Forum Replies Created
August 4, 2013 at 10:56 am #39729
Thank you both for the kind words. When I accepted to go out with the new guy I made it clear I was only interested in friendship as getting to know him. I know it’s too soon for me, I don’t think he understands because he keeps trying to get closer to me, and I am just not feeling it at all.
With my ex, I know how innapropriate it was of me to tell me all of those things and that he just said out of jelousy and I probably shouldn’t haven’t messaged him. It was a silly attempt at being civil. Letting go of him has been the biggest challenge and I wish I could make it quicker and I can’t and the only way I can feel safe right now it’s by protecting my personal boundaries 🙂 thanks for the ongoing encouragement!
Means a lot,
GinaAugust 3, 2013 at 9:57 am #39684
There is a book called facing love addiction ny Pia Mellody I read not long ago…it describes the relationships between love addicts and love avoidants and the cycles they go through. Your story really brought the book back to my mind. Losing someone you love soo deeply hurts like crazy and it can make you feel like life is over because it will never be as colourful again, it will never be as exciting…and I cant tell you that it will because I am just finding out myself right now, but the only thing I have found helps me make peace with my situation is remembdering that no matter how great it feels to be with him and how much I really really do love him, I need to love myself more…you don’t need someone who will draw you in and push you away, it is painful, I know. I know just how painful..but you have to think of yourself as someone outside of you who you really love and you must protect at all costs, and you have to protect you from the turmoil he has and can put her through.
Best of luck, you are not alone!
GinaJuly 22, 2013 at 10:24 am #39054
Matt and E,
I am so blessed to receive your guidance, truly. I will keep working on my self-acceptance and carry on with my path and my journey and wait for what adventures come next, and trust that life will eventually take the pain of missing him away. My understanding of condependancy is that is a life long challenge. It is so easy to default on to old patterns just like alcohol is to alcoholics, so it is something that I have to stay mindful of. I think I am a little afraid to fully let go, to fully close the door and accept that he will never be part of my life again and that I may never see him smile or hear him sing out of tune, and may not have the reward of him accepting my apology, but I can focus on reminding myself I deserve a different kind of life and just because he rejected, doesnt mean I should too and just because HE couldn’t love me doesnt mean no one else can, me most of all. I just have to find a way to really get there. Sounds very easy when I say it out loud..and my self-worth and self-steem issues go back for me long before this person came along. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and developed a sort of touch phobia as a result..I don’t find it easy to let people get close to me but with I chose him to let in, and I guess I got to the point where I thought if I wanted to give him sooo much of myself and had so much “love” to give him and not even all of my love is enough to earn a little bit of his, then I dont have any hope. So you see, I now know just how capable of acceptance and loving I am, I just have to find a way to translate it inwards, to truly do it not just say the words because I am an expert at that, and it is definitively a lot easier said than done and I am aware it may take me years but I think I have a good place to start.
lots of love,
GinaJuly 22, 2013 at 4:41 am #39049
It’s amazing how easily your words are helping let go of the anxiety I feel.
I have forgiven him and I see him in a compassionate light. Up until
very recently I still thought I had failed at earning his affection. i ran jnto him while he was on a date with someone (he brought her to a restaurant located on the ground floor of my building) and he seemed so loving and affectionate towards her, and I thought “that is always what I wanted from him, why couldn’t he give me that? and i resented him and beat myself up for not having known how to “bring that out in him. You see, he always kept our relationship a secret, so we only spent time together at his place, for a long time I thought he was ashamed of me and that’s why he kept me a secret. Later I found out that it was because our relationship was actually his secondary relationship, his primary one was with a girl who is in a long term committed relationship. When I found out about that relationship, he told me he was in love with her, and I felt soo worthless because he could love a taken woman that wouldn’t commit to him but not me..
Now I understand it was never about me, he was living his own process and he couldn’t love me, not because I am not worthless and not loveable and it was never my job to “earn” affection from him, he doesn’t feel loveable himself and he is dealing with addiction and with rejection as much as I was and while I am not excusing him, I can now understand he is doing the best he can but no “love” from him towards anyone will be sincere and healthy love until he learns to love himself.
Although I understand I cannot worry about his process and his feelings, understanding his part in hurting me has helped me not feel so rejected and unloved by him and in turn not have just a burning need for his affection.
Now, it’s all about learning how to detach from the need of his approval in all ways…when I can forgive myself and love myself. the tricky part is avoiding falling on my defaults. I still wake up startled at night and reach for my phone, thinking the only way to relieve the physical pain I feel, the pressure on my chest is if I tell him how sorry I am and how much I really do care about him. Then I remember I can’t and I cry..until I can bring myself back to the present moment and remember I made this choice and everything is fine, I can breathe without pain and pressure on my chest.
I am not going to deny that feeling his hatred and resentment toward me hurts because then all my financial, emotional, physical investment in him went to waste or it feels like: “all of my love wasn’t enough to stop him from hating me”. I just have to breathe and remember his feelings are not my responsibility and probably have very little to do with me. this a lot easier said than done. Sigh, I am sooo grateful there were two very very generous loving people out there to remind me and offer me soo much compassion and wisdom. I really hope I can take my experience to help people live their process and empower themselves to take charge of their life and happiness like I am being helped to do.
Thank you a million times, thank you
GinaJuly 21, 2013 at 10:19 pm #39039
Thank you Matt!
I am working through Pia’s book, I hadn’t really thought of my yearning for his forgiveness that way but it makes total sense. It’s hard to hear that what I had with him was a very dysfunctional pattern where he needed me to enable him and I need him to approve of me to feel worthy in any way, and not love. When I exposed what he was doing I didn’t do it to get back at him and even then I tried to justify his actions so he wouldn’t get fired (even then I was trying to be “lovable” to him) He used to manipulate me by threatening to hate me and it worked…the tricky part for me now is that I have to see him and seeing him stirs things up for me..when you are an alcoholic or a drug addict you stay away from the substance forever….when you are addicted to a person or their approval and they work with you and live a block away from you it gets a bit more difficult. Also because I understand how easily transferable it is…I don’t do things that I don’t think my friends will approve of. I don’t want to be addicted to approval anymore though!
He does have a lot of issues but I finally understand that I can’t fix them and trying only exhausts me and prevents me from helping the only person I can help: me.
I will work on my self acceptance and on forgiving myself for not having been able to protect myself before…forgiving him was easy but now I have to work on not needing to be needed by anyone but me.
Thank you for your words Matt, they really did open my eyes to a whole other perspective that helps me understand this element of my recovery better and not sugar coat it as needing closure.
GinaJuly 21, 2013 at 4:59 pm #39030
Thank you sooo much for your words. I am sorry to hear you had such bad experiences and went through so much pain. I do know how hard it is to pick up and keep going and I didn’t go through a divorce. I know I can’t control his feelings, I know they are none of my concern. I just need to learn how to care for myself and protect my feelings when he is around. I think you are bang on when you say he is not accepting his responsibility in the consequences of his actions, but I can’t do the same and blame him for not letting me have closure I want and not being happy because of it.
I may never be able to tell him I am sorry, but I can find peace is continuing to love myself and heal..
Thanks again for sharing your experience with me and for your compassion,