Grace- First off, I read Anita’s response and she is spot on. I’m going to explain a few things from a guy’s perspective on this and I hope this is of assistance. This is alittle long but you’ll understand why by the end. Stick with me…….. I ran across your article as I am personally at a crossroads like yourself. But my story runs MUCH deeper. When I was 15 (in 1985), I met this girl. Let’s say she was from the other side of the tracks, but that never bothered me. We dated while I was in high school, broke up and I went to college. When I was in college (1990) we reconnected. But when I came home for break, everything felt different. The time and distance I think made both of us feel stale. I finished college and got a job police officer. I loved what I did but I will explain it mentally and emotionally is the most damaging job you can ever experience. There are highs of great arrests, pursuits, saving a life, – it’s a savior feeling I can’t explain. You also are exposed to the ugliest side of life and are witnesses to images I can never forget. But it also gave me life perspective and experience dealing with people…. or so I thought.  Anyways I move on and meet someone who was fun, but deep down, I knew she had an alcohol issue got married because I was going to “Help”. Alcoholism turned into drug issues that brought my job into jepordy while I would come home at 1130pm to an empty house just about every night. The alcohol later became a drug issue (they go hand in hand) and 4 years and we were done. About this time, who do I bump into– that girl from all the way back. We talk, she’s in the middle of a divorce and we connect again.  Here is where what Anita was saying and what I’m going to tell you.  In my heart, I still loved this girl- she was that cute 15-year-old innocent girl and that great girlfriend. But in my gut- in the deepest place of my soul, alarms were sounding. I thought “I can read people… I’ve done it for 20 years as a cop”….. wrong… because it has been an on and off depending on what week it is for the past 8 years and I was so close to it- I couldn’t see what was basically screaming in front of me. I’m 50 years old! I gave my entire life to trying to save a relationship that never should have been. I buried my soul in this toxic relationship because I refuse to give up on that girl I met 35 years ago. My friends saw- they warned me to the n’th degree to get out, you can do better, why won’t after all these years she won’t introduce you to anyone in her family??  She has 3 kids from her marriage who are in their late teens. She has NEVER introduced me to them once (says she needs to be sure we’re stable for that to happen). I’ve NEVER met one person in her family. Supposedly her brothers don’t like me and I’ve never met them. Likewise, my friends and family who I made sure she met everyone- they all hate her. Everyone tells me how toxic this is and get out while you still have time. So we split about 9 months ago.  This corona Virus forced me to self-quarantine whereas she was also, now the calls start about how much she misses me but will consider coming back if I: Lose Weight, Eat Differently, if I do this and that.  I finally realized- that isn’t love. It’s control.  The message I finally have let sink into me is I’m conditionally loved. If I do these things- then I’m worth it. You sound like you’re doing the same thing I started doing 30 years ago and that’s trying to fix something that is already broken. I, Anita, your friends can tell you but you need to stop and just take some time for YOU to think. Take this time alone in pandemic situation and use it to YOUR advantage. Be alone- read some relationship books, talk to friend- but DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM HIM and really focus on you. It took incredible strength for me to finally tell her I can’t do this anymore. I explained my feelings and she utterly ignored what I was trying to tell her throwing in my face she could hook up in 15 minutes if she wanted to. Grace— Do you say that to someone you supposedly love?? It’s beyond disrespectful and I specifically through this emotional tornado- I finally told her- I’m not doing this because I dislike you, but I need to do it for ME. I need to find MY happiness.  I wasted so many good years believing, “just a little more, just give her another chance, another week, and it’ll work out.” I was clear- set the boundaries I would not be there any longer for her, emotionally, financially- nothing. Nor was she going to hear from me.  Grace….. It seems like you’re at that point where you need to know- you have friends that will be there for you and support you. LEAN on them. Do the things you want to experience- take a trip when this pandemic is over. Start hiking and walk alone or with your friend in and take in the beauty in the world. Join a club and learn a new skill. Fill your time because the more you do, the more you’ll respect yourself but more importantly- you’ll meet HEALTHY people. You’ll meet couples and learn what healthy relationships are about.

Grace- I finally see – I deserve better.  YOU Grace deserve better. you’re young and have SOOOOO much ahead of you. I have NOTHING but regret and I can’t get back all those years I wasted my time and energy and how long it took for me to FINALLY realize that the one person in this life you need to make sure is happy is you.  I was blown away with Anitas comments and she is so on point: YOu need to have the people in your life that ADD to your life. In turn, you will ADD to theirs. If they aren’t the person you want, (They drink too much, use drugs (Either of those- RUN because bad will go to worse faster than you will ever believe), if they are not the person you feel in your gut is right for you, let it go. I’ve tried to start to meet people at 50 and it’s impossible. I’ve come to accept and own that I not only alienated some good friends (they were tired of this horror show and finally gave up on me- and I don’t blame them), and passed up a lot of people that would have been healthy, loving, respectful. Please- I know you’ll need to do this at your own pace and time. But begin today! Use this pandemic as a way to distance yourself. But work on falling in love with you!… Then you’ll be open to finding the right person and they will come to you. I will pray for you.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.