bride may have no idea who or why!

    For example, when I got married, MY mother got the wedding SHE always wanted! I only wanted a maid of honor (my sister) and my best friend from childhood. But then The Politics: Oh, your cousins are worth more than a childhood friend, and you can’t invite that side without the other side, and if you have this person you can’t have that person, etc.

    Either this was a terrific oversight, or she thought she was doing you a favor by not having to do the brides maid thing, or you were not as close as you thought.

    Maybe because you never brought it up she assumed you weren’t interested. (???)

    I’m sorry this happened to you. 🙁

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    October 11, 2016 at 7:29 am #117770
    flyby
    Participant

    Thank you Inky and Anita
    I appreciate hearing the other side. After a few days of processing and getting various opinions from the rest of the bridal party, it seems it may have been a combination of oversight and sparing me. Everyone was someone “present” in her life. I live away and therefore was not considered “there” enough. I also am the only one who wasn’t recently married or engaged, so apparently I’m not “wedding positive”. Whatever the case, I listened to the things anita mentioned about value, and I definitely have all of those aspects in the positive of our friendship. So yes, perhaps it was just oversight.
    Either way I was still extremely hurt in the moment. I deeply regret that I couldn’t not just suck it up and deal with it enough to stick out the entire wedding. I left just before the dancing/fun started. I’m sure the bride is not happy with me right now, and it will take time. I just wish I had known or been involved in some other aspect. Being sideline sucked and I was not prepared to handle that.

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