Forum Replies Created
June 1, 2020 at 3:58 pm #357381
I feel you may have hit the nail on the head. It was a serious, committed relationship on my end and I saw a future and didn’t necessarily hide that fact.
She did to an extent too but I feel once the honeymoon period had ended for her and reality began to set in, she got scared of such serious commitment.
She’d expressed that she wasn’t ready for something so serious and I had agreed to give her more space to herself between the first and second break up but whenever I would do that, she would get upset at me like I didn’t care about her. A lot of mixed signals from someone who I still believe doesn’t know what she actually wants.
I believe that has been part of my struggle. I feel she had led me to believe she felt similarly to me and I felt safe to express my more serious emotions but then she realised she wasn’t ready or it wasn’t what she wanted/needed right now and she was able to remove feelings and I’ve been left stuck trying to resolve the feeling of having lost someone who I thought could be “the one”May 31, 2020 at 7:54 pm #357341
That is the thing, it actually was a good relationship in my view. She’d even said to me about how good it was.
This person that I have been dealing with ever since the break up, is not the person I was in love with.
It very well could be a side of herself that I was excluded from previously as I was fulfilling a need of hers until I no longer was and now I’m seeing this other person.
She seems to need instant gratification and struggles with sitting with her thoughts and feelings therefore filling the void ASAP whilst shoving down all negatives feelings in the process and never actually addressing anything.
Im not sure if I believe in karma or not but I feel she is in line for a dose of itMay 31, 2020 at 2:34 pm #357320
Yes she is now in a committed relationship with someone new. It absolutely goes against everything she had previously told me.
when questioned about it, she told me she went on a lot of dates and met a lot of people and is now in a relationship, mentioning that the dynamic is just different.
what I believe the case to actually be is that she is the kind of person who can’t actually handle being “alone”.
all of this in the space of about a month.
what I meant be her “getting away with it”, is that she has been completely self serving, only considering her own wants/needs/feelings. I have been shattered by the events that have unfolded but she has moved on extremely quickly with seemingly no effects of her actions. She’s now happy in a relationship again and I’m still trying to heal.
I told her one of my main concerns is for her children, who will suffer as a consequence of her selfish actions, having a rotating door of people for them to get attached to then lose. She says “the kids are fine!” I can’t believe how selfish/self centred she is in this regard. I told her as much in my very last correspondence with her.May 30, 2020 at 8:50 pm #357279
Thank you for the suggestion.
I am open to trying anything At this point as I am finding it hard to break my thought patterns still.
In further developments I have found out my ex has now entered into another relationship with another woman, so this explains a lot of her shut down in regard to me in the last few weeks.
I asked her why tell me she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but then enter into another relationship and her reply was simply “the dynamic is different”
I pointed out that she’s repeating the patterns she had told me she wanted to avoid and she is well aware of that and brushes it off as “It’s not about you as a person, it’s me” and “I am messed up in the head and just leave it at that”
It is personal to me and I feel frustrated because I feel she is “getting away with it” with little to no repercussions.
Anyway, thank you for the responses and suggestions. I want to make active efforts to change my thoughts and feelings as it is exhausting.May 21, 2020 at 1:40 pm #356312
So the meet up has come and gone.
I don’t think I was truly open to hearing the things you had said, Anita.
so many of them have hit home for me now.
the meet up was as amicable as it could be considering the events leading up to it. She was very emotionally closed off and we ended up having to meet up again 3 days later as she had forgotten some of my things. Again she was very emotionally closed off.
Any contact we have had in that time and since has been abrupt and like I’m an inconvenience.
after we had said our goodbyes, she contacted me to let me know about a health scare she had.
I reached out to her to offer comfort and support and even in amongst that, she removed all emotion from it.
being talked to like I mean nothing and meant nothing has absolutely broken my heart further.
it’s now been 10 days since I’ve seen her and 6 days since we’ve had any kind of contact.
ive also now removed her from all of my social media accounts.
she did tell me that what she wants now is to have “adventure and fun” so in other words, to go out and have “emotionless sex”.
so again, you were absolutely right.
I’m trying to make peace with all of this and come to terms with it but am finding it very difficult.
The thing I can’t grasp is how she has seemingly flicked a switch and in the time since the break up has talked to me in a way she never had before. It’s so blunt and emotionless and has made me feel like crap.
Im not sure if it’s a coping mechanism on her part as I know she is a person who carries a lot of guilt for hurting others. Out of sight, out of mind maybe?
Anyway I am struggling. I think about her every single day from the moment I wake up. I miss her kids and the bond I had formed with them.
i feel like I have a lost a lot from this relationship, perhaps more than I have in other break ups. I just wanna get her out of my head like she has obviously gotten me out of hers.May 1, 2020 at 5:19 pm #352538
Turns out you couldn’t have been more correct Anita.
I ended up hearing from her a week before we were meant to get back in touch. She just wanted to reconfirm to me she was ok with her decision still and didn’t want me to to spend the week hoping for something that wasn’t going to happen.
I was obviously upset by this. Her interaction with me was pretty void of emotion and I even pointed that out to her. She says she was trying to keep things “on point” to avoid an emotional roller coaster. I can’t help but be filled with emotions when talking to her and it fuels those emotions more when she seems to be so emotionless.
She tried to bring one of our friends into this by saying she could give all my things to this friend so she could avoid a possible confrontation with me. I made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else involved in this. I feel she is avoiding facing me as she feels guilty for hurting me and knows it will be harder to hide emotions face to face, where she doesn’t have the Protection of a phone to hide behind.
To me, I still feel I need the face to face closure and I also want her to face the consequences of her actions. Things are the way they are now because of her and I feel she is trying to avoid that at all costs.
I don’t want confrontation either, I just want a chance to see her again for what could possibly be the last time and say goodbye. I feel it’s the most amicable way to part.
I think I’ll always have a piece of me that hopes with time, she will realise how amazing we were together and she would like to try again but I know I can not wait for something that is not likely to come.April 27, 2020 at 9:52 pm #351850
Thanks for your suggestions Anita. I am fortunate enough to have a support network of friends who have encouraged me to get out of the house(as much as is possible with all going on in the world currently)
so I have been going on walks with a friend and will be returning to work tomorrow, which should also aid in keeping my mind busy.
One other aspect of this, as you mentioned earlier that she put her sexuality/own needs before her children’s needs, this is something she had brought up during the break up. That she feels she needs to put their needs first now and I completely agree that that should be the case.
I feel part of the reasoning behind the breakup is she feels she can’t sustain a relationship whilst trying to put them first. I’m not sure if that’s an excuse or a genuine feeling of hers.
I did a lot for her children in the short time I was around including taking time off to mind them, buying them birthday presents, being there for them to play or interact with. I just don’t see how I was a hindrance in them coming first.April 27, 2020 at 6:39 pm #351826
I still have a glimmer of hope that I can’t help but hold onto that this time and space will cement her feelings either way and I am holding on to that to get that closure when I see her in a couple of weeks.
In the meantime I’m in this limbo where all I do is think about her and the what if’s and how is she feeling whilst knowing I won’t get any answers.
I feel like the things you have said definitely give me some food for thought and things to take with me when I do meet up with her.
She has a lot more to distract her mind in this time with full time work and being surrounded by her children constantly.April 27, 2020 at 4:19 pm #351812
Thank you for responding Anita 🙂
I think my main concern around staying in her life is that she will move on and I will be stuck pining for a reunion of our romantic relationship. It’s something that’s already in the back of my mind while we have this space from each other.
Yes I spent many nights at her place and with her children. I formed a bond with them so feel I am also losing them from my life, it’s hard for me to deal with. It was never my idea to meet them so soon or to be integrated into their lives as quickly as I was.
As we have stopped being in direct contact, I have been checking in on her social media(without commenting or “liking” things) and she has been posting a lot about how she’s miss independent, being alone is important and appearing super happy and zen. I wonder if it’s a front for how she’s really going or if she’s putting it into the universe so it becomes her reality.
I guess seeing her like that whilst knowing my reality since our seperation(many tears, low motivation, anxiety) makes me question her true feelings.
We have agreed to reconnect in 2 weeks so I can collect my things so I know there will be no contact until that point. I’m at a genuine loss as to what the right thing to do is, not only for her and her children but for myself. I don’t want to lose her completely but I’m not sure I can bare to be only her friend.