Forum Replies Created
February 17, 2020 at 12:24 pm #338724
Dear Anita and Brandy,
Thanks for your comments and views. During this days I’ve been thinking about what happened and I do believe I made the right decision. As I mentioned before, after doing a personal search on myself three years ago I found out that I have characteristics of being Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and also and Empath. Which definitely explains things of the past, and I have been working to not make the same mistakes in the past. Me being so open with this girl was something new for me, expressing my feelings was not something so common in me. Also putting my emotions first is something that hadn’t happened before, especially because I tend to believe in the goodness of people and that they can change. It’s what moves me in life (I’m a humaniarian worker, so my motor is the believe that change can happen).
I will not lie, their are moments I see all that I did as good and see what you wrote and believe I made the right action. Other moments, I ask myself if really all this is related to her not being ready after breaking up with her ex, thinking that I should be more patience and support her. But emotionally all this was exhausting because I don’t understand all those mix signals that she sends and thought that she would support the idea of not doing it so we could continue to be friends and see that this could work out.
Actually, one thing that also had me thinking, was that she had closed her Facebook and Instagram accounts, and said to me she did it as a stage of letting go her ex and disconnect from the social media that was a temptation to write to him (I thought this was a good sign). One day after this, I saw she opened her FB account again and had actually put a web history with a nice picture of her. This got me thinking “why would she do this? who does she want to see the picture?”). In which case I believe that she is fishing in the ocean all the options she has (which she can do, its her life), not only her ex but other guys here, and decided that I don’t want to be in this situation.
More important, she knew about me being HSP, I spoke with her about this in the first month, but I guess she didn’t care much what it means, because everytime something bothered her, she would claim to me the problem was me being too sensitive. Lucky for me, this happened now and not years ago, when I have done my own inner search and understand that this isn’t a problem, and whoever loves me will do it with my sensitive side. So I didn’t allow those comments to get into my head, I would just let them go through. But it also means that I feel more deeply my emotions, so you can imagine all this hits me emotionally hard because it felt really nice and happy when we shared moments, and now I’m trying that it doesn’t blind me of the other bad things that happened.
I will take this a day at a time and will see what happens next time we cross, because as I mentioned before, we have many friends in common. But yes, I’m proud of how I manage this and will try to keep my head up. Thanks again for all your support.
GustavoFebruary 16, 2020 at 4:42 am #338508
Yesterday was the worst night I’ve had in a long time and today I just feel that nothing can be done with this girl. She kept showing interest and Friday night we went for dinner, spoke a lot and she even mentioned that she had closed Facebook and Instagram to allow her to have closure with her ex. Speaking about relationships and us, she showed me a poem and said that it represented her. Link (Spanish with English subtitles) is https://youtu.be/ZJO8COvlkzM
The poem was beautiful and describe her, but I didn’t understand why she is showing me this if she knows my feelings for her. So I decided to speak with her yesterday and said that I don’t understand the signals she is sending me, that the same way she asks me to respect she isn’t ready for a relationship, she should also respect that this actions affect me emotional because they send me the signal she actually wants something with me. Even told her that she writing to me because she felt that I didn’t say hello friendly enough was another signal I didn’t understand.
I asked her that we should find a midpoint between me respecting her process and she not making actions right now that make me feel she actually wants something with me. She got uncomfortable and said that none of this things meant anything and that she was not sending me any signals. She didn’t accept for us to find this midpoint, so I said that of that is the case, then for my own good I would have to take some distance until she is clear of what she wants.
Hours later came the worst part and what today has me with no energy to do anything with her anymore. She started to write in the chat that said she believe I made this argument because she believes I have another girl, said that people have said that I go out with other girl and that I’m a liar and that she wants nothing with me. That she felt that me saying this of the distance was me trying to have closure so I could have a chance with this other girl. Same time she wrote that she loved going out with me and felt that we were going on a nice path to build something (what? I don’t know, she never said).
All night trying to show her that it’s been four months me wanting to have a chance, supporting her and accepting that she needs space. Giving her company and showing her my kindness. Even told her that the poem made me think many things, the same way my letter made her think, and that all I wanted was to speak it out and find a way for us to make things work without she sending me this signals that I don’t don’t do any good to me. According to her, she hasn’t sent me any signals at all of wanting something with me.
I’m so sad now, she not wanting to see all my transparency and all I did this month to show her that I was serious with this. I haven’t gone out with another girl because I did wanted to see were this could go, but I still don’t believe it would be something bad if I did because right now we are nothing. But it hurts me that she believes that I’m actually hiding this and lying to her, that she believes I really haven’t been transparent with her.
I just told her their is nothing I can do if she doesn’t trust me and that I’m sorry that she takes what supposedly other people said of seeing me with another girl, instead of seeing my actions this last four months. That she needs to decide what she believes because their is no way I can show her that this is not true.
End of the day, what hurts me more is that I believe a relationship with someone most begin with trust and now I don’t see us having any chance if she wants to believe that I’m a liar when all we are friends that have some feelings for each other. I have never seeing her like this, but her words and our chat felt so toxic yesterday, something that hadn’t happened before, that I don’t see that we can do anything now. It isn’t just me being patience now, it’s me having to proof to her that she can trust me, and I believe I haven’t done really anything to break that trust and that it’s impossible to make her believe what she wants to believe from the intangible reality she has in her head (I repeat, she has never seen me with anyone and all I do is hang out with is friends and colleagues, their was never a lie from my side).
I don’t understand why me asking her to respect my feelings and to avoid sending me signals if she isn’t sure of what she wants, had to end in all this. Why she reacted so hard, blaming me of all this and saying that now we shouldn’t even be friends (but at the same time allowing me to know that she felt we were going on the right path to build something). Me asking for distance was only protecting my feelings when she didn’t accept that she is making actions that show her wanting something when verbally she continues to say she doesn’t want a relationship.
Now I feel so empty and sad, confused. Never bought this would happen, but I feel their is nothing I can do. I don’t understand her and this incident. I don’t understand what happened.
GustavoFebruary 11, 2020 at 2:51 pm #337670
All your words and recommendations are actually as I think and I’m thankful. Definitely, going day at a time because I don’t understand her intentions in this moment and I hope not to get to that point were my expectations grow again and will be a problem. If I’ve been transparent, I would expect the same about her, but maybe she isn’t ready yet or has doubts. Maybe she didn’t expect me to accept her decision and allow her the space she needed, taking a step back. Difficult to know.
For now, trying to practice patience (easier said than done) and see what exactly she wants, respecting more the distance and allowing each other to have space. She already knows how I feel and if something would happen I expect that it would come from her showing that she also wants to give us a chance.
February 10, 2020 at 12:01 pm #337472
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by Gustavo.
I have been transparent and as you say, she knows I have feelings. From my point of view, she was also transparent with her first message of us taking some distance, but now from my side it’s different. Not because I don’t have feelings or would like for something to happen with her, but because I decided to respect her decision of the distance and allow her to heal and make a decision regarding her ex. Meanwhile, I also deserve my own process that allows me to learn from the past. I’m trying not to expect anything from her in this moment and just make my life here (like her, i’m not from this town, so for me it’s also starting in a new place), plus learn from what just happened for my own good.
Definitely, I don’t understand why she is doing this again and I’m trying to just take it as a nice moment with a nice person, allowing us to get to know each other, but not changing my plans for her because I feel she doesn’t know what she wants and I don’t want to be hurt (or maybe as you say, she does know, and is trying to get attention, in which case I would also make distance). I have been clear and if she wants something with me, as you mention, she should be clear about her change of mind.
GustavoFebruary 10, 2020 at 8:19 am #337410
Definitely learning is always an option and all this days I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t feel regret about expressing, but I appreciate your example because you do point about how I could had said things different and it’s true.
Their is an update and for me an example of why it’s hard to understand what this girl wants. Last Friday we crossed in a restaurant with some friends and she was there. I said hello friendly, but not “over friendly” and then left with my group. Later she wrote to me asking why I was different with her, but I assured that nothing to worry. Next day she wrote inviting me for a coffee in the afternoon and we ended up talking for almost six hours, she even said we could go for dinner, which I accepted. After that I left for a party with Some friends and she went home. Then Sunday we crossed again jogging and she ended up staying with me like two hours walking and speaking, and even invited me to go for lunch with her and a friend, but I said I already had lunch at home and plans to watch a movie with other friends.
I’m taking it day at a time, not expecting much because she was clear the first time. I’m working in learning of this and concentrate on myself, but then this things happen and I don’t know what to think or what exactly does she want. For now I continue to respect her process and allow us to have some distance (better for both of us), but now that she took the first steps for us to do things together again, not sure if we should do it (I’m worried that its attachment from her side, which I know it won’t end good if I allow that door to open).
GustavoFebruary 4, 2020 at 10:34 am #336642
Could be true what you say. It was always difficult to express my feelings because she was always clear that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Once she said to me that she could see that I was starting to have feelings for her and that she didn’t want to hurt me, so it was difficult for me to know what to express or how to do it. So I admit that probably I analyzed my words and wrote it more general, so that she wouldn’t get scared. Not much can be done now, as you say, but I did have a lot of feelings I wanted to express to her, but didn’t do it because I tried to respect her decision.
GustavoFebruary 3, 2020 at 3:26 pm #336480
I knew all the time the risk I was taking. I got divorced four years ago and know that someone needs space and time to heal. Definitely rejection hurts, but as I told her, as long as she can follow her path and find her happines, she has all my support on her decision and I will respect it.
Relationships depend in two and I’m not sure that we should always get away when someone is not ready. I mean it because long time ago I was the one that was going for a break up and even a depression, and a girl was there with me for months, not forcing things, but being transparent that she had feelings for me. After 8 months of waiting, we actually ended up together and this relationship lasted for seven years (actually, one of my most beautiful relationships i’ve ever had). For this reason I thought that being a close friend, but transparent of my feelings, could work if I was patient (obviously, knowing the risk).
I don’t regret being transparent of my feelings when their was a moment of us passing time together (which included us speaking that I also understood that she needs space for her process to heal and that I couldn’t expect more than a friendship for now), but definitely agree that now all I can do is to let her go. It does hurt a lot and I believe in me needing time to process the feeling.
To give some context about me, after my divorce I did my own personal journey to find answers about my life. I found out that many of my characteristics are related to me having sings related to being an Empath and even in many cases also Highly Sensitive People (HSP). Good to know today all this, gave me answers to much of my past and tools to “manage” my emotions, but it’s still a little difficult when dealing with relationships and the deep emotions I feel. Specially, when the other person probably don’t understand this and see this as a sign of weakness, attachment or probably of me rushing. Guess I’m still learning, but trust me, the Gustavo in the past wouldn’t had express his feelings to a girl at all unless being pretty sure of the other person’s feelings. But end of the day, I understand her and know that it was probably wrong to expect her to act like me in my similar experience.
GustavoFebruary 3, 2020 at 8:33 am #336424
Thanks Anita and Brandy for your words and recommendations. I definitely hope she finds her happiness and will work on concentrating on myself during this time. Definitely, it won’t be easy to meet when we share with common friends.
Yesterday we actually crossed while running and she said hello and we both talked as if nothing had happened. It wasn’t easy, but I believe that it’s all that can happen now, especially when she has been clear that she doesn’t want any relationship now and she felt that my letter meant me starting to have feelings for her. Never meant for her to see it that way, I understood nothing more than friends could happen now, but felt I also wanted to express my feelings and let her now that I was fine in going slow.