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The feeling of unfairness….

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #153598

    Jessica
    Participant

    Hi!

    I’ve always worked hard for my education.  Especially here at uni I make sure to do extra work (because I want to and I love what I study, not because I want to impress anyone) and I study hard for my exams. I have a couple of friends I spend most of my time with and one of them often makes me feel boring and like I have no life because I’m passionate about my studies and I’d rather read than go out and flirt with boys. She always finds a way to lecture me about my life, but uses the excuse of: Oh, I’m a real friend and real friends are honest. She is not a bad person but she knows I have confidence issues and she puts me down whenever she can. I’ve always been extra nice to people and I go out of my way to help them but no one appreciates anything I do, nothing is ever good enough. And if I say anything back (to defend my self) I say it as politely as possible, but then all of a sudden I’m the bad person. The thing is, I put so much effort into what I study and they always complain about thing and how life sucks and they don’t study so much, but in the end they get better grades than I do. And I’m sad because everyone seems to appreciate good grades more than effort. I am happy for them, I wish them well but at the same time I wonder why can’t I have great grades as well if I put in so much more work. It’s hard for me to admit that I’m a little angry because of this, but it is like this in general. They are very sarcastic and one always complains about how people are dressed or people annoy her for no reason, but people like them more. I know I’m a good person, but people seem to like rude people more and I can’t figure out why.. How can I cope with these feelings? How can I focus on myself only and not compare my work and results to others?

    Thank you in advance 🙂

    Have a lovely day.

    #153656

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica:

    You brought up several issues in your thread. For my better understanding I list these and ask:

    1) About your friend: “she puts me down whenever she can”- a friend who puts you down is not a friend. Better to not associate with a person who puts you down.  Can you give an example of how she puts you down?

    2) “I go out of my way to help them but no one appreciates anything I do, nothing is ever good enough”- can you give an example or two of you going out of your way to help others and why you figure it wasn’t good enough?

    3) “if I say anything back (to defend my self) I say it as politely as possible, but then all of a sudden I’m the bad person”- again, an example of how you defended yourself and the reaction you received that made you feel like the bad person?

    4) “why can’t I have great grades as well if I put in so much more work.” Any ideas why?

    5) “people seem to like rude people more”- can you elaborate on that?

    anita

     

     

    #153668

    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Jessica,

    You don’t have to be around anyone that makes you feel bad. I know it seems that your social life is so important now, but a lot of the people who seem so important to you now you probably won’t even think about after you graduate.

    One piece of advice that I have to remind myself again is don’t compare yourself to others. I guess comparing yourself could drive you to become better, but it can also make you bitter and insecure. The next time you find yourself comparing yourself, maybe just stop and question if this is really doing any good.

    Don’t change because of what others say about you. Decide the person who you want to become and don’t let people who make you feel bad affect your self-progress.

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Mark.
    #153776

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jessica,

    The reason why people congregate around rude people is because one would think that if someone is rude, they must have a lot of social currency to pull it off. Of course when a nice person is rude, it becomes a problem! LOL

    As for the unfairness in effort and grades, you can be honest. Say, “You guys are so bright and must have photographic memory. I have to really work hard for the same grade, so I can’t go clubbing now, sorry!”

    And yes, I agree with the other posters: Don’t reward bad behavior. If someone puts you down, or even makes you feel bad and you can’t put a finger on why, give them a wide berth.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #154230

    Jessica
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your replies. 🙂

    I have a problem with setting boundaries and I feel like I always need to be nice to people or karma will happen. (I even feel like this if the person deserves to be told off).

    1) About your friend: “she puts me down whenever she can”- a friend who puts you down is not a friend. Better to not associate with a person who puts you down.  Can you give an example of how she puts you down?

    A lot of decisions I make are followed by her lectures on why it’s not a good idea and why she is right. When there’s work to be done for uni and I do it, she says to me sth like: I didn’t do it because I have a life. Even just deciding not to be on social media for a while gets a response like: Why would you do that. That is so stupid because of this and this…

    2) “I go out of my way to help them but no one appreciates anything I do, nothing is ever good enough”- can you give an example or two of you going out of your way to help others and why you figure it wasn’t good enough?

    I have a friend who is an emotional vampire. I help people, but sometimes I do it to the point where I feel like a psychiatrist and the pressure is too strong. She has some financial problems and I gave her a lot of clothers, bags, etc. She calls me several times a week and talks for hours but never wants to know how I am. And she keeps telling me the same problems. but she won’t do anything but complain about them. I told her a couple of times that I will call her back because I has exams and another time I was busy, and she resented that. One no and every good thing I did is forgotten.

    3) “if I say anything back (to defend my self) I say it as politely as possible, but then all of a sudden I’m the bad person”- again, an example of how you defended yourself and the reaction you received that made you feel like the bad person?

    One of my friends is very sarcastic to a point when she can be very rude. I always gave her my notes, helped her, given her a ride home when she needed, but once I told her politely: I’m sorry. I know you are a sarcastic person and I know you as such, but this really hurt my feelings. She took that as an attack and said I was bashing her as a friend and so on. I never yell at anyone and I avoid confrontation and people say I should stand up for myself, but as guess I should do that when they are not the ones I defend against.

    4) “why can’t I have great grades as well if I put in so much more work.” Any ideas why?

    Am I trying too much?

    5) “people seem to like rude people more”- can you elaborate on that?

    Why do rude people, the onse that walk away when someone needs help, have more friends or are more respected than those who treat people as equals?

    I liked this answer: The reason why people congregate around rude people is because one would think that if someone is rude, they must have a lot of social currency to pull it off. Of course when a nice person is rude, it becomes a problem!

    #154236

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica:

    In each of the examples you gave, the other person was indeed dismissive of you, disrespectful, unfair and unkind.

    One very significant problem standing in your way of asserting yourself with others and ending friendships with those who disrespect you is what you wrote in the beginning of your last post: “I feel like I always need to be nice to people or karma will happen. (I even feel like this if the person deserves to be told off).”- you fear punishment if you assert yourself. Fearing punishment is a strong motivation to not engage in behaviors that are likely to lead to punishment.

    You wrote in this quote: “I feel like…” it is not only a feeling, it is a belief, a core belief. I believe this belief is untrue. I believe that your future will be better if you are assertive. Don’t you?

    One more question: do you believe in an after life where you will be punished if you assert yourself for any reason?

    anita

    #154294

    Jessica
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your response 🙂

    I would certainly deal with a lot less c*ap if I became more assertive. I’m just so afraid that then I will get the reputation for being mean (people are ok when they do it to others, but hate when it’s done to them) because now everyone knows me as a really nice and helpful person. I even felt bad when a stranger tried to talk to me on the train and I was very tired so when it got quiet I put my headphones and tried to sleep. I feel like I’m obligated to be nice and attentive to everyone and if I’m not I fear something bad will happen.

    I do believe in an after life and I would like to believe that you get punished for really bad things (like murder and such). A lot of good people have bad things happen to them in their lives when a lot of bad people get away with everything. I’m afraid of being punished here, on Earth. If people treat me like s*it when I’m nice to them and I only have one real friend, then I’m scared of what would be if I were assertive.

    #154450

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica:

    It is okay to be “nice and helpful”- you can stay nice and helpful. And be assertive at the same time. Being assertive does not mean … being mean. When you are assertive with others it not only helps you, it helps them.

    When you don’t assert yourself with others, if you keep interacting with them long enough, and you let them walk all over you (knowingly or unknowingly), you will build up anger and they will suffer for it. Assert yourself- no anger, no passive aggressive expressions of anger.

    You wrote that if If people treat you badly now, when you are nice to them, then they will treat you worse when you are assertive. This may have been your experience as a child (?). It was definitely mine. And so, I too am still scared being assertive.

    But I was wrong. Being unassertive, that is passive, caused me lots of harm. And being assertive protects me. It is uncomfortable, still, to practice assertiveness, because I learned it is dangerous to do so. But it is not. What I learned was wrong.

    Try it and you will see, experiment in small ways, being assertive and you will learn anew that assertiveness is helpful to you… and to others.

    anita

     

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