Thank you both for the kind words. When I accepted to go out with the new guy I made it clear I was only interested in friendship as getting to know him. I know it’s too soon for me, I don’t think he understands because he keeps trying to get closer to me, and I am just not feeling it at all.
With my ex, I know how innapropriate it was of me to tell me all of those things and that he just said out of jelousy and I probably shouldn’t haven’t messaged him. It was a silly attempt at being civil. Letting go of him has been the biggest challenge and I wish I could make it quicker and I can’t and the only way I can feel safe right now it’s by protecting my personal boundaries 🙂 thanks for the ongoing encouragement!
Means a lot,
Gina

Matt and E,

I am so blessed to receive your guidance, truly. I will keep working on my self-acceptance and carry on with my path and my journey and wait for what adventures come next, and trust that life will eventually take the pain of missing him away. My understanding of condependancy is that is a life long challenge. It is so easy to default on to old patterns just like alcohol is to alcoholics, so it is something that I have to stay mindful of. I think I am a little afraid to fully let go, to fully close the door and accept that he will never be part of my life again and that I may never see him smile or hear him sing out of tune, and may not have the reward of him accepting my apology, but I can focus on reminding myself I deserve a different kind of life and just because he rejected, doesnt mean I should too and just because HE couldn’t love me doesnt mean no one else can, me most of all. I just have to find a way to really get there. Sounds very easy when I say it out loud..and my self-worth and self-steem issues go back for me long before this person came along. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and developed a sort of touch phobia as a result..I don’t find it easy to let people get close to me but with I chose him to let in, and I guess I got to the point where I thought if I wanted to give him sooo much of myself and had so much “love” to give him and not even all of my love is enough to earn a little bit of his, then I dont have any hope. So you see, I now know just how capable of acceptance and loving I am, I just have to find a way to translate it inwards, to truly do it not just say the words because I am an expert at that, and it is definitively a lot easier said than done and I am aware it may take me years but I think I have a good place to start.
Thanks again.
lots of love,
Gina

Thank you Matt!
I am working through Pia’s book, I hadn’t really thought of my yearning for his forgiveness that way but it makes total sense. It’s hard to hear that what I had with him was a very dysfunctional pattern where he needed me to enable him and I need him to approve of me to feel worthy in any way, and not love. When I exposed what he was doing I didn’t do it to get back at him and even then I tried to justify his actions so he wouldn’t get fired (even then I was trying to be “lovable” to him) He used to manipulate me by threatening to hate me and it worked…the tricky part for me now is that I have to see him and seeing him stirs things up for me..when you are an alcoholic or a drug addict you stay away from the substance forever….when you are addicted to a person or their approval and they work with you and live a block away from you it gets a bit more difficult. Also because I understand how easily transferable it is…I don’t do things that I don’t think my friends will approve of. I don’t want to be addicted to approval anymore though!
He does have a lot of issues but I finally understand that I can’t fix them and trying only exhausts me and prevents me from helping the only person I can help: me.
I will work on my self acceptance and on forgiving myself for not having been able to protect myself before…forgiving him was easy but now I have to work on not needing to be needed by anyone but me.
Thank you for your words Matt, they really did open my eyes to a whole other perspective that helps me understand this element of my recovery better and not sugar coat it as needing closure.
Best wishes,
Gina