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Full_of_paradoxes

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  • #358145
    Full_of_paradoxes
    Participant

    Thank you all for responding.

    Dear Canadian Eagle, I live in Europe. My country is mostly catholic, but here people are only religious on paper. At least most of them. My parents were raised in  religious households but are not that religious themselves. We rarely talk about religion.You are right about love being a basic human need and I find it hard to understand why it is so impossible for my family to imagine me being in a relationship, which affects me in a way that I feel unlovable and needy.

    Dear Mary, thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear you had to go through abusive relationships. I know exactly how you feel about having good things to offer but no one who wants them. I see so many people who go through life being completely unaware or being ignorant about their bad behaviour and still finding love. And it frustrates me.  I also don’t align with the conservative lifestyle. I have always felt pressure that my first partner has to be the one and I have to make it work no matter what. I’m afraid to even experiment and go on dates for fear of being perceived as a who*re (excuse the language). I am old enough to be aware of my destructive patters, but it is so difficult to change them when this is all I knew my whole life. If you ever want to talk more about this and share, let me know. 🙂

    Dear Anita, I think this is true: “I think that your fear of being needy is behind your desire to be and live independently, away from and not needy of any man.” I know I do well without a partner and it was my goal to feel good on my own before having a one and know that I don’t need someone else to make my life whole. I don’t need a partner, but I would like one. All around me I see childish men who only want sex and have no interest in their personal development. This combined with my issues is a difficult nut to crack.

    “* When you feel disgusted when someone flirts with you, that disgust may show on your face and behavior, for example you looking away from the man with a face contorted by disgust, and that may be the reason why “No boy ever said he likes (you)”.”- I can see this might seem that way but it really is not. I am very conscious about looking polite and nice (sometimes even too much because I am a people pleaser). I never give out numbers to men I don’t know and the first time my friends convinced me to do it, I went out of my comfort zone and gave a number to a guy (my age, he looked normal and polite) I had a terrible experience. When I gave him my number he changed completely. He stepped closer and started talking in a vulgar way and took down his pants. I was mortified. I could not even move. I felt stupid to believe  he was a nice guy in the first place and I was so mad at myself for being so naive. I keep “attracting” weird people like that and I am so tired of it. I just want someone who is normal and respectful and it saddens me that so many young people are only interested in hookups.

    #340958
    Full_of_paradoxes
    Participant

    Dear Peter and Anita,

    Thank you both for your answers. You have given me a lot to think about and process. I will use Smeed’s quotes as affirmations.

    The best to both of you.

    #340812
    Full_of_paradoxes
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for responding.

    “Do you think that your shame and guilt have to do with your strong loyalty to your unaffectionate family?”

    Perhaps. Even though we don’t show emotions I know they love me and I love them and we show it in other ways; however I don’t understand why I have such a hard time thinking I could ever be held by a boy or kissed or more. In some way I do feel like having a boyfriend would mean that I am independent from my family and not a child anymore. I feel bad even thnking that I need anyone outside my family to love. It feels like a betrayal, but I don’t know why because we never talk about romance in my family and they never said I cannot have a boyfriend. I also have this shame in being a female, almost as if having sex or being intimate is something very dirty and bad. I feel disgusting if anyone ever flirts with me..

     

    #332893
    Full_of_paradoxes
    Participant

    Thank you for responding. 🙂

    With regards to why I can’t avoid them – I have to live with this person.

    #154294
    Full_of_paradoxes
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your response 🙂

    I would certainly deal with a lot less c*ap if I became more assertive. I’m just so afraid that then I will get the reputation for being mean (people are ok when they do it to others, but hate when it’s done to them) because now everyone knows me as a really nice and helpful person. I even felt bad when a stranger tried to talk to me on the train and I was very tired so when it got quiet I put my headphones and tried to sleep. I feel like I’m obligated to be nice and attentive to everyone and if I’m not I fear something bad will happen.

    I do believe in an after life and I would like to believe that you get punished for really bad things (like murder and such). A lot of good people have bad things happen to them in their lives when a lot of bad people get away with everything. I’m afraid of being punished here, on Earth. If people treat me like s*it when I’m nice to them and I only have one real friend, then I’m scared of what would be if I were assertive.

    #154230
    Full_of_paradoxes
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your replies. 🙂

    I have a problem with setting boundaries and I feel like I always need to be nice to people or karma will happen. (I even feel like this if the person deserves to be told off).

    1) About your friend: “she puts me down whenever she can”- a friend who puts you down is not a friend. Better to not associate with a person who puts you down.  Can you give an example of how she puts you down?

    A lot of decisions I make are followed by her lectures on why it’s not a good idea and why she is right. When there’s work to be done for uni and I do it, she says to me sth like: I didn’t do it because I have a life. Even just deciding not to be on social media for a while gets a response like: Why would you do that. That is so stupid because of this and this…

    2) “I go out of my way to help them but no one appreciates anything I do, nothing is ever good enough”- can you give an example or two of you going out of your way to help others and why you figure it wasn’t good enough?

    I have a friend who is an emotional vampire. I help people, but sometimes I do it to the point where I feel like a psychiatrist and the pressure is too strong. She has some financial problems and I gave her a lot of clothers, bags, etc. She calls me several times a week and talks for hours but never wants to know how I am. And she keeps telling me the same problems. but she won’t do anything but complain about them. I told her a couple of times that I will call her back because I has exams and another time I was busy, and she resented that. One no and every good thing I did is forgotten.

    3) “if I say anything back (to defend my self) I say it as politely as possible, but then all of a sudden I’m the bad person”- again, an example of how you defended yourself and the reaction you received that made you feel like the bad person?

    One of my friends is very sarcastic to a point when she can be very rude. I always gave her my notes, helped her, given her a ride home when she needed, but once I told her politely: I’m sorry. I know you are a sarcastic person and I know you as such, but this really hurt my feelings. She took that as an attack and said I was bashing her as a friend and so on. I never yell at anyone and I avoid confrontation and people say I should stand up for myself, but as guess I should do that when they are not the ones I defend against.

    4) “why can’t I have great grades as well if I put in so much more work.” Any ideas why?

    Am I trying too much?

    5) “people seem to like rude people more”- can you elaborate on that?

    Why do rude people, the onse that walk away when someone needs help, have more friends or are more respected than those who treat people as equals?

    I liked this answer: The reason why people congregate around rude people is because one would think that if someone is rude, they must have a lot of social currency to pull it off. Of course when a nice person is rude, it becomes a problem!

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