March 26, 2020 at 10:23 am #345474
I’ve just been through a breakup after 27 years together it was a complete shock to me blindsided. He told me one day he was done he loved me but wanted something different.The next day he moved out. Fast forward 10weeks he’s moved all his stuff out and wants to sell our family home.
My whole world has broken I’m best friends with his sister and he has moved in with her so it’s caused problems there. I was a carer for both of his parents that has stopped and our social life was with all of his friends and there wives I am broken. It’s like.I was living with him one day and he moved out and changed into another person overnight. He’s withdrawn contact unless about practical matters our son who’s 20. It be made me feel redundant and unnecessary I am lost I. My sadness. The world situation with Covid19 has also compounded my sadness as he’s still no been supportive even though he c!aims he wants to remain friend Dont Know who I am without him or his family. Feel broken.March 26, 2020 at 11:48 am #345558
Twenty seven years together is a long time. What a devastation it is to have your life as you knew it gone from underneath you by surprise, not seeing it coming. If you are okay with telling me more, please do. Tell me what happened, looking back in time, what do you think happened to bring this devastation about?
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 12:45 pm #345564
Of course 10 weeks on and I’m still devastated I don’t know what happened we have been together since we were young he feels that he needs something different as he’s only ever been with me he felt we become more friends than partners I didn’t feel that way as there was still a physical relationship over the years we have had our ups and downs but made it through we have had a tough few year parents health. He has made many changes in last few years which I fully supported new job going back uni I think this has changed he’s outlook on life and his feelings for me
I was happy embroiled within his family and friends now I’m lost alone and can’t move forwardMarch 26, 2020 at 1:07 pm #345568
Reads to me like a classic case of a middle age crisis- he noticed he is getting older and asked himself: is this all that there is to life.. there’re got to be something else, something different for me.
That kind of thinking. Maybe seeing his parents aging, getting sick and needing care added to his distress about getting older himself and running out of youth and time.
Do you think that’s the case with him?
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 1:45 pm #345584
Yes he says he wonders of that’s the case of if it’s that he’s only ever had one relationship with me since he was 15 and he’s need to see whatever the consequences. He told me one day moved out next and told me wants sell family home as he needs the equity to move on its all happened so fast and he’s just shut down to me just moved on I’m best friends with his sister but he’s moved in with her so I hadn’t see her I’ve lost my whole world we had things planned and booked it’s so overwhelming I feel so redundant and unnecessary I’ve lost me purpose feel so so sad and cry all the timeMarch 26, 2020 at 1:57 pm #345590
The no brainer part of your situation is that you need to see a good divorce lawyer so to protect your monetary rights regarding property that you own with him and otherwise, maybe you are entitled to spousal support following the separation and what may be a divorce to come.
The fact that he has been with you since he was 15 sits well with the middle age crisis theory. He sees himself at the age of about 52 (15+27), his 20s gone, his 30s… his 40s, and before he gets to be 60 and 70, he wonder how it would be with a different woman. Something different, something new to make him feel young again.
“I feel so redundant and unecessary I’ve lost my purpose and feel so so sad and cry all the time”- I am sorry, CB, that you are hurting so badly. I wish you were not hurting at all, I wish that after 27 years of marriage and you caring for his parents.. I would hope that he was appreciative of you and grateful to you, instead of considering you “redundant and unecessary”.
If he used to be a good man, and you were a good wife to him, I don’t know how it is that he woke up one day and figured that what you feel is not important, and what he feels is the only thing that matters.
Maybe he wasn’t a good man all along, I don’t know.
And you are not redundant and unecessary, even if that’s the case in his mind and heart. You are as necessary as any human, and important no less than any other.
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 2:20 pm #345594
I think that’s what makes it so hard he’s a very good man and very caring he’s never treated me or anyone else this way it’s so out of character we are not married and have a son of 20 he’s been fine about the home I’m staying with our son and will remain there He says that he feels we were living as friends but as I said I didn’t feel that was as we still had a physical relationship. He believes I feel same as him and my pain is for the life we had and not that I want him I hurts me so much to hear him talk that way and totally dismiss how I feel He wil! Not accept that I would have done anything to resolve any issues he was my world. I can see my live without in itMarch 26, 2020 at 2:41 pm #345598
The two of you never married then, 27 years together, since the two of you were teenagers, but never married?
I didn’t understand the last few sentences, they are not written clearly. Can you re-write the part from “He believes I feel same to the last sentence, “I can see my live without in it”?
(I will soon be away from the computer for less than 2 hours)
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 2:45 pm #345606
<p style=”text-align: center;”>He believed when he told.me if be other same place as he is he was surprised at my reaction he doesn’t believe I want him and I can’t imagine any life without him in it</p>March 26, 2020 at 3:15 pm #345612
“he doesn’t believe I want him and I can’t imagine any life without him in it”- this is a severe miscommunication: did he not notice how important he is to you, all these years…?
I know very little of your story. If you want to, if you feel comfortable and would like to share more with me, please do: were you his first girlfriend and he yours; how did it come about that you never got married, is it something he didn’t want; what was the nature of your relationship all these years? And hen you say he is has been “a very good man and very caring” all these years- in what ways has he been very good and very caring to you, to his son, to others?
If you choose to answer these questions, please take your time doing so (don’t rush).
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 4:26 pm #345622
Yes this was his first real relationship \ girlfriend for me I’m 7 years older and have had a few serious boyfriends before him As for getting married we did talk about it but was never too important to us our son came along and then our home we have had a good relationship over the years of course ups and downs but have never talked about ending it as I said over the last 4 to 5 years we have had lots of pressure due to parents needing care and help it was hard but we were both happy to do it I felt this was our time to shine and start putting us first again he is a good man to both me and my son and would do anything for anyone and did this is why this behaviour is so out of character He did not believe I was sad about losing him just our life I guess we have taken each other for granted at times during our relationship but who doesn’t it’s 27 years but never ever did I think he wanted outMarch 26, 2020 at 5:27 pm #345640
I don’t know, CB. If he was a good man all these years, I would think that he would not blindside you and leave you as he did, not explaining much.
I know almost nothing about the nature of your relationship of 27 years. I don’t know why he was surprised that you did care about him (he was surprised at my reaction he doesn’t believe I want him”). I don’t know and what you shared didn’t give me enough information to be guessing beyond what I already guessed (the middle age crisis part-explanation).
Did you and him talk at any time in the history of your relationship about your relationship objectives: what you wanted, and what he wanted from the relationship and from life overall?
March 27, 2020 at 12:36 am #345690
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by anita.
Yes of course year we talked about making more time for just two.if us but life deck for in the way work rasing our son and carering for all 4 parents we had not been arguing or had a conversation of this sort in many years we had started doing things on our own I do believe the change in job and going back to uni has had a massive impact He also has 4 friends that have divorced and moved on with new people last year I guess his prioritise have change where as I’m just the same person I ever was The last few years I’ve have been dealing with the menopause and back injury I think this has been hard he is used to me being the strong caring oceans I’ve needed a bit of support. I feel he’s just cut and run I wanted to talk about it go counselling try and resolve after all the years we spent together I felt it was worth it But he just told me left and since held me at arms length hurtful. I’m so lost and alone locked in our family home with all these memories and with the covid19 lockdown very very isolatedMarch 27, 2020 at 6:55 am #345716
The reason I ask you questions is that when I understand my situation better, it makes me feel better, so I figure that if you understand your situation better, what led to it, you will feel better, and with better understanding, you will be better able to respond to your new situation.
So far, you have shared that your 27 year relationship started when he was 15 and you were 22; you were his first relationship, while you had prior relationships. The two of you didn’t care for getting married, so you didn’t. Seven years into the relationship, you brought a boy into the relationship, now 20. The relationship ended ten weeks ago. He is now about 42 and you are about 49.
He ended the relationship abruptly, telling you that “he was done he loved me but wanted something different”, and the very next day he moved out to his sister’s home. You now live with your son in what you call “the family home”. He told you that he “wants to sell family home as he needs the equity to move on”. Since he left “he claims he wants to remain friend”, but “he’s withdrawn contact unless about practical matters our son who’s 20”, refused going to counseling and he keeps you “at arms length”.
At some point he complained to you that you and him became “more friends than partners”, even though the two of you continued to have a physical relationship. When he left you and you reacted emotionally in an intense way, he told you that he was surprised by your reaction, that he thought that you too felt he was a friend, not a partner.
Events before he left: in the last 4-5 years the two of you experienced “lots of pressure due to parents needing care and help.. caring for all 4 parents” but the two of you talked about “making more time for just two of us.. doing things on our own”, you have been going through menopause and dealing with a back injury. Last year, four of his friends got divorced “and moved on with new people”. He started a new job and went back to University.
If you want to answer the following, please do:
1. Is everything I wrote above accurate?
2. He told you that he wants to sell the home where you are currently living. Where does he expect you (and your son) to live after he sells the home?
3. In the U.S. and other countries, a woman who has been living with a man for a long time has the same legal rights as a married woman, which would mean that you legally own about half of the home where you live, or that you are entitled to about half of the money following the sale of the home. Is this the case where you live?
anitaMarch 27, 2020 at 7:45 am #345726
Yes accurate account. He hoping I can buy him out of the home and give him the equity as I have a good job and could afford to do this. We have no rights here as not married but we both is house and as our sons 20 an adult he is entitled to the equity
when first told me he felt it was over I offered to stay in the house and pay for six months so he could have space and sort his head out he refused and said that wasn’t right as it would be having his cake and eating it said he want an independent live without me and all the responsibility. We only ‘re mortgaged our home 2 months before he told me why would you make that sort of commitment of so unhappy