August 3, 2013 at 9:21 am #39680GinaParticipant
I posted here a little while ago about how to be ok with not getting closure when I ended a codepandant relationship I was in. It has been incredibily hard but I am have been surviving and trying to look ahead. I was asked out by a someone I met a couple of weeks ago and I decided to go as I saw no possible harm. I ended up running into my exboyfriend and it turned out the two of them knew each other. My date went to the washroom and my ex basically told me he misses me and asked me if I ever wonder if things could have been different and then asked me not to get closer because he would be all over me. I know this is probably what he wanted but he got in head..I finally sent him that message telling him hat I have no hard feelings and I wish him all the best and he didnt respond….the other guy has been really patient and caring and has shown a huge amount of interest in me but the closer he tries to get to me the more I miss my ex. I dont want to push him away but when he tries to kiss me or touch me I feel wrong, I feel like I only want my ex to ever do that. I miss him soo much its hasrd to breathe sometimes, I hadnt been crying this much in a long time and since that night he said all of those things, I am angry at myself that he can just waltz right back into my mind and heart like that, and I will never feel like I did with him, like I am destined to miss him forever. I dont want to hurt the new guy, he is really sweet but I dont think I cant reciprocate either, I want to be honest but I am afraid of telling I am still madly devastingly in love with my abusive ex. What should I do?August 3, 2013 at 9:40 am #39683EParticipant
I really don’t think you allowed yourself enough time to heal…it’s too soon. Remember when someone realizes what they lost they want it back for their own purposes…who’s to say that you go back and he changes again…I’m proud of you that you haven’t gone back…you really shouldn’t have sent him a text because it places you back where you were,regardless of what you texted . You can do this! You are strong! I think you were use to him being around….very different from loving someone. You need to focus on you and talk to new guy and tell him how you feel. And when I say how you feel, I mean about your feelings for him and this new relationship, not your ex…the past is the past and if your ex sees things now that’s good but why tell you now just because he saw you with someone else. He has had all this time to talk to you and hasn’t even bothered until now…he wants what he knows he can’t have anymore..his loss not yours….good luck and time is your best friend…it’s hard I know but you’ll be better off without him and loving yourself in the end.eAugust 3, 2013 at 11:14 am #39686MattParticipant
I agree with E, her advice seems sound. Consider that when your ex approached you in the restaurant, he was invading a boundary, which put your mind into chaos. If you need time with the new guy, take it. Its fine to go slow… just try not to backpedal into giving up your boundaries and letting the ex back in like that. His action in approaching you like that does not come across as affectionate, it comes across as petty, jealous and manipulative. Perhaps think of the action as an “anticoagulant” like a mosquito uses to prevent our blood from clotting so they can drink more. The resulting downward spiral is like the itch from the bite.
MattAugust 4, 2013 at 10:56 am #39729GinaParticipant
Thank you both for the kind words. When I accepted to go out with the new guy I made it clear I was only interested in friendship as getting to know him. I know it’s too soon for me, I don’t think he understands because he keeps trying to get closer to me, and I am just not feeling it at all.
With my ex, I know how innapropriate it was of me to tell me all of those things and that he just said out of jelousy and I probably shouldn’t haven’t messaged him. It was a silly attempt at being civil. Letting go of him has been the biggest challenge and I wish I could make it quicker and I can’t and the only way I can feel safe right now it’s by protecting my personal boundaries 🙂 thanks for the ongoing encouragement!
Means a lot,