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January 31, 2020 at 6:49 am #335828
GustavoParticipantI met a girl six months ago, she moved to the same city where I live and we have friends in common. For almost three months we have been going out together, she was clear to me that she was not ready for a relationship because she had broken with her ex a few months ago. I’ve respected this and we mostly have a good time together, we laugh a lot, hang out and speak. With time she said to me that she likes hanging out with me and would like for us to get to know each other more, but to take it slowly. So I have respected this.
Now that we have been going out for three months I wanted to express her that she is a special person to me and wrote her a letter were I expressed that passing time with her is amazing, that she has a beautiful heart and that I would like to have a chance for us to have more intimate time (included a chocolate with the gift). That I know that she isn´t ready for a relationship, but that I wanted her to know my feelings and that hopefully, slowly, we can make this work.
First, she reacted good. Said she likes to be with me and that we can go slowly, that she isn’t ready yet and hopes I respects this, but that we can continue to go out and make plans. But the next day she said we should take distance or simply accept that we are only friends. Said that this letter showing my affection for her actually stopped her from wanting to advance with me. According to her, she loves the time with me and the carrying person I am, but the truth is that she still has feelings for her ex, and that she doesn’t want to hurt me. That she doesn’t know if she will actually be able to love me and that is not fair with me. She says I’m a great person that makes her laugh, that she cherishes the moments we lived, and that she really was giving us a chance because she wanted to see where this would go, but that reality is that she cannot assure me where her process will take her heart and that she still loves the ex.
After this, I decided to respect her decision. Actually, I value her transparency regarding her feelings for her ex. I knew this and that’s why I never pressured her for us to start a relationship, I was patient and happy with the time that we shared. Taking it slowly was actually also good for me, but I did want her to know that it has been beautiful three months with her and that I do value the woman she is, and that I continue to respect her process and time. I don’t know what to do now. I wrote to her if we could speak personally, but she never answered. Should I let her go? Should I try to speak with her and show her that we can continue hanging out with no pressure, but obviously she knowing I have no intentions to be her best friend? I want her to be happy and will respect her decision if she doesn’t want to continue to have a good time and see where this can take us.
January 31, 2020 at 9:53 am #336018
AnonymousGuestDear Gustavo:
Reads to me that the two of you are honest, decent people. You did all you could to suggest to her that a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship between the two of you is a good idea. There is nothing more for you to say or do (beyond maybe telling her that if she changes her mind, to let you know).
I think that the right thing for you and her to do at this point, is to no longer talk or go out together. Like she said, it wouldn’t be fair to you.
If I was you, I wouldn’t contact her at all and I will not seek her company. If you happen to see her in a group setting, with your common friends, or if you randomly see her on the street, in a store and the like, act friendly, but not overly friendly, not hoping/ trying again kind of friendly.
If you reach out to her at this point, it is likely to feel on her end like pressure and she will move away from you even farther. If you behave casually friendly with her when you randomly, or accidently see her, that may relax her.
anita
January 31, 2020 at 10:46 pm #336160
BrandyParticipantHi Gustavo,
After 3 months of going out with her it’s natural to want to express your feelings, so you’ve done nothing wrong by sending the letter. But yes, you need to completely let her go because in doing so you’re demonstrating that her happiness is more important to you than your own. It’ll also reveal your strong character, and the stronger a person’s character, the more attractive he becomes.
B
February 3, 2020 at 8:33 am #336424GustavoParticipantThanks Anita and Brandy for your words and recommendations. I definitely hope she finds her happiness and will work on concentrating on myself during this time. Definitely, it won’t be easy to meet when we share with common friends.
Yesterday we actually crossed while running and she said hello and we both talked as if nothing had happened. It wasn’t easy, but I believe that it’s all that can happen now, especially when she has been clear that she doesn’t want any relationship now and she felt that my letter meant me starting to have feelings for her. Never meant for her to see it that way, I understood nothing more than friends could happen now, but felt I also wanted to express my feelings and let her now that I was fine in going slow.
Gustavo
February 3, 2020 at 8:51 am #336426AnonymousGuestDear Gustavo:
You are welcome. I agree that likely, a friendship, or more precisely, a friendly acquaintance is “all that can happen now”. There is always a risk of rejection when you express a romantic interest in a woman when you don’t know her position in advance. Every man experiences rejection some of the time. It takes courage to do what you did, and it will take courage to .. not get too discouraged and be able and willing to approach yet another woman in the future.
I suppose you learned that if you are interested in a woman and she tells you she is not over an ex and is not ready for a relationship, better not hang out with her, and better not express to her any romantic feelings and interest in her, and instead, better “let her go” (in title of your thread). Do you agree?
anita
February 3, 2020 at 3:26 pm #336480GustavoParticipantDear Anita,
I knew all the time the risk I was taking. I got divorced four years ago and know that someone needs space and time to heal. Definitely rejection hurts, but as I told her, as long as she can follow her path and find her happines, she has all my support on her decision and I will respect it.
Relationships depend in two and I’m not sure that we should always get away when someone is not ready. I mean it because long time ago I was the one that was going for a break up and even a depression, and a girl was there with me for months, not forcing things, but being transparent that she had feelings for me. After 8 months of waiting, we actually ended up together and this relationship lasted for seven years (actually, one of my most beautiful relationships i’ve ever had). For this reason I thought that being a close friend, but transparent of my feelings, could work if I was patient (obviously, knowing the risk).
I don’t regret being transparent of my feelings when their was a moment of us passing time together (which included us speaking that I also understood that she needs space for her process to heal and that I couldn’t expect more than a friendship for now), but definitely agree that now all I can do is to let her go. It does hurt a lot and I believe in me needing time to process the feeling.
To give some context about me, after my divorce I did my own personal journey to find answers about my life. I found out that many of my characteristics are related to me having sings related to being an Empath and even in many cases also Highly Sensitive People (HSP). Good to know today all this, gave me answers to much of my past and tools to “manage” my emotions, but it’s still a little difficult when dealing with relationships and the deep emotions I feel. Specially, when the other person probably don’t understand this and see this as a sign of weakness, attachment or probably of me rushing. Guess I’m still learning, but trust me, the Gustavo in the past wouldn’t had express his feelings to a girl at all unless being pretty sure of the other person’s feelings. But end of the day, I understand her and know that it was probably wrong to expect her to act like me in my similar experience.
Gustavo
February 3, 2020 at 3:54 pm #336482AnonymousGuestDear Gustavo:
“I am not sure that we should always get away when someone is not ready”- true, yes, after all, you have a life experience that shows that it is not always a good idea to not hang out and spend time with someone you are interested in, who is not ready for a relationship with you.
Almost nothing is always this way or that way. Life and circumstances are often more complex than always this and never that.
I want to re-read your recent post when I am back to the computer (I had too little time to thoroughly read it) in about 14 hours from now.
anita
February 4, 2020 at 6:18 am #336604
InkyParticipantHi Gustavo,
I would just always be there quietly in the background. It will be interesting if you date other people and she finds out. Suddenly this time next year she might ask you to hang out, who knows?? Nothing like other people around you to show HER how she really feels! It’s true.
Best,
Inky
February 4, 2020 at 9:19 am #336632AnonymousGuestDear Gustavo:
After you expressed your feelings to her in that letter, she told you “that this letter showing (your) affection for her actually stopped her from wanting to advance with” you. Following that, you “wrote to her if we could speak personally, but she never answered”. After that, you randomly crossed paths with her while running, and “she said hello and we both talked as if nothing had happened”.
All this evidence I pointed to in the above paragraph means it is over, that a friendship (beyond a friendly acquaintance) and a romantic relationship is unlikely, more unlikely than it is with plenty of women you didn’t yet meet.
Regarding you identifying yourself as an Empath or an HSP, it means, as I understand it, that you feel deeply. You suggested that a woman may not “understand this and see this as a sign of weakness, attachment or probably of me rushing”-
– here is a thought that may be helpful to you: in that letter you expressed to her that “she is a special person… passing time with her is amazing, that she has a beautiful heart”- notice the adjectives: special. amazing, beautiful- these are not specific adjectives, but vague, general, non-specific. It may give a woman receiving these expressions, the feeling that you are not in love specifically with her, but with a general idea of who she may or may not be.
Here is an example of a specific expression that may cause the woman to feel that you indeed see her, and that your experience with her is genuine and specific to who she is (an example I am coming up with as I type): I like how honest you are, when you say something I don’t have to wonder if you really mean it, like I do with some people. It is such a relief and so calming to trust, like I trust you.
anita
February 4, 2020 at 10:34 am #336642GustavoParticipantDear Anita,
Could be true what you say. It was always difficult to express my feelings because she was always clear that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Once she said to me that she could see that I was starting to have feelings for her and that she didn’t want to hurt me, so it was difficult for me to know what to express or how to do it. So I admit that probably I analyzed my words and wrote it more general, so that she wouldn’t get scared. Not much can be done now, as you say, but I did have a lot of feelings I wanted to express to her, but didn’t do it because I tried to respect her decision.
Gustavo
February 4, 2020 at 11:05 am #336650AnonymousGuestDear Gustavo:
“Not much can be done now” but there can be learning that can be done now. If you learn from an experience you regret, there is new motivation in your heart: to understand better. This way there is more than regret in your heart, but a curiosity and a hope for a better life based on greater understanding.
You wrote that you wrote “more general, so she wouldn’t get scared”- but “special”, “beautiful” and “amazing” are big words, and therefore, they can scare a woman. Instead of holding your appreciation of her inside you and then letting go of a few big words on paper, you could have expressed to her your appreciation of her throughout the time you spent with her, using small, specific words that would be appropriate in the context of friendship (and therefore not scary to her). For example, you could tell her that she is honest: I like how honest you are. Or: I like how you keep your word, when you say something, you make it happen.
See the difference?
anita
February 10, 2020 at 8:19 am #337410GustavoParticipantAnita,
Definitely learning is always an option and all this days I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t feel regret about expressing, but I appreciate your example because you do point about how I could had said things different and it’s true.
Their is an update and for me an example of why it’s hard to understand what this girl wants. Last Friday we crossed in a restaurant with some friends and she was there. I said hello friendly, but not “over friendly” and then left with my group. Later she wrote to me asking why I was different with her, but I assured that nothing to worry. Next day she wrote inviting me for a coffee in the afternoon and we ended up talking for almost six hours, she even said we could go for dinner, which I accepted. After that I left for a party with Some friends and she went home. Then Sunday we crossed again jogging and she ended up staying with me like two hours walking and speaking, and even invited me to go for lunch with her and a friend, but I said I already had lunch at home and plans to watch a movie with other friends.
I’m taking it day at a time, not expecting much because she was clear the first time. I’m working in learning of this and concentrate on myself, but then this things happen and I don’t know what to think or what exactly does she want. For now I continue to respect her process and allow us to have some distance (better for both of us), but now that she took the first steps for us to do things together again, not sure if we should do it (I’m worried that its attachment from her side, which I know it won’t end good if I allow that door to open).
Gustavo
February 10, 2020 at 9:52 am #337428AnonymousGuestDear Gustavo:
I guess she is not as honest as I thought she was. I thought she was honest before because I figured that she spent all that time with you not knowing that you were interested in a love relationship with her, or maybe she allowed herself to think that maybe you are not. But now she knows that you are.
If she was honest with you and responsible to you, she would have either seen to it that the two of you remain distant or she would have told you that she changed her mind and is now interested in a relationship with you.
She is back to the way it was, only now she can’t claim that she doesn’t know how you feel.
Many women enjoy a man’s special attention even if they are not interested in the man that way: they enjoy being wanted.
anita
February 10, 2020 at 12:01 pm #337472GustavoParticipantAnita,
I have been transparent and as you say, she knows I have feelings. From my point of view, she was also transparent with her first message of us taking some distance, but now from my side it’s different. Not because I don’t have feelings or would like for something to happen with her, but because I decided to respect her decision of the distance and allow her to heal and make a decision regarding her ex. Meanwhile, I also deserve my own process that allows me to learn from the past. I’m trying not to expect anything from her in this moment and just make my life here (like her, i’m not from this town, so for me it’s also starting in a new place), plus learn from what just happened for my own good.
Definitely, I don’t understand why she is doing this again and I’m trying to just take it as a nice moment with a nice person, allowing us to get to know each other, but not changing my plans for her because I feel she doesn’t know what she wants and I don’t want to be hurt (or maybe as you say, she does know, and is trying to get attention, in which case I would also make distance). I have been clear and if she wants something with me, as you mention, she should be clear about her change of mind.
Gustavo
February 10, 2020 at 12:27 pm #337480AnonymousGuestDear Gustavo:
“I decided to respect her decision of the distance”- but does she respect your feelings, I ask myself. Like you wrote, you were transparent with your feelings and expressed in-love feelings for her. Knowing how you feel, she shouldn’t play with your heart.
When you feel in love with a woman, even when you have the best intention to give up on romantic hopes and expectation, and you succeed for a short time, eventually, sooner than later, the feelings, hopes and expectations tend to return with intensity, catching you by surprise.
anita
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