March 27, 2020 at 8:17 am #345734
It is a good thing that you have a good job and if I understand correctly, you are not concerned with suffering financially/ not having a home because of him leaving you.
This man you were with for almost three decades doesn’t want to be with you anymore. He made that very clear.
It will take time to adjust to this reality.
When I used to think of my youth being gone, mostly in emotional pain and distress, alone and lonely, I used to feel great regret for not fully living life, for not achieving what others achieved. Now, having learned all that I learned about life and having seen and adjusted to reality, I no longer feel regret when I look back. Instead I am able to focus on the here-and-now, on the life I have left, the life that is still here to be lived.
I hope you do the same. Do feel free to post here anytime.
anitaMarch 28, 2020 at 3:23 am #345836
Today tough very alone in-laws both in hospital one Covid19 the other Sepsis. Do I call or contact ex. My sons worried they hadn’t contacted me direct don’t know what to doMarch 28, 2020 at 6:07 am #345844
I would contact your parents in law, both of them, if I was you: you took care of the two of them for a long time, built relationships with the two. Your (now ex) partner decided that he doesn’t want you in his life (outside of discussing the most practical things), but it is not his parents who decided that they don’t want you in their lives, is it?
So contact them-if contacting them has to be done through your ex partner, then contact him.
I don’t think that you will be allowed to visit the Covid-19 infected parent who is in the hospital (or that you should, even if you were allowed)- see if you can send him a message somehow, maybe the hospital staff delivers cards to patients, or little gift packages, something you can send to that parent.
March 28, 2020 at 6:24 am #345848
- This reply was modified 10 months ago by anita.
Yes both can not have visitors so very hard they both no how much I love them I just find it hard that ex family do not feel need to keep me updated after all the years of care I have as I love them. I will call the hospital direct and get updates. The whole situation hurts they are all alone that’s the hard thing to acceptMarch 28, 2020 at 8:01 am #345862
You shared that your ex partner is living with his sister. I wonder if your ex partner communicated to you and to his sister that he doesn’t want you to call her home?
I also wonder who is the closest to his parents: is it your ex partner, his sister or another sibling/ family member- whomever is the closest to the parents should be the one you contact, I figure.
anitaMarch 28, 2020 at 8:07 am #345864
My ex would have no.problem with me calling but I have had to take a step back A a it hurts to call and hear him as he’s move forward very fast and seams to be in a good place me and my ex were the closest to both in laws in just hurt that ex shows no respect in these challenging times to keep me informed would take a second to textMarch 28, 2020 at 8:26 am #345866
I suggest you call your ex partner and say something like this to him: I understand that you don’t want me in your life anymore as a partner, and I accept it. I don’t want a man in my life who doesn’t want me back. I am therefore not calling to get back with you, and I will never call for that reason. What I am calling about is your parents. I took care of your parents for a long time and I care for them. I want you or (his sister) to update me about what is happening with them. I want to be able to send them messages (or gifts, whatever is allowed). Can you do this for me?
– if he is just a bit of the good man you said he used to be, then he would say to you: yes, I am sorry I didn’t update you. The latest that happened is… (an update).
March 28, 2020 at 9:10 am #345872
- This reply was modified 10 months ago by anita.
Thanks I will I called the hospital direct and have updates so I’m happy that i am aware of there current status im am totally heartbroken that my partner can change in his treatment of me it’s just unbelievable I always though whatever happened we would at least remain friends I see now that’s not the case I’ve lost my family Best friend Lover and social life . Hes moved out and carried on as normal like he just cut me out and carried on I’m broken aMarch 28, 2020 at 10:02 am #345890
You are welcome. I am sorry that you are heartbroken. I know the experience myself, that of finding it “just unbelievable” that a person behaves a certain way. In my experience, it is not that the person I trusted changed from good to bad, or from loving to .. cruel, but that I didn’t see the person accurately to begin with.
In other words, I don’t think that an adult’s behavior changes suddenly and drastically (except if the person is under the influence of powerful drugs, or if a person suffers brain injury or illness), but that we didn’t really know that person well.
anitaMarch 28, 2020 at 1:14 pm #345920
do you feel that I could have been so blind for 27 years to not see the real person I hope that’s not true I do feel as you said he’s had. mid life crisis and the way he’s acting is the only way he can move forward unfortunately his actions have destroyed my unconditional love and respect for him it’s devastatingMarch 28, 2020 at 3:56 pm #345936
I don’t think you were so blind, maybe partly blind, most of us are partly blind as to who we are and who other people are. If you and I communicated for a while, longer, you and I will be able to see better.
It is not a lack of intelligence that causes us to see less/ to have our eyes partly closed; it’s that we don’t want to see what will make us feel bad.
If you want to explore better, so to see more, let me know.
anitaMarch 29, 2020 at 3:28 am #345984
Im not sure exploring will.help my ex has no explorations for this situation he just said a switch has flicked for him and he needs to do this for himself he need some independence He understands the consequences of his actions but still feels the need to do it I need to decide to move forward and I understand how I can do it He keeps .saying He wants me I his life and to be friends but I’m not sure I have the strength to do thAt it hurts too much to be in touch and see him.move on but I also feel devestted when I’m no in touch so hard
HeMarch 29, 2020 at 6:47 am #345994
I don’t understand the following: on one hand, he keeps telling you that he wants the two of you to be friends ( “he claims he wants to remain friend… keeps saying he wants me in his life and to be friends”),
but on the other hand, he withdrew all contact with you other than discussing practical matters regarding his son, he keeps you at arms length, and he doesn’t even take a moment to text you regarding his parents’ health, one of whom has Covid-19 ( “He’s withdrawn contact unless about practical matters our son who’s 20… left and since held me at arms length… ex shows no respect in these challenging times to keep me informed would take a second to text”)-
– is it that he lied when he said repeatedly that he wants to be friends with you, or is it that you told him that you can’t be his friend because he left you.. or is it something else?
* I am asking because I wonder if better communication with him at this time is possible and if it can result in you feeling better.
anitaMarch 29, 2020 at 10:58 am #346024
I think he felt he could walk away and still maintain a friendship I wanted this for my son but I don’t feel his idea of friendship is the same as mine. He keeps at arms length then if we’re in contact it’s very strained short and can be a t time rude I think for my own mental health reason I need to keep contact to a minimum of finding it to hard and upsettingMarch 29, 2020 at 11:58 am #346042
It is amazing to me that he left without much of an explanation and in such a one-way-street kind of a way, not doubting his decision to leave, not struggling with it. Like you wrote, it’s like he turned off a light switch. (I wonder when he turned it off, maybe way before he actually told you that he was leaving).
It looks like the idea of the two of you communicating any time soon is hopeless, that friendship is highly unlikely, and that neither one of you wants to communicate or be friends. In that case, what can you do other than to relax best you can into this new reality: a new personal reality (your relationship breakup) and a new global reality- the pandemic.
We all have to relax best we can into this new global reality because we can’t make it go away anytime soon. If we get all stressed out and panic, what good will that do- it can only harm and it will not help any.
Same thing regarding your new personal reality- you can’t change it, so relax into it best you can. And post here and elsewhere anytime you’d like.