Just wanted to give an update. You were right, Anita. It didn’t matter what I said to him. He played the victim and accused me of giving up too soon, even though I have been trying to fix our marriage for YEARS. We went to see a counselor yesterday, and even in front of her, he was abusive and manipulative. I could see in her eyes that she felt pity for me and completely grasped where I stood. I have asked him to move out of our house, which will happen this weekend. I am taking my power back, and I have never felt better! I am truly excited for the future and to be free to be my true self.

Great point. You’re right, nothing I say will fix anything. I’m not sure there is anything I can say that he wouldn’t dismiss. Maybe I could frame what I say around being fair to him, like it not being fair to him to waste his time with me when I am fully invested in the marriage any more.

I think when I’m around him I see glimmers of positive things and hold onto them, like if he is being attentive or takes time to play with the kids. I care for him and don’t wish anything bad on him, but I’m not sure I love him anymore. I definitely don’t feel the same way about him that I used to. I’m sure some of it is attachment. We have been together since I was 19 (now 30), so I have never really been an adult without him.

Dear Anita,

I haven’t been for a couple of months since my work schedule has been hectic, but I’m hoping to get back soon. I miss going. It really helps. I feel confident about divorcing him when I’m not near him, but then when he is around, I again start to feel hopeful and doubt my decision to leave. Is that normal? Any advice for dealing with that struggle?

Are my expectations unrealistic?

So maybe emotionally abusive is more accurate. He as been verbally abusive (name calling and such) before but during a terrible argument. He does use a harsh tone much of the time with the kids and me, and just tells me to get over it. That’s just how he talks to everyone. What gets me the most is feeling dismissed and diminished about my feelings, opinions, and dreams. It’s always about him and when I push for something I want, he finds a way to make me feel guilty. I have a masters degree and never planned to stay home full time, but he has insisted on it and made me feel like a terrible mom for choosing to work. I have spent our entire marriage supporting him and building him up to create a great career for himself. I don’t get that in return. When I try to discuss my feelings or needs, I’m told I am too sensitive or too needy. So then I just feel like I should keep everything to myself. I don’t know if it is technically abuse, but it doesn’t feel good. I never want to open up to him anymore because I don’t want to be criticized or have him steal the joy from something good.

Thanks for your response, Anita. So I actually begged him to go to counseling with me a few years ago, and he told me I needed to go on my own to fix myself since I was the one with all the issues. I believed him and stared going alone, and the better I feel about my own mental state, the worse I feel about my marriage. I definitely should have pressed the issue more before giving another chance. When I told him I couldn’t do this anymore, he said he would go to counseling with me even though he thinks it’s lame. But he told me to set it up, but it had to be after his work day and he couldn’t guarantee he would be there. Maybe I should set up a session for when he gets back from the work trip and make it non-negotiable?