Striving for something better hasn’t really gotten me anywhere. Just stressed and feeling like I can’t do much with my life, but it’s what we hear others tell us, and told to us from a young age that perseverance is what matters, always move forward, etc.
As with everything, I’m guessing doing it in moderation is key.

They’re good ideas. I have done some of it, but her response was negative in that she told me she couldn’t handle me talking about that and that she would have to step back if I continued to do so in order to protect herself and her son. Another friend is supportive but I feel i’m a burden because I won’t stop talking about my problems and she says a lot of neutral stuff because I don’t think she knows what else to do to help. I know both of them want to help in their own way, but I’ve been told that a lot of it has to do with me helping myself and i’m out of options, or it feels that way to me.

It can get frustrating being told that I have to find a way to fix myself when i’m already broken. Sometimes we need outside help such as friends just to take us away from our own personal hell and focus on someone else for a few hours. Unfortunately the friends I do have don’t like me focusing on them when I have problems myself. I’d rather help someone else fix themselves than to fix what I can’t fix in myself. I think they see it as me ignoring my problems and in a way that’s what it is. But in life if we can’t fix something we usually throw it away or pay someone to fix it, or for some leave it in a corner or a place where we still have it but it’s set aside until a later time. This is basically what i’ve been doing with myself. I haven’t had the finances to seek professional help and I can’t exactly throw myself away, so I ignore them; I leave my problems in the corner of the room for a later date. It doesn’t solve the problem but i’ve been told many many times that we have to make do with what we have in some situations and this is what i’m doing. The only difference is the problem isn’t physical, it’s mental.

You bring up a good example of how depression can leave some of the most famous people feeling like they have no other options available like Robin Williams. Despite bringing laughter to people around the world, he left the world a troubled man. That brings me to a point: Not everyone is going to understand depression and its grip on the person it truly has. I’ve had people in my life tell me to grin and bear it; but it’s easier said than done for me. I have a face that gives me away every time. If i’m anything other than neutral, it shows through my face. Most times I have an angry look because I’m obviously not happy, but it also seems to intimidate some and others, well they kind of shy away from me. I’ve been told I have a pretty angry face when i’m mad. I’m not proud of that, but I don’t lie about how I feel simply because my face will give me away anyway. I can’t put on a fake smile. This is why when people tell me “fake it ’til you make it” won’t work in my case. My eyes and face give me away.

What i’ve discussed in this post is basically what it’s like being inside my box. The self-hatred, lack of belief, rejection, disappointment, all of it. That’s what I live in everyday. The thoughts repeating themselves over and over. The what-ifs and the conversations that I have with the people that have wronged me. The ideas of how to end it all and what I would think the responses would be from the people that say they care about me but yet show opposite body language all the time. The physical and mental stress from working in crappy jobs just to turn my financial situation around from bankruptcy. The stress of the reality that my parents don’t have much longer to live and all the struggles that they have and have had in the past. The barely existent relationship I have with my brother because I don’t want to accept who my family is and how they are. This is my box. You see, in order to get out of the box, in theory, I would have to leave all of this behind. Some of it I can, but some of it I won’t because I care too much. Some don’t understand that when you change your mindset, and you change your belief system you actually change how you feel about those around you. Some that were your best friends or a loved one, no longer matters much to you because your viewpoint has changed on life. I can’t let people go just because I care too much about them. I want them in my life. Like my friend that’s distanced herself from me. I don’t want to let her go out of my life. Same with others. They all mean something to me.

I feel that I approach things with simple logic. In a beginning level philosophy class we were taught the concept of simple logic; the if-then statement. If A equals B and B equals C, then A equals C. I take this concept and apply it to a lot in life. Especially when I have to figure something out on my own without instruction. It doesn’t work for all parts of life, but so far it has helped me make sense of some things a little better.

I agree with your analogy. We tend to go back to what we know from the past when dealing with situations that pop up. It’s hard to change the way of thinking when it has happened repetitively in one’s life. I find it hard. My logic tells me what if I do become happy? I don’t recall ever being truly happy, so what then? It changes my whole outlook, everything about me. I won’t be the same person I am at this moment. I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s good to have change in our lives, but to become a completely different person seems like you’d have to change your surroundings, the people you associate and are friends with, the job you may have, and the way you see life.

I’ve been reminded many times that I stay in my box. I’m comfortable here, and I (from others’ opinions) don’t want to get out of my box, so I should stop complaining if I don’t want to leave the box. But I don’t think they fully understand what it’s like to be constantly placed back in the box time after time only to be told that I should be stepping out. I’ve also read on this site and others, that we should try to get rid of the negative people in our life, they’re hurting and usually they try to bring us down with them. I agree. But what if the negative person is you? What if you’ve attempted to change and people just see the negative parts of you and shy away from you when you do need people in order to change? it’s a catch-22 in my eyes.

ElleTinker700 – Thank you for your thoughts on this. I do understand that sometimes love is right under our nose. There is a woman in my life that I feel like that towards before this other girl came around, but again, she doesn’t know it, nor will I tell her. I do care about her and we’ve known each other for over half our lives so it’s a strong friendship for sure.

I agree with you, I don’t think anyone goes into a relationship with the intention of taking on the others’ problems, but in a partnership I believe that does end up happening because the two help each other out. The only exception to that is when one is relying on the other to fix them. That usually results in a negative experience for them.

They both require acceptance. But love requires acceptance from both parties. And that’s where the problem comes into play. Even if I cared about myself, I highly doubt that it would change a woman’s view about me. I’m friend material and that’s it. I’m not deserving of a relationship, nor of children, or any type of happiness that comes along with having a family. I got my degree so I would have a chance at having a career and be financially stable when my kids are finally born. I bought my house in order to invest in it and then sell, and use the money from selling to buy a bigger house…for a family. This was my plan. My goals. It all involves having a family, which requires a relationship to begin with. And that’s what I don’t have and can’t seem to get. It drives me nuts that I can try different ways and they all haven’t worked for me. I want to love someone. Not myself. I’m helpless in the sense that i’m beyond help so i’ve given up on me. I can’t be fixed. I’m broken beyond repair. People see me differently but I see a broken person. And apparently I attach to people too much and then make them mad with my stupid thoughts and then they disappear out of my life and i’m left alone once again to deal with my bullcrap myself, once again. This is what I meant as she being my last friend because I will disappear from everyone and everything. I just have to finish up some stuff then i’ll be gone out of everyone’s life so they can’t be mad at me anymore and hear my nonsense.