Hi Tee,

thanks for all the replies, I know it’s hard for her to talk about and I have thought myself that when she needs advanced notice that she needs time to get to a calm frame of mind, but there was never any follow up, and she always put it on me for not asking. She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before. She was having therapy but I think she talked more about what was going on between me and her and she then said she was swapping therapists as that one wasn’t helping her but I don’t know if she ever found another.

I know I have my own issues to sort out as well but I think the relationship with her child especially has always sat uncomfortable with me, its like a part of her life she doesn’t want to deal with and is happy for her daughter to be out of sight out of mind. She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront which spirals my doubts about us having kids.

Hi Tee,

thanks for replying, in regards to those issues she has always spent a lot, parcels would always be arriving, she was always looking for the next trip away and wanting to eat out, she has said she has stopped spending as much but it’s hard to judge as I haven’t been there as much. She did email me a break down of her debts but my concern is she earns good money and what she showed me didn’t seem too bad so she could have easily cleared them over the last few years had she wanted, which made me think they are worse than she is leading me to believe, plus debt letters did arrive at the house now and again and she brushed it off if I asked if it was anything serious and if she was ok with her debt.

On her kid front, I have asked over the years what led to her not looking after her and she has said a little bit around the circumstances but never why her parents had permanent guardianship or why she has never wanted to build a proper relationship with her daughter. When we first got together she said her parents had her while she got her career on track but that hasn’t been the case, when we moved in together we did the spare room and she said it was so her daughter could stay over if she wanted, as far as I know she’s never even asked her. I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk. My brain goes in overdrive though and makes it’s own narratives or thinks she needs advanced warning to prepare answers I deem acceptable or will easily accept.

I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long. My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.