Dear Anita,

I think you are correct, that I do value connection. I had not completely known that until now that I have wanted some form of connection all my life, whether it be from nature, family or friends. And perhaps that is why I value nature so much, because the feeling of connection comes easy to me. It is feeling connected to people that becomes difficult to me, and it is a long lived learning process that may have been discouraged in the past.
Thanks for the insight,

Laure

To all who gave me such supporting advice and took the time to write to me, Thanks so much for your replies, I apologize for the long delay to respond! But here it is!

Dear Eris,

Thank you for your support, and your non-touching hug (you know me so well already!) it is greatly appreciated.
I do agree that confidence in one’s self can be attractive to people, I do notice that people who know who they and are confident about it are more likable to be around. I admire people who have that comfort with being open about themselves. Although I accept and love the person I am, I think I hide it from others whether from habit or just I just don’t want to explain myself to others. I have had a past of “friendships” where people knew literally nothing about me. It is only now that I am choosing my social group for common interests and character and I am being more open. And yet something is just off. Maybe it just isn’t the right group yet, but I think it may just be me. I cannot communicate to people still. Maybe it is autism, maybe I don’t know how to connect, maybe it has to do with my expression of emotions (or lack off), maybe I am just odd to people. I think I will work on my communication, work on being more open to people, but I do not want to feel like I am drowning in loneliness. I don’t want to be attached to a hope for friendships. I do love being alone and I think that may be the life for me anyway.

Dear Anita,

I do understand your point, that all my “symptoms” could have been a result from my childhood. I do see how my mom could have influenced my development to have poor behavior, I can extend that to my father and childhood peers affecting my behaviors too (Father was rarely around due to work and was quiet, peers just reinforced behaviors through rejection). Autism is kind of a tricky thing if it isn’t caught during childhood, it is common for girls during my day to be overlooked, and it is not always clear how much is involved with development/ environment and genetics. So, no I do not know if I am born with this, but I can say that yes I had a really crappy childhood when it comes to social situation. It ends up being which came first, the chicken or the egg: is my symptoms from birth and reinforced through rejection/poor social interaction, or was it rejection/ poor interaction that caused my symptoms of autism. And then it becomes what is autism because the spectrum is so wide. Is it something I can “reverse”, or am I even at a part on the spectrum where it doesn’t even matter because I can for the most part function properly?

You asked about my mother, I really don’t want to go into detail about my mom. It just turns into a long, long rant, but she is a great mother, she gave up everything for her children and husband, its just she is not perfect

Overall Anita, I do appreciate your ability to question and analysis situations (making it so everything said can and will be used “against” you!). Questioning my “autism” and asking if it is really something I am born with, or if I should recognize if it is my genetics or development can be very important to know. I suppose you are trying to get at is that if I recognize the cause of my symptoms, can I find a way to change it? I really don’t know and I suppose I should not limit myself in my thinking about me not being able to change.

Dear Vandroiy,

Thank you for input, and you bring a really interesting point. I am very glad you made an account to tell me this!
I do understand what you mean by the thoughts shape who you, and I can see that if I do consider “permanent walls” between me and others, it is just going happen regardless on if it is actually true. Saying I don’t have freedom pretty much makes it so I don’t have freedom. I honestly cannot believe I let myself think that for a moment.

However, I am not so sure if your point that if I take small steps change my way of thinking will influence me to change. This is because I have tried this, many times. It could have been that I didn’t reinforce it enough that I fell back into the old way. It comes to the question, can I only change to a point? I have come to question this with myer- briggs personality types, is personality a permanent thing you can change, is it ever changing, or can parts change and the core stays the same. I certainly will give your book recommendation a try, I started reading a sample and it already relates to me. I am at a point where I am willing to experiment and It is better to try than to not try at all.

I am glad you don’t see autism as a disability, I don’t really either. I hope I didn’t make it sound like that. Months ago, I did think of it as a disability because I used it against myself as a reasons that there is something wrong with me, but there are also great things about me that I can also accredit to my autistic ways. It is simply a different way of thinking! And it is with that I feel like I have an advantage to a life different than others, in that I do not need people. I am not saying a secluded life is a bad way to live, I enjoy alone, my happiest moments were when I was alone. I honestly think my unhappiness is due to an idea that people can give me happiness when I cannot name very many times that a person was the source of happiness. And I have had this feeling for a long time, that there is a calling to accept my ability to not be attached to people. I am not sure that necessarily, means that I will live a secluded life, simply that I will not be unhappy if I do live that life, and I will be thankful if I find myself in a different life with people.

Once again, thank you all for your input and support, I absolutely love this site because it has a great community of people who have diverse ideas that really help me question my situation!

Laure

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by HealingWords.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your hypothesis, and it is a view that I took on when I first came across the idea that I may be autistic. I do understand what you are saying, that I could have developed autistic like traits in regards to not having experience with connecting to others, and I assume that it cannot be disproven since I wasn’t diagnosed at an early age. But, I do remember having difficulties as a child with being touched or touching others ( Hugs, hand holding etc.), sensory processing disorder, GI disorder, my extreme sensitivity, poor communication etc. Communicating in person and communicating through writing is quiet different. There there are general guidelines that people follow in their speech and body language when they talk to one another, based on my experiences as a child, it was almost like everyone had a toolbox of communication “guidelines” that they just automatically knew how to use. For me, I had to pretty much watch people and guess these guidelines based on what I observed and create my own tools. I believe this is why I couldn’t form connections with others. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to react to show people my thoughts or my emotions. Because I didn’t know how to communicate properly, people were confused by my actions and stayed away or bullied me.

So, I do think that this autism is very much something that I have lived with my whole life. Perhaps it is genetic, or developmental, I do not know and it doesn’t matter because it isn’t something that can just go away. I can try all I can to mask the symptoms, so no one knows, but I will always have this internally. That being said, I do believe that I am not meant to form relationships or friendships, since I was young I always had this nagging feeling like I was trying to force friendships when I was not meant to. To be honest, most of the time I liked being alone, I had trouble wanting to be around other people, partly because I felt they didn’t understand me but also just because I just needed alone time. It is almost a gift because while many people have a fear of being alone I am so very comfortable with it. And my way I am trying to find is fully embracing my ability to be alone, and just stop looking toward others for happiness and comfort. If I were to have my full true way I honestly think I would be a hermit in the woods not speaking to anyone, because when I am alone in a forest I am myself. That isn’t realistic and I do want to make a difference in the world and that can’t be done in isolation, but I can detach from a common concept that I will be happy when I find friends or my “soul mate” or finding someone to understand. I can be content with nothing.

I hope this makes sense, it can be hard to exactly explain what has been in my head lately,

Laure

Anita,

Thank you for your advice! It is really hard to watch someone you care about end up in a dark place. I don’t want her to give up with music because she has talent and he puts heart into it and she doesn’t even see it! I just want her to find her way and maybe being in that low place will help her find it, and maybe it isnt even with music! At the same time, I am a person who is very goal orientated and having someone want to do something not be so driven to accomplish it makes me frustrated, so I have to back off in that sense.

I like the idea of asking her for help, and telling her how she is helpful and being positive with her. Her self confidence needs to be improved but it shouldn’t be shoved in her face. I will give that a try!

Laure

Anita,

Letters are often unappreciated in this age, which is sad. I gave my mother a letter a few times and, like you it was either ignored or not appreciated. I do not know his view of letters so maybe he would not understand.
I know a lot of his interests, and maybe I can indirectly communicate to him and slide it into a conversation. It might be hard and take time, but I think that is a great idea to ease the subject without being forceful!