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Hana LParticipantHello Priscilla,
I’m fighting the same battle as you are, and can relate. It is hard not to take things personally. It’s hard when you’re not given chances to advance in a job because you’re an immigrant, outsider, people automatically judging English isn’t your first language because you’re not of a certain skin colour (my personal experiences). I’ve gritted my teeth through them all. Vented about these situations to the people I’m close to.
Unfortunately some people are trolls who get satisfaction by making other people miserable –> the most important question is, are you going to give them the satisfaction? No way! I learnt not to take what people said seriously unless their actions proved what they said, they’d do. My current working environment consists of a number of people who speak “well”, but act poorly.
You sound like you’ve been working at your current job for a number of years now. What is it about your current job that makes you want to continue working there, if I may ask? I’m tolerating my current job because I want more experience in that field (I’ve been fighting to enter that field for years now, so I’m really tolerating what I’m currently experiencing at work). That’s what drives me.
Hana
Hana LParticipantDear Amy Love,
Read your situation like my own – I probably have a few female friends which I can talk about things (to a certain extent), had no problems hanging out with male friends.
Looking at your own personal situation – it looks like you’re doing well, save for the close female friendship part, and I do feel you.
My primary school experience was similar to yours, and there was a bit of a bullying episode where I think I became more introverted but I think it turned out better for me because I started to develop a better sense of knowing the other party’s personality (i.e. I could start telling when a person was just all talk and no action). I’m sorry to hear you’ve also had a tricky high school experience – I had rumours of my male friends and I going out together, but I never bothered about them (laughed when I heard the silly stories) and those rumours died down anyway.
Looking at your situation with the group of girlfriends, it’s no wonder you feel exhausted after all those events – you want an authentic connection, and perhaps more meaningful conversations about how to resolve problems, or topics of self improvement. I think you have a more mature mind compared to your peers, hence you feel disheartened when their topics of conversation are not “in the frequency of your personality”.
You can’t seem to let your guard down, and I think it’s your intuition telling you that based on the topics of conversation you’ve heard from those girls, if you’ve shared something personal to them it’s likely they may gossip about it and it spreads. I’ve been in those situations, and I’ve shared the bare minimum of myself which worked well for me.
Like Greenshade has mentioned, you may connect better with women of a different age group because of your matching personalities and string of thoughts. The conversations I’ve really enjoyed with female friends were those in their 40s-60s (I’m 28 this year).
Please don’t feel disheartened, you’re not alone. For myself personally I’d rather hang out with some boys with sensible personalities than some girls who thrive by drama.
Hana
Hana LParticipantHi Helleia,
You’re not alone in your thought process about shared goals vs shared interests.
In my opinion, it’s probably more important being able to find those special, significant friends with shared goals. I think the relationship lasts longer, and I guess you use those shared goals to motivate you to reaching your goals. People can change interests easily.
Have you tried out any personality quizzes to identify the type of person you are like? I did those a few years back to identify with who I was, mainly because while I generally got on well with people and I have good friends, I don’t have the ‘special friend’ that you’ve questioned in your post. I’d like to find a friend like that too, and I guess the search may be like finding a diamond amidst the glass, so my focus right now is continuously working on improving myself. And your special friend could just be yourself.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your goals – we all want to be comfortable in our own skins, wanting to be accepted for who we are (you may notice this when friends say,”Don’t judge, but I did X.”). Finding your niche, to me, is like finding a job you love that isn’t considered work. (I’m trying to find my niche too.)
The people who stand out could be extroverts. You may be more introverted (?), and that’s okay too.
Hana
Hana LParticipantHi Mirabelle,
I am a Buddhist, and I also believe in the good of all other religions. Like others have stated, for the time being when you are living with your family, you would be practicing Islam. I think the questions you asked your parents about why you are of that religion, and why it is bad to change religions are hard questions (but they’re really good questions!) and rarely do people have answers for these types of questions.
You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re just trying to be you and finding your identity 🙂
Take care!
Hana
Hana LParticipantDear Diyana,
Congratulations on being accepted to do medicine!
In my opinion it sounds like your parents are maybe afraid of you getting disappointed/stressed out with your life’s choices so they give advice (that can sound like criticism because they probably don’t know of a better way to put their concerns into something which would sound less ‘negative’) <– this is my personal experience
Life can be a bit tricky – not everyone knows what they want to do from young, so it can take a lot of ‘experimenting’ (i.e. just experiencing different things and maybe working in different types of jobs). Also, there will be times when you may face criticism from other people who don’t see you for your worth (since they probably have their own insecurities), and the most important thing is to not let that get to you – believe strongly in your goal (put up notes of affirmations around the house if you need to).
It also seems like keeping a big decision from your parents is making you worried (I say this because in some family upbringing, children inform their parents of these decisions which are considered important mile stones, myself included). Maybe get through the first year of medicine and then bring it up to your family, or you could finish your studies and graduate as a doctor before informing your parents.
Your parents are sending you money which (to me) is a sign of them wanting to be supportive of how you’re living your life.
Take care,
HanaApril 7, 2017 at 5:18 pm in reply to: "There isn't a person you wouldn't love if you could read their story" #144125Hana LParticipantJust my two cents – it looks like a lovely quote, and I’ve read it with a pinch of salt. To me it’s somewhat telling me to be empathetic towards other people’s life stories and also if a person has treated us in an unpleasant manner, perhaps they are having a bad day and to be understanding about that. There are certain ‘stories’ I would be empathetic about – for eg a mother in poverty has to resort to stealing to feed her family but I wouldn’t accept it if someone committed a crime just for their own greed or because they thought they were ‘entitled’ to it.
I’ve worked with a narcissistic coworker before (also didn’t like it) but I just made sure contact with that person was as minimal as possible. Maybe trying to ‘love’ your coworker is forcing yourself a bit too much. Perhaps you could ‘like’ a particular aspect of your coworker unrelated to their character/work ethics eg they have a good fashion sense. I think we’re entitled to like/love the people that we want.
Hana
Hana LParticipantHello Stephanie,
I’ve been there, and can relate. I think one of the most important things is keeping yourself healthy at the same time while getting the thesis completed. I remember when I was completing my thesis it was hard to eat and sleep properly (due to stress), so please don’t neglect those two areas. When I was stressed about my project and had to cry, I just let myself cry, and also journal-ed my stress.
Yes, it’s understandable that when you took a break you’d also mentally berate yourself because you could’ve worked on your thesis, but sometimes the more you force yourself to do something, the more ‘stuck’ you may feel. You’ve done well scheduling some ‘me time’ with your cooking, walks, etc. Do you have other friends also working on a thesis? How have they coped? My experience with my friends was that when we took a coffee break, we vented out everything that went wrong with our projects and it made us feel better afterwards.
Things to lighten my mood:
– Collect motivational quotes and songs
– Breathe deeply and believe it will all be worth it in the endAll the best for the success of your thesis and do take good care!
Hana
Hana LParticipantThis post is stimulating a lot of interesting replies 🙂
Coming from an experience where I’ve had to deal with a lot of name calling behind my back, i.e. being arrogant because I don’t speak to people much (in the past, when all I really was doing was being quiet) I’ve just developed an ‘I don’t care attitude of what you think of me since I’m not born to please everyone, rather just please myself’. <– may sound a bit self-centered but I’d rather do my best to live a life true to being myself (that is currently a work in progress).
There’s a good reason for ’empty vessels make the most noise’ 😉
Hana LParticipantIt’s usually the case with being somewhat introverted (in my opinion).
My “favourites” are when I raise my voice slightly louder than it’s usual inflection and people think I’m upset, or the question of why am I so lazy at socialising.
I’d be more into a conversation if it was an interesting topic that I’d learn more about things instead of the usual gossip but it’s hard to find people with that same wavelength. I just plaster a smile on my face when I have to deal with those situations. Absolutely not a fan of verbal diarrhea or too much information (TMIs).
You’re definitely not alone, Joe. 😉
Hana LParticipantHello Dude,
I have experienced similar things to what you are/have been feeling.
I’m introverted, single, doing locum work (i.e. no job stability yet) while still attempting to break into a more specialized field of my chosen profession.
And I have accepted that some people have to struggle more to achieve what they want (myself personally).
Since you love nature and animals you could try volunteering at a nature park/animal shelter as Missme has suggested. Sometimes a job could come from there. I’ve personally done voluntary work experience in the specialised field (people have told me I was stupid to work for free, but what I learnt gave me a bigger picture of my chosen work field) and as a result have been able to experience locuming in that field.
I trust your previous work experiences will make you develop attributes which will benefit you for the future. My previous work had been in retail for a few years, it made it easier for the introverted me to converse with other people.
With the current world we are living in, we do have to work for some financial stability – to me I see that financial stability as a way for me to provide for my future family, for my future retirement, for any sudden emergencies. (Slow progress, but still progress nonetheless.)
I started a gratitude journal 2 years ago to help me put things into perspective, and like many others before me, I agree that there are always things to be thankful for, however small. I also collect motivational quotes, and listen to motivational songs to boost up my motivation when I hit a slump. I also try find something to laugh at even though I face stressful times.
It’s okay that you feel completely lost, so do I, and I think most people will ask that question about what life means to them at some stage in their lives. Maybe it might be a good thing that you’re soul searching now in your 20s, instead of feeling lost when you’re in your 80s?
Anyway I hope my post hasn’t sounded offensive or anything like that, just my two cents.
Hana
Hana LParticipantThank you for holding myself together, even though at times it feels like I’m falling apart, thank you for your strength
Hana LParticipantHello endlessskies,
There’s a quote you may have come across before – “Those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind”.
You are strong. Strong people also get hurt, and that’s okay.
Yes it hurts when people who don’t know who you really are (i.e. your personality) judge you by appearances. The thing about beauty is that it’s really subjective to different people.
I had recently experienced a situation where a few people acted as if I wasn’t a human being worth their time talking to (like what happened to common courtesy?). It hurt, and I thought about various things related to the situation :
In my gratitude journal: I was grateful I had friends and family who cheered me up when I told them about the situation.
In my personal journal: I wrote about how my self-worth took a hit when I was treated in that way when I didn’t do anything to offend said people.
Lessons learnt from the incident: I would never treat people in that manner, and I’d keep on smiling (even if my smiles have to be forced in certain situations). I feel that if a person brought value to my life, then I would reciprocate in kind – otherwise some people are better off being avoided due to their negativity.
(Well that example is a bit different to your situation, but I think you can relate to gratitude, expressing yourself personally and not bottling up, and reflecting on how you are going to act from then on.)
There will be people who like acting in a somewhat negative manner. It’s not you, it’s them.
Hope this post helps!
Hana
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Hana L.
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