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Heartbroken Lost Lonely _ How move on

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  • #346542
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CB:

    You wrote: “I have been looking mindfulness and will continue”, so I did the same this morning and came across this website this morning: positivepsychology. com/ mindfulness- exercises- techniques- activities (no spaces) that offers lots and lots of exercises, lots of information of the scientific/ psychotherapy kind, links to articles and other websites; looks like a very informative, responsible website to me.

    For example, it has a “Mindfulness Techniques for Anger” section. It reads there that mindfulness helps create space between the stimulus (ex: your anger at your ex) and an immediate, impulsive response (in this example, to overthinking).

    The exercise is to sit comfortably, eyes closed, draw in a few deep breaths, think about him leaving you as he did, experience the anger, notice where in your body you feel the anger, “bring compassion to the anger.. remind yourself that anger is a natural human emotion.. Try to hold your anger ‘like a mother cradling a newborn,’ with love and understanding”.

    Next “Say goodbye to your anger, bring your attention back to your breath and rest for a while until your emotions subside, or settle down. Repeat this exercise as many times as necessary. It reads: “Practicing this technique can help you defuse chronic anger in a rather counterintuitive manner”, that is, instead of trying to not feel it, you are inviting it to your awareness, “accepting and mindfully feeling your anger”.

    One of the links it provides is www. mindful. org (again, no spaces), looks like an excellent website with lots of attention to the pandemic, suggesting how to use mindfulness in these difficult times. One of the exercises there is called STOP:

    S- Literally, just stop what you’re doing, rest, pause.

    T- Take a conscious breath, a deeper breath, or two.

    O- Observe what’s in you: thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations. Notice how you can be aware of them without being ruled/ overwhelmed by them, offer self compassion to yourself as you release tension and stressful thoughts..

    P- “Proceed with intentionality, taking the next step in your day from this place of strength, wisdom and presence”.

    If you click on “getting started” at the top  of this website, you can ..well, get started. Also at the top, there is “COVID resources” you can click on, and more.

    There is so much information in these two websites that if you get yourself engaged with the topic of mindfulness, you will be busy for a long, long time, hopefully all the way to the other side of the pandemic!

    anita

     

     

    #346858
    CB
    Participant

    Well the last few days have been hard my mother in law is very ill and the hospital has withdrawn treatment she only has days left during his devastated times I reached out to my ex as I loved his Mum like.my own for all those years  this was not taken very well he told me I cannot distant myself and then text whenever I feel like it

    I was shocked in these terrible times I thought he’s out it all in perspective and that it was kindness and genuine

    This broke me we have a son we share who’s about to lose a man and is struggling.

    Im.lost at what to do and how today my respects so hard

    #346886
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CB:

    I am sorry that you are losing your ex partner’s mother, whom you loved for so long, and without the possibility of saying goodbye (she is dying from Covid-19).

    Your relationship with the this woman’s son= your ex partner= father of your 20 year old- is over. The two of you haven’t been communicating about your relationship for a long, long time, neither one of you willing to communicate at different times.

    I suggest that you text or call him only regarding necessary topics, such as the future selling of your house and financial arrangements.

    Because you are living with your 20 year old, I suggest that you don’t use your son as a listening ear for your complaints about his father, for your emotions of  “Heartbroken Lost Lonely”; in other words, do your very best to not burden and hurt your son with your pain, for your son’s sake.

    Use this thread/ forums to express your emotional pain,  to vent out your feelings: type your feelings away here, anytime.

    anita

    #346866
    GEORGE
    Participant

    CB-

    Listen- He is NOT your friend. He is not going to be your friend either. He’s keeping you calm/stable enough o get what he’s after which is this money. If he’s already at arms length with you and your son- what’s he going to do when he gets his payoff.   This is someone who not only had no problem destroying your life, but your son must be feeling the effects as well. Regarding the equity in the house, RETAIN A LAWYER. Not only will you be protecting you and your son’s future, but you’ll get an outside perspective that may give you more understanding. I’m telling you- something more is going on with him. Up, packed and gone in a day? And never talked to you and said, “look, I’m feeling like this isn’t working out” or something with a little dignity and honor??  Don’t agree to pay him to leave you in the lurch. I’m not saying that from a place of anger, but now is the time you need to protect yourself financially, emotionally and mentally. This pandemic is taking a major toll on EVERYONE. This is a seriously dangerous situation we are all facing and I too have a lot of anxiety- I can’t sleep at night, or I’ll sleep all day. I’m depressed (I live alone) and am dealing with losing a relationship that was on and off for about 35 years. So I know you’re hurting, but I promise you- things will improve for you. But don’t just buy him out – The fact you’re considering giving him a penny is wrong. He wanted out– Take care. That is still the home for you and your son. I will pray for you!

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #346938
    CB
    Participant

    George sorry to hear your on your own and dealing with loss of relationship x 35 year a long time  I am finding it hard after 27 years    we have both agreed on house and finances and I got good advice x what’s your story ?

    I’m ok this evening been very emotional day but I’m trying to have an hour just on me

    #347058
    CB
    Participant

    Well life has well and truly got in way

    My mother in law is not going to make it she’s all alone in hospital and we can’t visit heart breaking

    So bloody I reach out to ex and family as I loved this women for 27 years in devastated but nothing they did not respond not even my ex   in so sad

    #347082
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CB:

    I am sorry that you are going through this unnecessary suffering.

    Because you continuously haven’t responded to my recent messages to you, I don’t want to continue to send you messages. Please continue to post any and every time you feel the need to. I will not respond to your posts further, but I hope that other members will respond to you and that you will find comfort in their responses.

    anita

    #347196
    CB
    Participant

    Anita I wasn’t not replying to your post it’s been a very emotional few day

    Your post really helps me I hope you keep in touch I want to try and move forward and you helped I took your advice and text the family sending my love but they didn’t come back it hurts so much

    As for my son I have not used him as a go between I see he has a good relationship with his Dad and the family so it’s all good

    #347224
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CB:

    I assumed you didn’t like my input and that is why you didn’t mention any of it for quite some time, but if my assumption was wrong, and you do want my input, then you can have more of it. I am glad you don’t use your son as a go between or to vent your feelings of pain and betrayal to him. It is a mistake that many mothers make, using their children as empathetic listeners to their suffering- it hurts the children, young and adult.

    One amazing thing about your story is how smoothly your partner of half a century left you, not looking back, not reconsidering at any point, which again, leads me to think that any considerations and doubts that he had, were settled before he left. When he left, he was sure that it’s what he wanted to do. The pandemic, a shock to many, didn’t shock him enough to reconsider. His mother perhaps dying- didn’t shock him to reconsider.

    And you have no idea how and why it happened, other than it may be an (early) mid life crisis, and when I suggested other reasons for why he left the way he left, you didn’t care to consider those reasons, just wanting to move on.

    It would help me to move on (if I was you) if I understood better. What will help you in your question “How move on” (in the title of your thread)?

    anita

     

    #347092
    nell
    Participant

    Hello to all who are reading,

     

    I too was in a relationship and it ended because i realized basically that we were not moving forward and that in essence the connection was not love but familiarity.  I only came to realize this as i was reading your post CB.  I felt the same as you.  Not understanding how all the things i had done for her how she can just say ok get out we are done.  It happened last week and we were together for 8 years.  I was comfortable in my space with her because it was familiar and i think she was comfortable with my role in her life enough that it made sence for as well.  Now the difference here with me is that my relationship was becoming toxic because i was asking for more which as you have read i was just familiar not the love of her life.  Im not saying you two did not love each other.  I just think there are different levels of love.  After so many years together your level seems on a different level than what his level was and he apparently just wants different right now.  Its hard and it hurts our egos that we aren’t it to these people.  it hurts really badly in fact.  I am having trouble at the moment finding my identity again and trying to socialize since she was main source of socialization.  Also, we were both raising her biological daughter and a foster baby so the noise level and sounds i am around are completely different.  The issue with Covid does not help anything either because we feel lost already and then wow like how do i go through this alone.  I just pray and hope that i find peace with this and that it becomes what it is supposed to be.  hope it gets better.

    #347762
    CB
    Participant

    Anita I feel im stuck in circle it all just goes round as round my head my ex just can not give me answers he just says for him he thinks it’s over and he wants to be independent and that feels right for him he loves me but need to do this.for him he willing to take that risk.  So I need to accept this as I can’t change it it breaks my heart but I don’t want to be stuck and sad i n this constant analizing of what why how and why

    Neil thanks for your comments it’s so hard when your partner turns out to be on a different page to you I too struggling with the social aspects as this was all wrapped up with him and his friends I feel very much alone and this current situation and lockdown is so hard I find it very overwhelming   I am 49 years old how do you start again make new friends I find the though of it very frightening

    #347770
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CB:

    It is possible for a person to be stuck for a long time (I was!) until at one point, you are suddenly not stuck. Well, not exactly suddenly, you work at it and give it time, but when it happens that you notice you are no longer stuck, it feels like a surprise. As in you are so used to being stuck, you can’t imagine being anything but stuck.. and then, surprise! You are no longer stuck!

    anita

    #347930
    CB
    Participant

    Anita I hope that’s true I’ve tried doing mindfulness and keeping myself distracted but I’m so overwhelmed with my feelings at the moment.    another in law being so I’ll and having to contact my ex has been. So hard I’ve tried to be the bigger person but it hurts    I think my ex not changing his mind on our situation after Covid and the his Mum make me see it’s been over for him for  long time     I need to really draw a line under it and start so kindness to myself    or I will become I’ll I find myself becoming very low since lockdown

    #347938
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CB:

    “it’s been over for him for a long time“, but in your mind and heart, it’s been over for a short time- this is why you are still  overwhelmed. You need more time to catch up  to him, so it’s over for you too. To let time do its thing, focus on relaxing best you can. (If you remain very stressed and tense, time will not do its thing!)

    So relax and be very patient. Every time you find yourself stressed and tense, take a few deep breaths and calm down. It is also important that you relax as often as possible so to be healthier than otherwise. Being overwhelmed robs you of the energy and strength you need to heal and keep yourself healthy.

    anita

    #347972
    CB
    Participant

    Yes this is so true I am mentally and physically exhausted this is because my thoughts are over welcomed by him I can’t stop its all why how could be I can’t close my mind to it   it hurts so much and it plays over and over in my mind

     

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