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Struggling to accept good relationship ending

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  • #357307
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Greed4UrLove:

    You are welcome. “my ex has now entered into another relationship with another woman”- a serious relationship? Her getting into an emotional, committed relationship contradicts what she told you earlier (“she did tell me that what she wants now is to have ‘adventure and fun’ so in other words, to go out and have ’emotionless sex'”).

    “I feel she is ‘getting away with it’ with little to no repercussions”- I think I know what you mean by it, but I am not sure:  can you tell me specifically what she is getting away with?

    anita

    #357320
    Greed4UrLove
    Participant

    Yes she is now in a committed relationship with someone new. It absolutely goes against everything she had previously told me.

    when questioned about it, she told me she went on a lot of dates and met a lot of people and is now in a relationship, mentioning that the dynamic is just different.
    what I believe the case to actually be is that she is the kind of person who can’t actually handle being “alone”.

    all of this in the space of about a month.
    what I meant be her “getting away with it”, is that she has been completely self serving, only considering her own wants/needs/feelings. I have been shattered by the events that have unfolded but she has moved on extremely quickly with seemingly no effects of her actions. She’s now happy in a relationship again and I’m still trying to heal.

    I told her one of my main concerns is for her children, who will suffer as a consequence of her selfish actions, having a rotating door of people for them to get attached to then lose. She says “the kids are fine!” I can’t believe how selfish/self centred she is in this regard. I told her as much in my very last correspondence with her.

    #357336
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Greed4UrLove:

    Reads like she is selfish and self centered when it comes to her kids, like you wrote, “having a rotating door of people for then to get attached to then lose”. Too bad for her kids.

    “the dynamic is just different”- that’s a non-explanation, a meaningless something that she told you.

    She is getting away with her selfishness with her children because it’s not illegal (and even if it was  illegal, the police is otherwise occupied these days, at least in the US), and it’s not illegal to lie, or to not tell the truth, as she does with you, so she gets away with it.

    I don’t know if it was a good relationship (as your title indicates)- was it a good relationship, now that you are looking back at it?

    anita

     

    #357341
    Greed4UrLove
    Participant

    That is the thing, it actually was a good relationship in my view. She’d even said to me about how good it was.

    This person that I have been dealing with ever since the break up, is not the person I was in love with.
    It very well could be a side of herself that I was excluded from previously as I was fulfilling a need of hers until I no longer was and now I’m seeing this other person.

    She seems to need instant gratification and struggles with sitting with her thoughts and feelings therefore filling the void ASAP whilst shoving down all negatives feelings in the process and never actually addressing anything.

     

    Im not sure if I believe in karma or not but I feel she is in line for a dose of it

    #357365
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Greed4Love:

    I want to see if I can figure out something new, so I re-read your posts. A little summary:

    Relationship: Oct 2019- April 22, 2020 (six months), including you staying in her home with her children many nights, forming relationships with her children.

    You: mid-thirties, came out in about 2004 (teenage), separated from an emotionally abusive girlfriend of 8 years.

    She: mid-thirties, came out in 2019 (mid-thirties), separated from husband of 9 years (two children) Sept 2019, started relationship with you the month after, Oct 2019.

    She broke up with you once in March and a second time on April 22. The reason for the breakup, she said: needing to be alone. Later stated that she should date different women and have emotionless sex, later she entered a new monogamous relationship with another woman, with whom, she says, “the dynamic is just different”.

    My thoughts this morning: I think that when you met her and entered a relationship with her, for you, she was the One and the relationship was It. You were willing to settle with her and her children for life. She realized at one point on that you are more serious about her and the relationship, and she felt trapped in your expectations of a lifetime, and-they-lived-happily-ever-after life with her. So she broke up with you, telling you that she wants to be alone.

    Maybe she did consider dating different women and having emotionless sex, and, like she told you, she “went on a lot of dates and met a lot of people”, one of whom is a woman who didn’t give her the vibes of someone serious who is looking for a lifetime relationship. That may be what she meant by “the dynamic is just different”.

    This is the  best explanation I can come up with, at this point.

    I agree with you that she has trouble being alone. I figure she is not into dating multiple women and having emotionless sex, that she feels the need to be in a monogamous relationship, but not with a woman who is very serious about her. Does this make sense to you?

    anita

     

    #357381
    Greed4UrLove
    Participant

    I feel you may have hit the nail on the head. It was a serious, committed relationship on my end and I saw a future and didn’t necessarily hide that fact.

    She did to an extent too but I feel once the honeymoon period had ended for her and reality began to set in, she got scared of such serious commitment.
    She’d expressed that she wasn’t ready for something so serious and I had agreed to give her more space to herself between the first and second break up but whenever I would do that, she would get upset at me like I didn’t care about her. A lot of mixed signals from someone who I still believe doesn’t know what she actually wants.

    I believe that has been part of my struggle. I feel she had led me to believe she felt similarly to me and I felt safe to express my more serious emotions but then she realised she wasn’t ready or it wasn’t what she wanted/needed right now and she was able to remove feelings and I’ve been left stuck trying to resolve the feeling of having lost someone who I thought could be “the one”

    #357387
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Greed4UrLove:

    Reads to me that you did everything right in regard to her and the relationship ended through no fault of your own. When she expressed to you that she wasn’t ready for something so serious, you responded by giving her more space. When you did that, she complained that you didn’t care about her. So.. nothing you could have done to make the relationship work.

    You’ve been “left stuck trying to resolve the feeling of having lost someone who (you) thought could be ‘the one'”- here is my theory (based on the fact that we all want more of a good feeling): during the time you were with her, you believed from one point on that she is the one. A wonderful, powerful, intoxicating feeling attached itself to this belief.

    Fast forward, she broke up with you twice, now in a relationship with someone new, but you still believe that she is the one. What motivates you to  hold on to this belief is the hope of re-experiencing that intoxicating feeling.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #357417
    Greed4UrLove
    Participant

    the feeling that she is “the one” is ever so slowly fading from my mind. How could that person for me treat me the way that she has over the past weeks? This person I am seeing now is not someone I want in my life and I have taken steps to remove her how I can.

    id never felt like I’d met “the one” before so it was a new feeling for me that I do fear I will not feel again. Also with how strongly I felt this, I feel almost foolish for being so wrong about it.

    #357421
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Greed4UrLove:

    “I’d never felt like I’d met ‘the one’ before.. with how strongly I felt this, I feel almost foolish for being so wrong about it”- that you felt it and so strongly, it doesn’t mean to me that you were foolish, not at all. It means to me that you are beautiful for wanting the-one so strongly. So many people don’t want the-one, they want this one and that one, and then the other one…I know how it feels to be one of those one’s: a no-one to someone.

    It is beauty within you that I see about you feeling the way you did.

    There were things about her that caused you to feel this feeling, so this feeling that she was the-one was not without a foundation. But then, there were things about her that took that foundation away from under you, and you were left kind of suspended in air.

    Let yourself slowly reach a new foundation, that of knowing that you are beautiful, not foolish, and that you do want the one, and therefore you can look  for her.  You will take your time getting to know a woman in a variety of contexts, before you get emotionally overly invested, build that foundation underneath and one day, you will trust that foundation and she will be indeed the one.

    anita

    #357461
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    Hi GreedyForUrLove

    Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread. I have been reading along as another gay woman and though the circumstances of my experience with heartbreak are different it has been helpful for me to read Anita’s responses. Your feeling of being foolish after investing so much of yourself into this relationship really struck a cord with me. Like you I met someone I thought was the one that looking back clearly wasn’t, but the intensity of feeling from my end was so strong and I get frustrated with myself that I still think about her a lot even 7 months after we broke up.

    I agree with Anita that you are beautiful for opening your heart to another person in this way. Loving someone like that is not something everyone can or is willing to do and you should hold onto that. Someone is going to be very lucky to receive it again one day and unlike this person they will cherish it. I hope the same for me. Sending you strength and love as you continue to heal.

    #357508
    Greed4UrLove
    Participant

    Thank you for constantly taking the time to reply thoughtfully to my messages, Anita.

    I feel at the beginning, I just wanted to hear what I wanted to hear and now I am more open and accepting to the “hard truths” of this situation as my ex slowly showed her true colours to me.

    Your questions and opinions have been very welcomed by me and also very helpful as I navigate this heart break. I genuinely thank you for the time you have spent on this topic.

    Adelaide1, I’m really sorry you have also felt the loss of someone you felt could be “the one”.
    thank you for taking the time to read this thread and for your kind words.

     

    Even though our situations may not be exactly the same, it sounds like the end result is very similar. I hope you have found some solace here 🙂

     

     

    #357515
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Greed4UrLove:

    You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation.

    “I am more open and accepting to the ‘hard truths’ of this situation”- it is almost always healing to become open to see all aspects of a situation, the soft and the hard, and then to accept all aspects that we cannot change.

    You wrote earlier, “I have been shattered by the events that have unfolded but she has moved on extremely quickly with seemingly no effects of her actions”- you’ve been shattered by the events but you are also learning from the events, from what happened with her. And you will be moving on to a better life experience. On the other hand, she is learning nothing, all she is doing is “filling the void ASAP” (your words).

    You are welcome to post here again anytime, or to not post if it would help you to move your attention away from the topic. It’s been meaningful for me to communicate with you. I appreciate your honesty and kindness.

    anita

    #357541
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    Greed4UrLove, likewise – thanks for the kind words! I have indeed found solace on this forum; people are really helpful.

    What Anita said about chasing the intoxicating feeling has really stuck with me. I recently briefly dated someone else, but after about six weeks of talking and then eventually meeting up post lockdown she said she realised she wasn’t over her last relationship and couldn’t commit anything, I was sad about that, and I don’t doubt I liked her, but what’s interesting is looking back I can see that objectively, we were not very compatible; what I was chasing was the intoxicating feeling. Same with my ex – I feel myself pining for her at times but if I take a step back, I realise I am pining for a version of her that doesn’t exist- one that is clouded by this intoxicating pull, and it is that that I’m pining for.

    I don’t know about you but my self esteem and self worth is generally low – I find myself seeking love in others and being hugely self critical of myself. I think that’s why I find the pull so intoxicating- because it validation I can’t/don’t give myself at the moment. So I am going to take a break from dating and work on that. Easier said than done but as you said, it’s about being willing to be open to hard truths.

     

    Thanks for allowing me to put my thoughts here. You are clearly a kindhearted, good person and I really hope you are feeling better soon.

    #357586
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Adelaide: I’ve read your posts elsewhere, first being on Jan 15. If you would like, you are welcome to start your own thread, any topic, a discussion thread will be fine, and I for one,  will be glad to communicate with you there.

    anita

    #357529
    Anady
    Participant

    Hey guys, I read your post. I think you fell in love with her, but your post motivates me about my relationship.

    Thanks

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 30 total)

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