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Dear Peter and Anita,
Thank you both for your answers. You have given me a lot to think about and process. I will use Smeed’s quotes as affirmations.
The best to both of you.
Thank you for responding.
“Do you think that your shame and guilt have to do with your strong loyalty to your unaffectionate family?”
Perhaps. Even though we don’t show emotions I know they love me and I love them and we show it in other ways; however I don’t understand why I have such a hard time thinking I could ever be held by a boy or kissed or more. In some way I do feel like having a boyfriend would mean that I am independent from my family and not a child anymore. I feel bad even thnking that I need anyone outside my family to love. It feels like a betrayal, but I don’t know why because we never talk about romance in my family and they never said I cannot have a boyfriend. I also have this shame in being a female, almost as if having sex or being intimate is something very dirty and bad. I feel disgusting if anyone ever flirts with me..
Thank you for responding. 🙂
With regards to why I can’t avoid them – I have to live with this person.
Thank you Anita for your response 🙂
I would certainly deal with a lot less c*ap if I became more assertive. I’m just so afraid that then I will get the reputation for being mean (people are ok when they do it to others, but hate when it’s done to them) because now everyone knows me as a really nice and helpful person. I even felt bad when a stranger tried to talk to me on the train and I was very tired so when it got quiet I put my headphones and tried to sleep. I feel like I’m obligated to be nice and attentive to everyone and if I’m not I fear something bad will happen.
I do believe in an after life and I would like to believe that you get punished for really bad things (like murder and such). A lot of good people have bad things happen to them in their lives when a lot of bad people get away with everything. I’m afraid of being punished here, on Earth. If people treat me like s*it when I’m nice to them and I only have one real friend, then I’m scared of what would be if I were assertive.
Thank you everyone for your replies. 🙂
I have a problem with setting boundaries and I feel like I always need to be nice to people or karma will happen. (I even feel like this if the person deserves to be told off).
1) About your friend: “she puts me down whenever she can”- a friend who puts you down is not a friend. Better to not associate with a person who puts you down. Can you give an example of how she puts you down?
A lot of decisions I make are followed by her lectures on why it’s not a good idea and why she is right. When there’s work to be done for uni and I do it, she says to me sth like: I didn’t do it because I have a life. Even just deciding not to be on social media for a while gets a response like: Why would you do that. That is so stupid because of this and this…
2) “I go out of my way to help them but no one appreciates anything I do, nothing is ever good enough”- can you give an example or two of you going out of your way to help others and why you figure it wasn’t good enough?
I have a friend who is an emotional vampire. I help people, but sometimes I do it to the point where I feel like a psychiatrist and the pressure is too strong. She has some financial problems and I gave her a lot of clothers, bags, etc. She calls me several times a week and talks for hours but never wants to know how I am. And she keeps telling me the same problems. but she won’t do anything but complain about them. I told her a couple of times that I will call her back because I has exams and another time I was busy, and she resented that. One no and every good thing I did is forgotten.
3) “if I say anything back (to defend my self) I say it as politely as possible, but then all of a sudden I’m the bad person”- again, an example of how you defended yourself and the reaction you received that made you feel like the bad person?
One of my friends is very sarcastic to a point when she can be very rude. I always gave her my notes, helped her, given her a ride home when she needed, but once I told her politely: I’m sorry. I know you are a sarcastic person and I know you as such, but this really hurt my feelings. She took that as an attack and said I was bashing her as a friend and so on. I never yell at anyone and I avoid confrontation and people say I should stand up for myself, but as guess I should do that when they are not the ones I defend against.
4) “why can’t I have great grades as well if I put in so much more work.” Any ideas why?
Am I trying too much?
5) “people seem to like rude people more”- can you elaborate on that?
Why do rude people, the onse that walk away when someone needs help, have more friends or are more respected than those who treat people as equals?
I liked this answer: The reason why people congregate around rude people is because one would think that if someone is rude, they must have a lot of social currency to pull it off. Of course when a nice person is rude, it becomes a problem!