Dear SpinBunny,

If you were to bring these feelings out in the open, and if he left his girlfriend for you, how would that feel? Would your mind be more at peace? More turbulent? If you were to leave the gym? Cut contact? Peace? Turbulence?

When faced with such situation it can be helpful to imagine it through in a safe way and really feel the consequence of bringing our thoughts/feelings to action. Usually, a call for skillful action will arise feelings of peacefulness. And a call for unskillful action will arise feelings of unease, further suffering, spinning.

For me, when seeing something through in such a way, it becomes a matter of derermination. Such as, if this were to happen, the feelings would be worse, no release, thus time to let it go. And if further desires arise, it is a matter of remembering the intention. It then becomes a response of acceptance, rather than a reaction of “oh, I want him, he wants me…” that leads the mind to unease, suffering, spinning, attachment to he did this or that. And on the other side, if that were to happen, the feelings would be easier, I would be content with myself, glad, more peaceful.

Another thing that comes to heart is what you said that he does not talk about his girlfriend. Have you considered (or did) asking about her, casual things? Perhaps if you see that he sparkles when talking about her, your own desire may lessen. When we wish genuine happiness for others (him, his girlfriend) it opens up a wide space within our hearts that in a way “pushes out,” purifies any other unpleasant emotions.

If it is a build up of energy over the last 18 months, is there a way to release it so that it will be peaceful, easy, rather than painful? Self-nurturing? Meditation on metta?

Dear sister, I feel your pain. No one can give you the answer but your own heart, and it already knows what it is. Consider sitting with it and truly seeing it, then accepting it, whatever it may be.

May your heart sparkle with joy, and your mind feel peace 🙂

With warmth,
Helen

P.S. Men (people) sometimes go cold for various reasons. He may have car/work/family trouble or simply be constipated 😉 I am not trying to negate what you are seeing, simply saying there could be other reasons for behaviors. If nothing else, seeing things this way, infinite possibilities, helps put our own mind at ease. Be easy sister, gentle, try not to attach meaning to everything you see.

Dear SpinBunny,

Great advice from others. One thing came to heart and prompted me to add on a little 🙂 You say you would like to try meditation and “block out” thoughts of him. As a fellow traveller, I suggest this meditation manual: Mindfulness in Plain English (http://www.mindfulvalley.org/files/books/mindfulness_plain_english.pdf). It describes in very clear terms what meditation is and how it works, how it can help when different thoughts/felings arise. To ease our suffering, sometimes, often, the most calming thing we can do is just watch what thoughts/emotions arise, allow them to be without adding any impressions to them, and then watch them pass, dissolve. Like waves in the ocean. Even though it seems difficult, for me, this is one of the greatest tools when turbulent emotions, attachments, arise. And they do, they never stop because that is what life is all about, a playground with infinite experiences 🙂

What I see with you is a mindfulness, openess to the whole of the situation, considering how everyone feels, you, him, his girlfriend. Perhaps it is true that another trainer would be better to avoid this painful situation. But also perhaps, consider this situation is exactly where you need to be in order to learn how to cultivate peace within 🙂 And please know that I am not advocating inactivity, on the contrary, much activity first within, then on the outside. When you discover an inner calmness you may not want to change trainer, gym, etc… or you may want to do that. The difference is that the decision will be made out of choice rather than a feeling of “having to because it is so difficult.”

Much warmth to you sister, may you discover you inner light 🙂

Helen

Jo,

In addition to the other heartfelt responses, here is a book recommendation: Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson (http://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness-ebook/dp/B003TU29WU/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393330571&sr=1-1&keywords=buddhas+brain).

I personally found this one very helpful as it gives step to step instructions on how to change old patterns as well as why they occur. Sciency, useable, incredibly insightful especially for someone who is already on the path. The appendix also has useful information about diet and supplements that help the brain clear so to say in order to be able to make subtle changes and see things as they are easier. The diet and supplements work; I have been following the regimen for a year and a half and can see the difference in my mental patterns.

If you still find it difficult to recognize certain patterns or apply the teachings on your own, a sangha, online or in person (or a therapist as Mark suggested) can be very beneficial. And finally, I wholeheartedly agree with Matt that these things need space and with time, patience, compassion towards yourself, the clouds will settle, be scattered away, and your beautiful inner sun will shine brightly 🙂

May you have joy in your heart and clarity in your mind.

With warmth,
Helen

Nadia,

Yes, Metta Meditation, or Loving Kindness. The best one that was recommended to me was by Sharon Salzberg (http://youtu.be/W3uLqt69VyI). There are others and you can explore and try different ones until you find one that feels good for you 🙂

I can relate to feeling bad about yourself, and sometimes feel awkward giving love fully to others (possibly fear of how it will be received). Yes, you are right the best process of transforming that feeling is to first be kind to yourself, nurture yourself (put your own oxygen mask first) and little by little it will start to radiate out naturally.

It may sound silly but sometimes you need to give yourself a hug, a gentle massage on your feet, arms, face, so you can feel that precious physical touch. Set an intention of loving kindness towards yourself as you do that. Tell yourself you are precious (yes, you are :)), just as you would do to a small child. As you do that, it may feel awkward at first, and that’s ok. You may also well up with emotion, that’s ok too, let it out. Continue to pour out love, it is inside of you just waiting to come out.

Also, make a date with yourself, if you like to curl up with a book and some soft music, do that. Cook a nice meal, treat yourself to a candlelit dinner. I always remind myself that I am my own best friend and need to treat myself as such. As you slowly strenghten that love and affection towards yourself, you will be able to start doing the same with others. Nadia first, sweet Nadia 🙂

Hugs to you and may your heart fill with love and affection.
With light and warmth,
Helen

Raego Liann,

Thank you for sharing this 🙂 It is wonderful to read sucess strories after suffering. As I read the forums I always wonder how the people came through their pain and like to see stories of “working through” and joyful outcomes.

I am so glad you are writing a book – sharing your story will one day touch someone and change thier world.

May your light shine bright and bring joy to many others.

With light and warmth from a fellow traveller,
Helen

Jamie,

I have pulled away a little from the forum to introvert but your suffering compells me to reply. I know this suffering really well, first hand, the whirlwind of emotion and thought a sociopath can put a soul in is like nothing else. There is no logic, no reason, no emphaty, no compassion, it is unthinkable. Having gone through 3 years of dealing with someone like this, I will agree with Pip and say what was my saving grace was to control myself, namely not read what he wrote, not respond, not offer anything he could grab on to and continue with his behavior. I also had to release my reigns so to say and trust those around me, my parents, my lawyer, the courts, and let them respond succinctly keeping him away from me. When you find youself in this kind of nightmare, it is so important to self-nurture as much as you can. In a way find normalcy and joy in your life independent of this individual. Try to look at it as just another bump to cross, as hard as this may be, once you shift your thinking a little bit, the feelings of peace will start to come. If you nurture yourself so, you will be able to remain strong and calm when you do have to deal with him. When he sees that he no longer has power over you, he will start to pull away, you will become “boring, not a challenge.” My heart goes out to you, dear sister, but your light is strong, you will get past this, just as I have.

To expand on what HeidiPaz said, here is a small tip on how to identify these types of people. Listen to your heart, the gut heart. When a heart is so full of compassion these dark creatures are drawn to this light like moths to a flame. They tell lies, but they can’t “feel” like a normal person feels. One thing that was a clue for me was when my heart opened up to him, he did not see it, he continued to “work” on me with his lies. If I had listened to this tiny hunch, and if I had known this type of person existed, I would have run from him. The past cannot be changed and I am grateful for any experience that comes my way because it helps me grow and mold into the person that I am now, and share with others here and there 🙂

May you have peace, may you have strenght, may you keep joy in your heart.

With light and warmth,
Helen