Hi Jara.. I’ve been there – losing a sense of purpose. In fact I think I’m still in that bucket! hehe. It sounds as though you have at least part of a handle on what is wrong – first I’d recommend escaping the internet for a while. Try to put some distance between yourself and any destructive repeating cycles. I think that whatever is ticking over in your mind and heart will be eased if you can get yourself away from things for a bit, with one very important ingredient – enjoy the outdoors and look for the beauty in things inside and around you, the things which are important for you. Find those things that define who you are and focus on everything that’s good within and around you. It’s for sure that you cannot realistically be any good to anyone without first being good and sound within yourself, so take the time to build your strengths. You don’t mention anything about friends around you, off the internet? It’s possible that you don’t have many and I suppose since you haven’t mentioned anyone then I’ll have to assume that is the case for the moment, but that’s okay – me neither. I spend about 95% of my personal time in my own company, even when I find myself surrounded by other people. For me that’s just the way it is, so believe me when I say there’s nothing wrong with or weird about solitude. My ultimate advice? Just take things one day at a time, and believe in yourself as you look for what’s important to you, but whatever you do I’d say lessen your time looking on the net for so many answers and try to spend some time connecting with the better part of your surroundings, and try to find what’s important to you – what makes you tick? What gets you (or maybe used to get you) excited? Maybe there’s something new out there?

Hi Tulips,

Well I have to admit from the outset I can’t really say that I’ve experienced the same things directly (can anyone truly say that of any experience?) but you seem to be suffering somewhat under a similar weight to a lot of people. It sounds as though you’re doing tremendously well – to be mindful enough to see when you trip up is not just a very good sign in itself, but also goes to show what great strength you actually have, even though I suspect you repeatedly feel quite the opposite. Probably the first thing I would suggest is the art of letting go of the stress around the element of control which you mention. Even when life may be considered “perfect” by every reasonable definition, life is never all that controllable.. not really, but you know what?! That’s okay. For my money I’d say that handling any situation with humility and lack of expectation not only makes the momentary experience more authentic, but it also in itself helps to reinforce the real lack of importance to control. Life can carry a beautiful randomness to it, and I’d probably say roll with life moment by moment, and don’t be hard on yourself.. not for a moment in return. The fact that your circumstances are compounded by AA recovery means that it will be hard I’m sure, though it definitely sounds like you have a positive outlook on this aspect, and that’s a better, longer lasting position than one of looking for and struggling over control. Make no mistake either – we’re all deserving of love. That love has to first come to ourselves from within, which sounds like a scary thing, but in truth it sounds as though you have a good measure of that already too, since you’re in here and out there dealing with your feelings and talking, and that’s a very encouraging thing. Rome wasn’t built in a day! As with everything about helping to make life beautiful, you have to find what really makes you tick and play to that strength. The more you can focus on the things you like, and the more you can notice around you that’s beautiful, the better you will feel. It will take time and it sounds like you are handling some pretty big feelings at the moment, feelings which are overwhelming you but that’s okay too. The one thing I think I can relate to if nothing else is a sense of emotional chaos. I’ve found that the only thing to do with that is let go, again as with the issue of control. Allow for what is, allow it to be and allow it to pass. The passage of time is a great healer on the weary mind. I sense anxiety in you, but I’d say just lean into what you’re feeling and know that you’re handling it as best as you can – I think your mind knows what it’s doing, just help it a little by being kind to yourself. With time and a little wind in your sails, who knows where your little trail of connected dots may lead? All the best for now!

Wow.. this is a complex one isn’t it.. Firstly I’m sorry for your loss over Mimi. It’s hard to lose anyone, and it never helps when issues in life seem to collude and combine their impact. I have to say it seems like there are a few things going on here, but it does sound as though you two have something good. Your own flip between relationship and single status whilst knowing you like your own space is something I can relate to, and given that we’re brought up (should that be indoctrinated?) to believe that we should be in relationships and having kiddies etc.. just compounds problems when you try to ascertain how you feel about yourself and how you perceive your own life. I will start by saying that I don’t think there is just the “one, special person” for anyone. We are all ourselves the sum of many different personality pieces, so it’s only natural that there will be a lot of different people to whom we have greater or lesser compatibility. It does certainly seem as though he is a good alignment though, judging by how you both feel, so take heart in that. So how do we get closer to the issue? Well, I think the only way I can try and help is by being brave and looking a little closer at the two of you as people – for what my own thoughts may be worth.. sadly I too have neither a magic spell or superpowers.

That you yourself are okay in your own space is not something to be underestimated these days. When one of the “right people” does come along I think it’s something of a culture shock for people who are okay in their own space, so I’d say that’s worth reflecting upon (for those who are clingy I would say almost any possible relationship would be perceived more as a dream come true, and they’ll launch themselves into it with no time for inner reflection – I’m pretty confident in this thought because I’ve been there. I have been that clingy person!). Anyway, I’d say that no matter how confident anyone might be within their self, a relationship will always cause a certain rise in personal anxiety – that’s your mindful sense of your own half of responsibility in the relationship. I’m almost sure you’ll have been there with these thoughts though. In a sense my saying that is maybe just me looking back at myself as I reply to this, since I’ve changed over the years from inadvertently clingy to more secure and independent!

For his own behaviour I’m imagining that he’s come from a background where he’s perhaps not been as confident or comfortable in being on his own, and rightly or wrongly he’s been in and out of relationships which have all inflicted random effects upon him – maybe left him feeling even more unsteady about what constitutes a good relationship, and how he might react with a partner – then the two of you magically meet! You do say he’s had a lot more relationships, so I’d say it’s possible that his own sense of inner security is likely to have taken a bit of an unfortunate beating. Any paranoia may simply stem from the patterns he’s known up to now. Maybe before your first split he was nurturing a sense of disbelief in the brilliance of the situation, and some measure of panic that he may stand to lose you just as easily as he may have lost other relationships? Was it his behaviour that split previous relationships, or did he just experience a run of relationships which unfolded badly and left him with a few scary scars? When such feelings do begin to interfere with a relationship (not to mention those compound matters outside the relationship, such as work) I think it’s understandable that things would get mistrustful on both sides. I’m guessing your anger issues are going to make it difficult for things to go smoothly when you talk over fraught matters. For that side of the issue I’d say some introspection is needed (you probably feel this) – not a happy task uncovering things like that, but if I were you (and knowing something of anger issues myself) giving yourself the ability to just pause and allow his words to be heard without instinctively judging and replying emotively would give you space to hold that anger instinct in check and think compassionately about what he’s saying and how you might better reply. I too have had personal experience with the possibility of bipolar. Whether I am or not isn’t something which has been resolved since I haven’t felt it necessary to explore this any deeper than it was at the time, when I had a bad episode of stress a few years back. Buddhist principles have levelled me enough for me to find that space and peace of mind. I would hope that it would be so useful to other people! I assume as you’re here that you practice some “present moment mindfulness” yourself?

Your friends? Well, maybe how your friends have reacted to your relationship has been causing a bit of chaos in your thoughts too? Their initial surprise would be one thing, and they even seem to have been supportive of it initially since you seem to indicate that they perceived the change in you as positive, so I wouldn’t worry too much about how they feel about the two of you splitting up and getting back together. It’s different for everyone and not all roads are smooth, nor do I believe that anything can be inferred by how rough or smooth any relationship goes – they’re all different. I think in the end it’s just whether you feel personally that it’s worth it. It seems that you do since you’re here talking about it! So whilst it may be prudent to use their feelings as a way of balancing your perspective I wouldn’t allow them to affect your choices. I wouldn’t seek to cause any hassles between you and your friends, but you seem to be very much more focussed upon the importance of matters between yourself and your other half over their opinions, and rightly so really since it is your life! Their opinion can carry some value, but I’m not convinced that’s a significant problem to worry about in the here and now.

In the end there seems to be a great deal of care and respect between you two, in spite of the way things unfold. It feels as though there is greatness behind some unhelpful, instinctive habits (his apparent insecurity and your own frustrations). Do the issues surface because you aren’t able to spend enough time together? I feel that your career aspirations might not leave much time. I would try to stop the break up/get back together habit. You don’t say how many times this has happened but it feels like it might be more than a few times and may have become a “go to” habit in itself which the two of you keep falling into – maybe because there’s no one to help mitigate your issues.. it doesn’t sound like there is and that’s probably why you’re here!? I would do all you can to reassure him that your heart is in the right place. Even if he isn’t feeling insecure it’s a nice thing to hear, and I can’t think that it can do anything except pull you closer. I don’t know if this has been helpful – I’ve tried to juggle this as best as I can for an unprofessional reply, but please feel free to come back and let me know your thoughts. 🙂

I’d like to pry a little on a couple of things if that’s ok.. Firstly your work schedules – how much do they compromise your time together? Secondly, how do you and your boyfriend define relationships? I’m making a bit of an assumption that you’re steeped in Buddhism somewhat, but just in case I’d pause to wonder whether you’re focussed too much on him and the things which are blocking connection between the two of you, and allowing them to foster stress between the two of you.. I’m not placing any blame anywhere, but I’m guessing maybe you don’t look much towards the things you like about life yourself, such as hobbies or the things that make you “you”? I can understand how you would naturally focus on the issue of problem connections between the two of you if you do feel that’s missing though, and how it would exacerbate things. How does your boyfriend feel about how the two of you stand? It sounds like you really just need to make some time for the two of you to just sit and talk things through. Depending upon your circumstances and plans as they stand, maybe it’s time for the two of you to up stakes or at least make those plans to do that travelling you’d like to do? 🙂