April 27, 2020 at 11:23 am #351616
This is my first post on these forums. I’ve found them as I struggle to come to terms with my six month long relationship coming to an end 5 days ago.
i am feeling lost and confused about how we have ended up where we are currently.
So our story goes like this;
I am female and gay. I have been out for 16yrs.
We both have baggage, mine involved an almost 8yr relationship with an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive towards me for the better part of that time.
She has just discovered her sexuality and ended her 9yr marriage. She has children and a religious background. We are both in our mid 30’s.
We met during a night out and instantly clicked. I’d never clicked so quickly and naturally with anyone before. I wanted to know everything about her.
We fell in love fast and spent a lot of time together. It was great. I met her children, they gradually warmed to me but struggled with the absence of their dad and their mums sexuality.
We communicated wonderfully. I’d never had a relationship unfold so naturally before. She didn’t fit the box I had in my head for what I was looking for in a partner(looks wise and already having children) but I fell in love with her deeply and was getting a lot of joy from being in her children’s lives.
I felt like I’d finally met a good one, someone on my level.
She broke up with me 5 days ago. This would have been a complete surprise except she had also broken up with me one month prior to that and we reconciled 2 days later. She’d said she’d never felt so sad in her life and couldn’t understand why she was making herself suffer like that.
Her reasoning behind both break ups was the same. She felt she needed to be alone as she has not really done that in her life time. It took me months to find out she’d only been seperated from her husband for maybe 3-4 weeks when I met her. Her kids are extremely needy. I suspect part of this is the change in the family dynamic.
Her ex husband is not supportive of her sexuality and has made many off hand comments about her/me/our relationship and refused to meet me.
She told me she feels she isn’t happy with herself and that is preventing her from loving me the way that I love her and that is why she needs the time alone to clear her head and figure herself out.
I know she has struggled with this, I have seen her struggle with being a single mum, trying to co-parent with her ex and also maintain a relationship with me. She says our relationship is good, it’s actually really good but she doesn’t feel she has the ability to match my feelings.
On one hand, I understand. Her life has completely altered in just a 7month period. On the other hand, if our relationship is good and she thinks I’m amazing, why push me away?
She wants us to be friends, I don’t want that. I’m in love with her.
The last 5 days have been miserable. I miss her, I miss her kids. We decided 3 days ago to not call, text, interact on social media etc to give each other space for a couple weeks before meeting back up so I can collect my things from her place.
I am definitely holding out hope that in that time she will realise we should be together or that she does want something with me in the future. I feel I am setting myself up for some more heartache but I also don’t want to close myself off to any possibilities.
She maintains the issue isn’t me because I am “perfect” and the problem lies within herself.
To me, if I am all these things(amazing,perfect,sweet,kind,considerate) than why let me go?
I feel the persistent offer of friendship is her way of not losing me completely.
She has contradicted herself during this break up by saying things like she wants me to live my life, move on and be happy and meet someone else and in the next breath says maybe one day we can be friends who have sex.
I feel she is genuinely confused about what she wants and how she feels, how to figure it out and get clarity. She’s very up and down with her emotions.
I am just heartbroken. I love her so much and our relationship was really great, something she hasn’t denied. We rarely fought.
I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be most welcome.April 27, 2020 at 1:38 pm #351800
I am sorry to read that your previous partner of eight years was emotionally abusive towards you for the better part of that time.
I am also sorry to read that your most recent partner has young children who are suffering because of decisions made by their mother to place her sexuality above their well-being. It seems to me that she rushed through a separation and through introducing a new lover to her children too soon, having her new lover over overnight, if I understand correctly.
Seems to me that she did everything too soon, rushing through.
I suggest that when you do communicate with her next, as you listen to her, keep in mind that she is not exactly in her right mind at this time in her life, so she will continue to say contradictory things. Don’t expect her to be consistent. Don’t expect her to know what she wants, or what is right for her.
What she needs is someone level headed in her life, someone stable, to figuratively hold her hand as she walks on unstable ground, so that she is less afraid, feels less alone and safer.
If you have it in you to provide her that kind of support, to hold her hand while you receive less than you give, then you may want to be that for her. And think of her children’s well-being, think of what is better for them.
anitaApril 27, 2020 at 4:19 pm #351812
Thank you for responding Anita 🙂
I think my main concern around staying in her life is that she will move on and I will be stuck pining for a reunion of our romantic relationship. It’s something that’s already in the back of my mind while we have this space from each other.
Yes I spent many nights at her place and with her children. I formed a bond with them so feel I am also losing them from my life, it’s hard for me to deal with. It was never my idea to meet them so soon or to be integrated into their lives as quickly as I was.
As we have stopped being in direct contact, I have been checking in on her social media(without commenting or “liking” things) and she has been posting a lot about how she’s miss independent, being alone is important and appearing super happy and zen. I wonder if it’s a front for how she’s really going or if she’s putting it into the universe so it becomes her reality.
I guess seeing her like that whilst knowing my reality since our seperation(many tears, low motivation, anxiety) makes me question her true feelings.
We have agreed to reconnect in 2 weeks so I can collect my things so I know there will be no contact until that point. I’m at a genuine loss as to what the right thing to do is, not only for her and her children but for myself. I don’t want to lose her completely but I’m not sure I can bare to be only her friend.April 27, 2020 at 5:25 pm #351816
This is what you wrote that she told you: “she feels she isn’t happy with herself and that is preventing her from loving me the way that I love her”, and that “she doesn’t feel she has the ability to match my feelings”- she clearly told you that she doesn’t love you as much as she believes that you love her, and that she is not able to love you as much as she believes that you love her.
When she broke up with you, she told you that “she isn’t happy with herself… she needs the time alone to clear her head and figure herself out… She maintains the issue isn’t me because I am ‘perfect’ and the problem lies within herself”-
– I’ve been communicating with hundreds of people over the last five years on these forums, and what she told you is often said by people breaking up with their partners. The aim is to soften the blow of the breakup, to minimize conflict and anger:
it’s not you- it’s me; it’s not that I am not happy with you, I am not happy with myself; it’s not that I don’t want you in my life, I don’t want anyone in my life, etc
You wrote: “if our relationship is good and she thinks I’m amazing, why push me away?”- reads to me that she likes you and enjoyed your company, but I don’t think she feels that you are amazing, because if she did, she would want to have more and more of Amazing aka you, in her life.
I am quite confident about what I wrote above. As to what follows, I am guessing: I am guessing that she separated from her husband and came out, expecting her life to be Amazing, maybe to make up for same-old-same-old boring life as a wife and a mother. I am guessing that she has unrealistic expectations as to how Amazing life can be simply because she made her official entry into gay living.
“my main concern around staying in her life is that she will move on and I will be stuck pining for a reunion of our romantic relationship”- I think that your concern is valid. I think that she is likely to experiment next, looking for Amazing experiences, while you will be pining for a reunion with her. I don’t think that you want to be her friend and hear about her new adventures, nor do I think you want to be her friend with benefits, like she suggested.
I figure you better mourn this relationship and say your goodbye to her, maybe get your things sooner than later and move on and away from her.
What do you think/ feel ???
anitaApril 27, 2020 at 6:39 pm #351826
I still have a glimmer of hope that I can’t help but hold onto that this time and space will cement her feelings either way and I am holding on to that to get that closure when I see her in a couple of weeks.
In the meantime I’m in this limbo where all I do is think about her and the what if’s and how is she feeling whilst knowing I won’t get any answers.
I feel like the things you have said definitely give me some food for thought and things to take with me when I do meet up with her.
She has a lot more to distract her mind in this time with full time work and being surrounded by her children constantly.April 27, 2020 at 6:54 pm #351828
You definitely fell in love with her, and it doesn’t take me knowing you in person to very much wish that you would be with her right now, that the two of you continued what appeared to be an excellent relationship.
I understand you holding on to that glimmer of hope, feeling so strongly about her. But all the thinking about her will do you no good whatsoever, and it will hurt you, draining you. So better make another plan.
How about coming up with a daily routine that will not allow you much time to think about her. I don’t know what your current routine is, but if you can add to it some physical exercise, long brisk walks twice a day, 40 minutes each time, 1-2 daily guided meditations (The Mountain Meditation will be excellent for you, and perhaps Mark Williams series of mindful meditations), and other activities, this will lead you to feel better physically and emotionally.
You can add posting here to your new daily routine!
April 27, 2020 at 9:52 pm #351850
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
Thanks for your suggestions Anita. I am fortunate enough to have a support network of friends who have encouraged me to get out of the house(as much as is possible with all going on in the world currently)
so I have been going on walks with a friend and will be returning to work tomorrow, which should also aid in keeping my mind busy.
One other aspect of this, as you mentioned earlier that she put her sexuality/own needs before her children’s needs, this is something she had brought up during the break up. That she feels she needs to put their needs first now and I completely agree that that should be the case.
I feel part of the reasoning behind the breakup is she feels she can’t sustain a relationship whilst trying to put them first. I’m not sure if that’s an excuse or a genuine feeling of hers.
I did a lot for her children in the short time I was around including taking time off to mind them, buying them birthday presents, being there for them to play or interact with. I just don’t see how I was a hindrance in them coming first.April 28, 2020 at 8:44 am #351904
It is always feelings/ emotions that motivate people. Emotions can be viewed as energy in-motion, an energy that leads us to make the choices that we make. She chose to have you in her life as a girlfriend because it felt good to her, at the time, and she chose to break up with you later, because that felt better later. The fact that she chose to date you and have you in her home with her kids, means to me that she didn’t feel badly at the time for not putting her children first.
There are all kinds of factors playing into what led her to break up with you and no one (not even she) can draw an exact diagram listing the percentage of each factor in her breakup decision. What is clear is that overall she felt better about not having you in her life as a girlfriend.
If you look back at your relationship with her, you can, if you want, make two lists: things (that you/ others said and did, things that she experienced) that made her feel good and things that made her feel bad, these two lists can lead you to further insight.
May 1, 2020 at 5:19 pm #352538
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
Turns out you couldn’t have been more correct Anita.
I ended up hearing from her a week before we were meant to get back in touch. She just wanted to reconfirm to me she was ok with her decision still and didn’t want me to to spend the week hoping for something that wasn’t going to happen.
I was obviously upset by this. Her interaction with me was pretty void of emotion and I even pointed that out to her. She says she was trying to keep things “on point” to avoid an emotional roller coaster. I can’t help but be filled with emotions when talking to her and it fuels those emotions more when she seems to be so emotionless.
She tried to bring one of our friends into this by saying she could give all my things to this friend so she could avoid a possible confrontation with me. I made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else involved in this. I feel she is avoiding facing me as she feels guilty for hurting me and knows it will be harder to hide emotions face to face, where she doesn’t have the Protection of a phone to hide behind.
To me, I still feel I need the face to face closure and I also want her to face the consequences of her actions. Things are the way they are now because of her and I feel she is trying to avoid that at all costs.
I don’t want confrontation either, I just want a chance to see her again for what could possibly be the last time and say goodbye. I feel it’s the most amicable way to part.
I think I’ll always have a piece of me that hopes with time, she will realise how amazing we were together and she would like to try again but I know I can not wait for something that is not likely to come.May 1, 2020 at 5:46 pm #352552
I am sorry, I imagine it hurts a lot, but you will be okay.
Somewhere along the way, this relationship meant for you more than it meant for her. At one point on, for whatever reason, you felt as close and closer to her, but she drifted away.
“I feel it’s the most amicable way to part”- I think it’s too late for a truly amicable way to part. You are angry with her and she is afraid of “the consequences of her actions”.
When I feel distressed I take a hot bath, it works for me everytime. Maybe you can do the same, and/ or listening to your favorite music, or watch an old movie you like. And post again anytime.
May 21, 2020 at 1:40 pm #356312
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
So the meet up has come and gone.
I don’t think I was truly open to hearing the things you had said, Anita.
so many of them have hit home for me now.
the meet up was as amicable as it could be considering the events leading up to it. She was very emotionally closed off and we ended up having to meet up again 3 days later as she had forgotten some of my things. Again she was very emotionally closed off.
Any contact we have had in that time and since has been abrupt and like I’m an inconvenience.
after we had said our goodbyes, she contacted me to let me know about a health scare she had.
I reached out to her to offer comfort and support and even in amongst that, she removed all emotion from it.
being talked to like I mean nothing and meant nothing has absolutely broken my heart further.
it’s now been 10 days since I’ve seen her and 6 days since we’ve had any kind of contact.
ive also now removed her from all of my social media accounts.
she did tell me that what she wants now is to have “adventure and fun” so in other words, to go out and have “emotionless sex”.
so again, you were absolutely right.
I’m trying to make peace with all of this and come to terms with it but am finding it very difficult.
The thing I can’t grasp is how she has seemingly flicked a switch and in the time since the break up has talked to me in a way she never had before. It’s so blunt and emotionless and has made me feel like crap.
Im not sure if it’s a coping mechanism on her part as I know she is a person who carries a lot of guilt for hurting others. Out of sight, out of mind maybe?
Anyway I am struggling. I think about her every single day from the moment I wake up. I miss her kids and the bond I had formed with them.
i feel like I have a lost a lot from this relationship, perhaps more than I have in other break ups. I just wanna get her out of my head like she has obviously gotten me out of hers.May 21, 2020 at 2:57 pm #356326
I need to re-read our previous communication and then read your recent post. I want to be focused when I do that, and so, I will be back to your thread in a about 15 hours from now.
May 21, 2020 at 5:25 pm #356350
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by anita.
I am back earlier than I expected. I am sorry you feel so crappy and I understand why you feel this way.
Regarding her closed off, “blunt and emotionless” expressions with you- that’s her making life easier for herself, for now.
You wrote: “I know she is a person who carries a lot of guilt for hurting others”- she carries a lot of guilt, as a child in a religious home, and for nine years a wife who didn’t want to be a wife, and as a mother who.. perhaps didn’t want to be a mother.
She came out of the closet, ended her marriage, had a woman lover in her home, with her children… guilt somewhere along her crept in… but she can’t go back into the closet, so she breaks up with her woman lover, shuts off her emotions for her woman lover, and decides to have ‘adventure and fun’.. to go out and have ’emotionless sex'”.
From what I read in your thread, she is moving too far from the married-with-children (with a religious background) traditional role of a woman—> all the way to a different traditional role, that is of men having “emotional sex”, sex for “adventure and fun” with as many as women as possible, or as a pandemic will allow.
The middle way for her would have been to have a healthy love relationship with a woman. The extreme is what she is aiming at. Problem is that this guilt is not going anywhere. The way she is moving in is not congruent with mental health.
I hope you feel better soon. Her behavior after all is not about you: her guilt preceded you by many years and she is trying to resolve this guilt in a way that.. will not resolve her guilt, and cause her more problems.
Post again anytime.
May 29, 2020 at 10:30 pm #357225RaviParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by anita.
I have read each of your posts.
To get rid of memories from the head, attachments, to bring emotional closure I suggest you to do Ho’oponopono. For you I recommend to do it for 21 days. A simple technique can be done anywhere, everywhere, even while you go for a walk with the friend. You can look that up and find free articles and videos on it. I will be happy to read your message but once you do it diligently for 21 days :).
tc.May 30, 2020 at 8:50 pm #357279
Thank you for the suggestion.
I am open to trying anything At this point as I am finding it hard to break my thought patterns still.
In further developments I have found out my ex has now entered into another relationship with another woman, so this explains a lot of her shut down in regard to me in the last few weeks.
I asked her why tell me she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but then enter into another relationship and her reply was simply “the dynamic is different”
I pointed out that she’s repeating the patterns she had told me she wanted to avoid and she is well aware of that and brushes it off as “It’s not about you as a person, it’s me” and “I am messed up in the head and just leave it at that”
It is personal to me and I feel frustrated because I feel she is “getting away with it” with little to no repercussions.
Anyway, thank you for the responses and suggestions. I want to make active efforts to change my thoughts and feelings as it is exhausting.